In Which I’m Pier One’d Out

This is perhaps my most superficial post.

Right after this one, and this one, and this one.

Oh, there you are!

This one was hiding.


Anyway, I’m using you.

But only because you’re so fabulous.


In other words, please decorate my house.


I’m serious my Internellies: please, please decorate my house.


I’ll try to explain: I’ve long been distressed by the half-done state of my home. It’s like I had two kids and I was just too tired to go any further. Home decoration for me is long browses in every shop I’ve ever heard about or seen advertised on TV, it’s trips to design districts and poring over magazines. It’s buying something, hating it, hiding it from my husband, then buying something else.


I just haven’t had it in me. Also, no time. i work for myself and if I have a free hour, I need to be working or my husband will yell at me bills don’t get paid. Then, the kids. Have I mentioned them? They’re perfectly delightful, but not good shoppers.

It’s a problem and we’re working on it.


So every day, I look around and I think: I need more storage! I need something over in that corner! I need to put more wine in my wine cabinet! And then I just don’t. And sink deeper into despair. Until I think of the starving children and try to put it all into perspective.


BUT, I thought: you’re all wonderful. You have ideas that haven’t been sucked out of your brain by a Toots or a Booger, you’re assuredly designy (especially Myra!), styley, and super cool. Maybe you have some input for me? And just so you know, anything goes for me design-wise.


As you will soon see.


BIG Room


Here’s the big picture view of our family room. The thing is we have an open floor plan…and there are windows and angles and wall expanses and I just don’t know what the hell to do with it all. When I walk upstairs, my eyes go crazy — what do I look at first! there’s a big red couch, a fuzzy rug, abstract wall art! — TOO MUCH. AHHH!


Do you sort of see what I’m talking about?


BIG Room, Part Deux


What should I do? Mainly, what goes on top of this armoire? Those things up top are simply place markers. What do I put under that window? And WHERE DO I PUT ALL THE KID STUFF??????




Kitchen Table, Sorta


Please see notes. Also, are there things I should put in the corners? Things that hold things? Also, can anyone recommend a good butt imprint remover? It needs to work on leather.


Wall of I Don't Know


I just don’t know what to say about this wall. I often refer to it existentially as “The Wall of I Don’t Know.” What do I put on those shelves? Shimmer the Bulimic Fish is not long for this world and will be departing soon. Then, what’s with the mask? And the phallic symbol? It should now be obvious that Nate Berkus needs to hop on a plane and get over here STAT.


Whine Bar


What do I put IN the wine cabinet? (Don’t get cheeky with me.) Like, what other stuff?

And don’t get me started on that thing to the left.


Lame Feathers


**Sigh** It was supposed to be decorative peacock feathers in a floor vase. Then some other crap got mixed in and now it’s like a bouquet of Snuffaluffagus eyes. What should I have here instead? A big fake tree? A statue? A better aquarium for Shimmer?


OK, I’m almost done.


Just a few more questions.


Empty Shelf


Should I put something on top of the kitchen cabinets? FYI: I’m not into chicken or cow cookie jars.




Any cute end table substitution ideas for here?


Bed of Love


And finally: How can I transform this room into an urban oasis? Must also morph easily into a sex palace.


16 thoughts on “In Which I’m Pier One’d Out”

  1. I would be of no help. It already looks to me like you stole these photos from the Pottery Barn website. Why change a thing? Really. I like what I see.

  2. you’re not going to believe this – but i was going to post about the very same thing. we all need more nate and pottery barn in our lives. and your house is fabulous. so shuttie already.

  3. Looks good to me.
    So, something fat and tall for the top ofthe armoire. Like a fat red vase. Put the kids stuff in a dark wicker storagebin with a lid. I dunno, like I said, it looks pretty darn good to me.

  4. Thanks for the comments, girls.

    I do love my house, but you know when you get stuck on something and it embeds in your craw and you can’t get it out?

    There’s so many finishing touches to the house I want to do (accessories/organizational kind of stuff) (and pretty much can’t really afford), that when I look at an empty corner or phallic symbol decoration, I think about how I want to change that.

    I re-read this post and thought: kinda annoying. Because the house is great (by the way, we rent, so it’s not ours forever). But STILL humbly turn to you for input for those craw stickers. Meanwhile, thanks for the nice comments!

    And Kendra: what should I put in the fat red vase????


  5. You are a funny woman. :)

    You know, I love a clean, unclutrtered look. I really wouldn’t change a thing and I would definitely not add too much.

    Just one large item that makes a statement in each room is more than enough, in my opinion.

    You have a gorgeous house!

  6. Jenn: GREAT idea. I thought Ikea only had swedish meatballs and unique light fixtures. No, it’s just been awhile since I’ve been there and now I must check it out again. I love the bowl idea. But also, Kendra’s fat red vase. Maybe I use the fat red vase on the wine bar…or the bowl there…

    Vered: Thanks…Good design tip (one statement item in each room).


  7. Okay, well I love your house and I love what you’ve done and the space is beautifully light filled…..but if you were giving me carte blanche I’d say put a long, low sleek cabinet that extends under the window and across where the TV is now. Take the armoire away and put it in the bedroom – if it fits. I can’t tell.

    Put the TV on top of the right side of the new cabinet, and a piece of big artwork above it (or just a big plasma to fill the space!)That would take care of the corner and add some storage, if you needed it.

    How about a small drum table – either ceramic or laquered for next to the couch? It would be compact and interesting. Oh, I just realized I think you can get that at Pier 1! Personally, I think the area above the cabinets in the kitchen is just fine. You’d only have to dust whatever you put up there anyway. Maybe just a paint color?

    I love the arrangement of art work (and Shimmer!) above the cabinet and your choice of wall colors. Maybe put something that makes more of a statement in the vase – just bigger would work I think. You could try Restoration Hardware and Z Gallery for ideas.

  8. Debbie,

    There is a great article in this month’s issue of Domino featuring Julianne Moore who apparently has a knack for interior design. She re-does her publicists NYC apt. She talks about having a great balance between affordable functional pieces found at the larger chain stores like my beloved Ikea, and mixing that up with more personal pieces.

    I pour over Domino every month even though I have a tiny 1 bedroom Brooklyn apt. To have a whole house! I would go nuts.

    I think one of my favorite interior design rules is start with one piece that really inspires you. It could be a coaster with a cool design or your favorite scarf. If you design around things you love and feel comfortable with your space will be an extension of your own personal style instead of a crate and barrel catalog set. It’s all about balance.

    Also with high ceilings people are sometimes inclined to use tall furniture, but I think low stuff makes the space feel even bigger. I def agree with the low cabinet idea, oh oh and fabric! Use long floor dusting drapes, makes a room feel cozy and elegant especially in the bedroom, I got some great mustardy colored velvet ones on, half the price that they were asking for at pottery barn.

    Here are some of my fav inspirational sites: (the apt section) (of course!) (WAY expensive but very inspirational I am on their email list) ( I search vintage pieces for inspiration)

    This is like the longest comment ever. Sorry bout that but you opened a can of worms with me. Good luck!

  9. okay i’m late to the game here, sorry. blog world, do you miss me? i miss you. okay, back to you. LOVE your style. really i do. kid storage is a super duper problem for me too. i’ve bought every frickin’ toy organizer, and non-organizer on the planet (okay, not really, but i’ve fantasized about them). right now i’m liking the ikea cube one. it come is different sizes and a dark wood color that appear to match your style. woven baskets can go in the cubes (better than primary colored toy bins, come on, which i’ve also tried…gag).

    end table ideas … i’ve seen small step ladders that look cool on the ends. old, paint-chipped sort of two-stepped ladders with books and chatckies on the steps. i dunno.

    i haven’t had a picture (or anything) over our bed in 8 years, so maybe you shouldn’t trust me on this.

  10. Jillian mentioned Ikea. I could stay there for hours. I often like to walk through their set-up rooms for inspiration. It also helps my husband visualize the end result when we are there.

    I am certainly not one to be giving design tips. My end tables and bedside tables at dark wood t.v. trays. I love your house and think you are on the right track!

  11. compared to my house, yours is the sistine chapel. i stare at giant white walls and huge empty spaces on a daily basis…

    your place looks great to me.

    i will; however, be looking into some of the suggestions your lovely readers provided. ;)

  12. Your house looks fabulous to me! And even more impressive than the snuffaluffagus eyes is that it’s CLEAN! What I wouldn’t give for my house to stay clean like yours just ONE day …

  13. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about?! Your house looks BEAUTIFUL woman! So sorry – in my opinion…you don’t need any help! And actually – could you come over to MY house and redecorate?!

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