10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause

1. Your boobs are 34C, your hips are 3.14 Pi.


2. Your upper lip is a Chia Pet.


3. Alaska hires your body to melt snow.


4. You affectionately refer to your vaginal canal as “The Road to Ishtar.”


5. The fluid retained by your stomach could solve California’s water crisis.


6. Motherf#ck you dickface!


7. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.


8. Sob! Sob! Sob!


9. Has anyone seen my keys, checkbook, kids, mail, car, purse, youth, or Jolene cream bleach?


10. The sky called. It wants your ass to plug the ozone layer.


24 thoughts on “10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause”

  1. #s 6, 7, 8, and 10 all apply to me and I’m 27. So either I’m in early menopause, or this list should be merged with “signs you’re a chubby crazy person.”

    love you, love this list. i’ll buy you some lube.

  2. Those Chia Pet hairs? I lovingly refer to them as “Stray Eyebrows”. But mine have landed on my jaw line. On the right side of my face. ONLY on the right side. Figures I’d be lopsided on top of everything else.

    All of the other things? Never heard of them. Oh wait… Forgetfulness. That’s #9. Shooooot.


  3. The fire raging inside your body begins as a spark and is ignited by NO KNOWN SOURCE and rages into an INFERNO in less than ten SECONDS!!!!!!!

  4. I’ve never been a 34 C, except maybe at the height of engorgement and I’m a hairless wonder so #2, not so much. But #3-#10, OMG! Hilarious! I just made an asshat out of myself in Starbucks laughing out loud at this.

  5. OMG!!! I could check off almost every one of those. I think, for my 42nd birthday which is happening in a few weeks, Gareth feels forced to buy a case of Xanax so that HE can deal with all of this. Can’t blame the poor guy. The hot flashes I’ve been having at night lately are hot enough to melt a tub of dry ice!

    Perimenopause SUCKS!

  6. The greatest day of my life was the day I woke up from anesthesia following my hysterectomy. Okay, maybe not. It was the day they finally found my perfect dose of premarin and the migraines were gone, the hot flashes were gone, and yet I maintained my sparkling wit and charming “better watch your back, mister, cuz I’ll fuck you up!” banter.

    Take a few thousand deep breaths and it’ll pass. Then you can climb the ladder of success with additional charm and a lot less “aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh!!!!”

    Saying a prayer for you, Deb!

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