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Kitchen Sink

From Whence I Came Again

September 14th, 2010

It’s Day Two of the SITSGirls’ “Back to Blogging” event and today’s challenge is to re-post something you wish more people had paid attention to at the time.

 

I’m not sure I think of this as a piece I wish other people paid more attention to, as it is a post I keep coming back to again and again and I believe that’s significant. I suppose I’m re-posting my heart, which is important for me to do here and there to remember why it is I write.

 

Some readers will remember this post, but I’m putting it up once again because I’m feeling it today. Really feeling it today. I’m guessing some of you know what I mean.

 

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FROM WHENCE I CAME

 

I took her Cadillac the day we spread her ashes.

 

It was a long drive from San Diego to Bodega Bay, but it gave me time to think, which I did, sometimes reluctantly.
And as freeways gave way to greened two-lane roads, I lulled myself into thinking everything would be OK.
Of course, it never could be, not the way I wanted it. For that, I’d have to take back everything I’d said in anger, how I made her cry, how I scribbled “I hate you!” again and again in my childhood diary.

 

We gathered on the boat, mostly silent, an occasional joke to sweat the mourning. I’d written a note on paper and attached it to her picture, the one I liked best, with her mouth wide open in laughter, no trace of regret in her eyes. I threw the whole thing in the water, watched the ashes spread in the wind, and joined the others to huddle against the cold.

 

We all were there that night. We’d been warned about the ending, and so lay on the bedroom floor to absorb the last moments. Dad slept next to her, and we knew it was for the last time.

 

None of us slept. Her breathing rattled and croaked and stopped and started. To pair that noise with the person you loved couldn’t be done, so we didn’t, and lay without talking.

 

My dad got up first. Just a drop of morphine to calm the breath that rose fitful and gutterul in her chest. I believe she needed me to be there then. And so I was, I think alone. I told her it would be all right and to go and it would be all right and to go and I soothed her with words and my hands and said to go and it would be all right.

 

4 in the morning and then that was all. There was no more, I still don’t understand how. Too late, I slipped in next to her and told her I was sorry. I didn’t mean it. Don’t go, don’t go.

 

The hospice worker arrived and I held her as she cried.

 

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On September 14th, 2010, Kizz said:

Thanks for reposting that.

On September 14th, 2010, Jill said:

Oh wow D, total tears. Amazingly heartfelt post … and I”m thinking of you!

On September 14th, 2010, Sugar Jones said:

Thank you, Debbie. This was beautiful.

On September 14th, 2010, Mel said:

Deb… that is so beaufitul and touching!
I wish I could bring her back along with my Dad… thanks for sharing (especially for us new fans who haven’t read it before) oxox

On September 14th, 2010, melissa said:

i hardly ever cry from posts.
thanks a lot.
this was smashingly, bittersweetly beautiful.
xo

On September 15th, 2010, green girl in wisconsin said:

You are so strong to write that. It just rips a reader to shreds with grief.

On September 15th, 2010, Cascia @ Healthy Moms said:

I was nearly in tears reading this too. I just can not imagine going through that.

On September 15th, 2010, Christina said:

thank you for re-posting this. I’ve never read it.

On September 16th, 2010, La Jolla Mom said:

*Sob*

I can’t get over what a brilliant writer you are.

On September 17th, 2010, Me said:

Beautiful – Big HUG

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