Circles

How does it feel?”

 

I wish he’d ask.

 

Because it feels like staring out a smudged window and no matter how much you lick your finger and wipe, you can’t see out.

 

It’s like sitting in a corner and not because you have to.

 

It’s the heat behind your eyes and the wanting to shut them, always.

 

Or sometimes.

 

Most of the time.

 

It’s the quiet, please and wishing the TV were off, or the kids, or the speeches.

 

It’s the stuck wasp, the silent fan you watch at night, the hair in the drain.

 

The room under the stairs, its white sheets, and that dream.

 

You know the one.

 

It’s the nurse with water.

 

Who never comes.

 

She never comes.

 

I wish he’d ask.

 

 

****************************************************

(I’m going on medication. I’ve fought it for a year now, maybe longer. And I’ve got to stop. I’m coming back tomorrow (the next day, maybe?) to tell you all about it.)

 

25 Responses to “Circles”

  1. stoneskin says:

    {{Cyber-flowers}}

    ***
    *****
    ***
    ||

    (Hmm, that looks like a lollypop)

    {{Cyber-lollypop}}

    Hope that made you smile, hope you have a good day.

  2. Blognut says:

    I absolutely want to hug you right now, Deb. That, and the fact that I just really want someone to hug me, will make us a fine pair.

  3. Kari C says:

    I can’t express to you how much I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I also know in a room full of people, you would be hard-pressed to find a single person who wasn’t medicated at some point in their life. Does it help? Probably not, but you are not alone.

    I hate it-so very much, but I have learned it is not my fault and I am not “strong and can just get past it”. Give yourself time, and don’t give up, you’ll find the relief.

  4. when it’s necessary, it’s necessary.

    bottom line.

    hope it helps.

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

  5. Kizz says:

    Good that you’re trying it. I hope it does what you need it to do.

  6. Green Girl says:

    That is the most powerful description. Good luck with the meds–I hope they give you the assist you need.

  7. The meds changed my husband’s (and mine and our kids) lives. Now we’ve got most of his brothers and sisters on board too. It’s genetic and it’s chemical. My philosophy is that you wouldn’t resist treating diabetes would you?

    It will take a few weeks and you might not get the right one immediately, but I bet you find it changes your life.

  8. Shana says:

    I am thinking good thoughts for you (I would say praying for you, but that sounds so, um, churchy).

  9. we_be_toys says:

    Oh honey-
    You got to do what you got to do. Depression sucks. Sending you happy thoughts and warm wishes for an even keel.

  10. Danielle says:

    I think you’re going to be fine. And happy. And don’t dwell on how you got to that point. Revel in the happiness and joy you deserve.

  11. I’ve had those feelings. When you know, you know, and then you do what you have to do. It can – and will – get good.

  12. She says:

    I’d recognize these symptoms of depression anywhere! I SO get this, Sweet Woman! And I’m lifting you up oh so very high to God right this moment!

    Let me know how I can help!

    Big HUG! Lots of love!

    PS: I’m working on my PromptTuesday post. I’m trying to get the courage to publish it.

  13. Mama Mary says:

    I just cried. Because I’m PMSing; because I’m sleep deprived; because that was poignant and beautiful and raw; because I understand it all too well. I don’t know you too well, yet, but I do know that you are a beautiful soul and a talented writer. A cyber hug to you and cheers to warm sun shine on your face and wind at your back.

  14. kate says:

    this is my favorite. of yours.

  15. Myra says:

    I am so glad I checked in tonight. I have slid away from blogging a bit and have missed your writing. You are such an amazingly creative, sensitive soul. You do what’s right for you and know that I’m praying for you to feel like you soon.

  16. g says:

    Wow. Just trying to beam so much feeling to you. You’ve given me so much, and others too. Let them help you.

  17. Da Goddess says:

    Big hugs and kudos for taking a huge step!

    I’m really, really proud of you for seeking help. And I’m really, really, REALLY proud of you for having the courage to write it out, to share, to reach out to others in such an enormous way.

    If you need, I’m a phone call away.

  18. do whatever you need to do. love you lots!

  19. Chris says:

    Good for you, Deb. It takes courage and wisdom to take the steps to take care of yourself. I admire you so. I’m sending you my sincerest thoughts, wishes and prayers for rapid relief. It’s coming – be proud of yourself. XO, Chris

  20. Jennifer says:

    I’ve had the same thoughts. Somedays they fade and I don’t worry. Then they come and yes, I pout. I hope you will find the right way for your health. I haven’t pursued medicine yet, mostly because I couldn’t afford them. So all the best of luck to you. Be strong. Love your family and brighter days will shine through, even if they only last for a moment.

  21. jessica says:

    welcome to the club baby. Good for you. Stop fighting what is. I know you won’t regret it

  22. I have friends who have gone on medication and then come off it. It doesn’t have to be forever. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

  23. Me says:

    I wish you lived across the street so I could be here if you wanted to sit and talk, give you a hug, and tell you I’ve been where you’re at.

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