April 27th, 2008
This is perhaps my most superficial post.
Oh, there you are!
This one was hiding.
Anyway, I’m using you.
But only because you’re so fabulous.
In other words, please decorate my house.
I’m serious my Internellies: please, please decorate my house.
I’ll try to explain: I’ve long been distressed by the half-done state of my home. It’s like I had two kids and I was just too tired to go any further. Home decoration for me is long browses in every shop I’ve ever heard about or seen advertised on TV, it’s trips to design districts and poring over magazines. It’s buying something, hating it, hiding it from my husband, then buying something else.
I just haven’t had it in me. Also, no time. i work for myself and if I have a free hour, I need to be working or my
husband will yell at me bills don’t get paid. Then, the kids. Have I mentioned them? They’re perfectly delightful, but not good shoppers.
It’s a problem and we’re working on it.
So every day, I look around and I think: I need more storage! I need something over in that corner! I need to put more wine in my wine cabinet! And then I just don’t. And sink deeper into despair. Until I think of the starving children and try to put it all into perspective.
BUT, I thought: you’re all wonderful. You have ideas that haven’t been sucked out of your brain by a Toots or a Booger, you’re assuredly designy (especially Myra!), styley, and super cool. Maybe you have some input for me? And just so you know, anything goes for me design-wise.
As you will soon see.
Here’s the big picture view of our family room. The thing is we have an open floor plan…and there are windows and angles and wall expanses and I just don’t know what the hell to do with it all. When I walk upstairs, my eyes go crazy — what do I look at first! there’s a big red couch, a fuzzy rug, abstract wall art! — TOO MUCH. AHHH!
Do you sort of see what I’m talking about?
What should I do? Mainly, what goes on top of this armoire? Those things up top are simply place markers. What do I put under that window? And WHERE DO I PUT ALL THE KID STUFF??????
Please see notes. Also, are there things I should put in the corners? Things that hold things? Also, can anyone recommend a good butt imprint remover? It needs to work on leather.
I just don’t know what to say about this wall. I often refer to it existentially as “The Wall of I Don’t Know.” What do I put on those shelves? Shimmer the Bulimic Fish is not long for this world and will be departing soon. Then, what’s with the mask? And the phallic symbol? It should now be obvious that Nate Berkus needs to hop on a plane and get over here STAT.
What do I put IN the wine cabinet? (Don’t get cheeky with me.) Like, what other stuff?
And don’t get me started on that thing to the left.
**Sigh** It was supposed to be decorative peacock feathers in a floor vase. Then some other crap got mixed in and now it’s like a bouquet of Snuffaluffagus eyes. What should I have here instead? A big fake tree? A statue? A better aquarium for Shimmer?
OK, I’m almost done.
Just a few more questions.
Should I put something on top of the kitchen cabinets? FYI: I’m not into chicken or cow cookie jars.
Any cute end table substitution ideas for here?
And finally: How can I transform this room into an urban oasis? Must also morph easily into a sex palace.