I’m going to be honest. I’ve been boiling in a pit of bitter acid for the better part of this year. Waking up in the middle of the night, feeling sorry for myself, comparing my life to others, lamenting my lack of “success,” roiling around in why them and not me, and all that useless, horrible crap ingrates like me do.
I’ve been here before and likened the icky envy and inner angst to feeling like demons who roost in your soul and darken your walls. I’ve craved a spiritual cleansing of sorts, a wiping away of the bad feelings and anger, for that’s what it’s become. Bitterness roots inside you and once it grows, it entangles around who you are, until you’re quite unlike the person you know you can be. At first, I looked at that old post and thought, “Hey, I wrote that in April! My discontent must be an infrequent Spring thing,” but no. This is how I do. It’s how I do. I turn my attention on other people, worry about what they’re doing, and why I’m not doing it. The Rock always tells me it must be exhausting to be me, and he is so right. I’m at the end of myself.
The knowledge that I’ve allowed hurt and anger to flourish in me is humbling. I made the choice to let it happen that way. To feel less than. To muddle my creative process. To take away my power.
Truth? Over the past five months, negativity has poked holes in me like a sieve and my energy rushed out the gaps, leaving me altogether empty.
I’m not even going to get into the reasons why, they don’t matter.
What matters is what I do now.
The irony of all this is that there are some pretty wonderful things happening for me RIGHT NOW, and my eyes have been closed to them, or turned elsewhere.
Such silliness, isn’t it?
EVERYONE deserves to be happy.
Even me.
Even you.
P.S. Please don’t hate me because I’m a giant ball of lame introspection.
Me too!
Hey Deb I have been there and done that as well. Everyone has those dark periods. Last year I went through mine and I was just angry and unhappy. Sometimes all it takes is time for things to work out.
If the anger and sadness lasts longer than a year then it could be something else. You seem like a pretty positive person to me so I know that things are going to get better for you.
I’ve had over a year of this powered by chronic depression. Just recently I finally had a couple good days. Much of what you describe is what happens. If yours is merely an attitude adjustment, I understand wanting to fight against it, but if it is biological, fighting it makes it worse – That’s how I find it. Regardless, the key thing I have to remember is that I am not who I feel like. I’m a beautiful person regardless of how I feel, and what I feel will pass…
It was about a year ago that I got tired of being a goddamn basket case. Let me find that post… don’t go ‘way, I’ll be right back.
Wow, that took awhile. I started reading some other stuff, and then finally remembered why I was in the archives in the first place.
http://amimental.blogspot.com/2010/05/support.html
Anyway. I know I am just a stranger on the internet. Actually, I’m strange just about everywhere I appear. But I know you have my email address, and if you need to vent…
Oh Deb, I so get this. So many times I’ve let things get to me, get me down and allow me to miss the joy and peace that is so within my reach.
I’m learning to do better by me. I believe you will too. Give yourself the love and support you give us, your readers and tweeters. You have ours.
I LOVE (not hate) you because you’re a giant ball of (not lame) introspection! I think many of us have those same exact feelings, and they bring us down in the same ways. It was one of the original reasons for starting my own blog, to change my way of thinking, by “fostering an attitude of gratitude.”
I love that you look inward. I love that you make yourself accountable. I love that you honestly face your imperfections and pin them up here to make a mirror so that we might look upon ourselves.
It is springtime, go ahead an cleanse. And introspect. I’m there too, right now.
Go on girl! Express yourself! Sometimes life requires a bit of pick me up and everyone’s prone to it. Just remember, that although there may be people around you that you can’t help but envy, there are other people around you doing the same thing to you. You’re successful. Vibrant. A great writer. It may seem like a dark time right now, but I guarantee there are things in your life that you can still feel grateful about, and those are the things to focus on. I wish you happiness in your life :-D
I had to laugh at your Rock quote…My husband said something like that about 7 years ago. Older lady talking to younger lady…you have made the first step…you will back slide, just keep swimming…mixing mediators or what ever..but you get the idea.
Sometimes I think that seeing the positive instead of the negative is something we have to train ourselves to do. I work on that all the time.
me too. oh, *sob* me too.