10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause

1. Your boobs are 34C, your hips are 3.14 Pi.


2. Your upper lip is a Chia Pet.


3. Alaska hires your body to melt snow.


4. You affectionately refer to your vaginal canal as “The Road to Ishtar.”


5. The fluid retained by your stomach could solve California’s water crisis.


6. Motherf#ck you dickface!


7. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.


8. Sob! Sob! Sob!


9. Has anyone seen my keys, checkbook, kids, mail, car, purse, youth, or Jolene cream bleach?


10. The sky called. It wants your ass to plug the ozone layer.


24 Responses to “10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause”

  1. At least I know I’m right on track with something.

  2. My sign is that I’m reading this after drinking 40 oz. of water in preparation for my pelvic ultrasound to investigate the source of my “female troubles.” :)

  3. foolery says:

    11. Your comedic pacing just gets better and better.

    Writerly crush on you, SDM. This has nothing to do with Ishtar, of course.

  4. theresa says:

    You just described the majority of my days! CRAP!!!

  5. jessica says:

    you are fucking hilarious.

  6. Laurie Ann says:

    Number 6 is my favorite.

  7. Lady, I have tweezers in my tight little grip most days it’s like I’m some kind of Edward Scissorhands. Facial hair?! What kind of horrible twist of fate has to cause this?! PMS…it’s knocking. Louder and louder.

  8. Rima says:

    Thanks for the laugh!

  9. Christina says:

    10? OMG. laughing so hard. Well, all of it really.
    Love you!

  10. Kel says:

    This list was great…it made me giggle outloud!! :)

  11. Alexis says:

    #s 6, 7, 8, and 10 all apply to me and I’m 27. So either I’m in early menopause, or this list should be merged with “signs you’re a chubby crazy person.”

    love you, love this list. i’ll buy you some lube.

  12. Sherri says:

    I think we need to add the pubic hair that no longer grows on the hoo-haa but now trails down the thigh and starts a new patch behind the knees….

  13. I am LAUGHING. I’m going to be a mass of stubble when I hit menopause–my CHIN has been a chia pet for decades! Oh you are funny. And Sherri–oh lord that is horrifying and hysterical.

  14. Trish says:

    So true. So depressing.

  15. Shana says:

    Sister, you are preaching to the choir.

  16. Deb says:

    Those Chia Pet hairs? I lovingly refer to them as “Stray Eyebrows”. But mine have landed on my jaw line. On the right side of my face. ONLY on the right side. Figures I’d be lopsided on top of everything else.

    All of the other things? Never heard of them. Oh wait… Forgetfulness. That’s #9. Shooooot.


  17. MomZombie says:

    Ah, I’m not alone in this hell that has overtaken my body.

  18. Ohhhhhh so THAT’S what’s wrong with me ….

  19. vodkamom says:

    The fire raging inside your body begins as a spark and is ignited by NO KNOWN SOURCE and rages into an INFERNO in less than ten SECONDS!!!!!!!

  20. MissM says:

    What does it mean if you are under 30 and have all of these? Simply crazy? Even scarier, what is menopause going to be like for ME?

  21. Mama Mary says:

    I’ve never been a 34 C, except maybe at the height of engorgement and I’m a hairless wonder so #2, not so much. But #3-#10, OMG! Hilarious! I just made an asshat out of myself in Starbucks laughing out loud at this.

  22. melissa says:

    now i know exactly what is wrong with me.
    i’m approaching menopause.
    and the hole in the ozone layer…yeah, i’m partially to blame. oh, excuse me.

  23. OMG!!! I could check off almost every one of those. I think, for my 42nd birthday which is happening in a few weeks, Gareth feels forced to buy a case of Xanax so that HE can deal with all of this. Can’t blame the poor guy. The hot flashes I’ve been having at night lately are hot enough to melt a tub of dry ice!

    Perimenopause SUCKS!

  24. Da Goddess says:

    The greatest day of my life was the day I woke up from anesthesia following my hysterectomy. Okay, maybe not. It was the day they finally found my perfect dose of premarin and the migraines were gone, the hot flashes were gone, and yet I maintained my sparkling wit and charming “better watch your back, mister, cuz I’ll fuck you up!” banter.

    Take a few thousand deep breaths and it’ll pass. Then you can climb the ladder of success with additional charm and a lot less “aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh!!!!”

    Saying a prayer for you, Deb!

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