He was the first I knew of romantic love. Those beginning hours and days, for that’s all it turned out to be in truth, imposed a gentle panic on my life. When would I see him again? Does he really love me? Is he coming back? I drank up every single saccharin word he blabbered, and they were bedazzling doozies. Once, early on, I listened with pressed ear as he called from out of town to longingly report that his trip was “heaven,” but one “angel was missing.” And I just blithely gripped the phone in a swoon, ignoring the foreshadowed irony. Angel, indeed.


Good God.


I spent hours in Macy’s right before his birthday, scooping up shirts and belts and colognes I thought he’d like. I threw them all done again when in a fit of “this is too soon” reality hit me, and ended up buying a book instead. Just a little old thing that took me two days to pick.


He’d perfected this way of looking at me, of lowering his voice and adopting a gruff urgent tone that conveyed I was all there was for him. I accepted it like a fish believes the worm.


Of course he broke my heart, for that’s what men like that do.


And now my friend — who dated “his” brother — wants me to check him out on Facebook. And I just don’t think I can. It’s 16 years later and I don’t think I can. I’m married to a man who tells me the truth and does what he says and says what he means. I have two lovely children. And I don’t think I can. I’m still angry, isn’t that weird?


He cheated on me time and again. Lied. Used. Roped me in. Set me adrift. Then threw some twine. Which broke and broke and broke.


Now he’s married with two lovely children and I wonder about his wife and whether he changed his spots and whether I’ll ever let go of what he took.


Isn’t that weird?


8 Responses to “Kurt”

  1. Jennifer says:

    Not at all. I wish I was that way with my ex. I’ve decided not to add him to my facebook list. I don’t want to be one of the 60+ girls on his. Take your time in getting over the hurt, it keeps us from getting hurt again. Love your man, your kids and you, don’t worry about anything else.

  2. Diane says:

    Not weird. Normal. Hurt like that runs deep, but it’s less about what they did and more about what we did to ourselves… how we let ourselves down by believing the lies and the schmooze and how we didn’t trust our guts. And no matter how happy we are; no matter how good life is, we will always be a little bit angry… at them, and at ourselves for allowing them in.

    Of course, that could just be me…

  3. I don’t think it’s weird. Why would you want to have contact with someone who treated you so crappily?

  4. No…

    This post stirs up so many things in my head about my own Him. I’ve had a conversation or 20 with that him over the years. Those conversations have gone a long way toward shining the spotlight on why we didn’t end up together. Some things don’t ever really change. Sometimes it’s not worth the mental stabs it can cause. It’s not weird, no, but it can be hard.

  5. Blognut says:

    Not weird at all. It sounds like he caused you a lot of hurt and I can’t think of a single thing that you would gain from being in touch with him whether he’s changed or not.

    I guess the question I’d be asking myself, (because I did when this issue came up for me), “What do I want from him, and am I likely to get it?” When the answer to the first half of the question was, “Nothing,” that was all I needed to know.

  6. Not weird. Totally normal. I think we all have someone like that in our pasts. Facebook brings all that stuff right back. It’s like high school all over again.

  7. Da Goddess says:

    Not weird at all.

    Don’t look him up. You don’t need to go backwards and relive any of that crap. You need to enjoy what you have.

    I’m a firm believer that there are certain people who come into our lives to teach us lessons and when they’re gone, they should stay gone. He sounds like a “goner”.

  8. haha, stop saying “isn’t that weird?” it’s not weird, but i think you may have gleaned this already based on the other comments.
    i found my first love on facebook about a year ago. but we didn’t break each other’s hearts, so it’s all good. he did do a lot of time in prison though. drugs…
    anyway, don’t look him up if it is uncomfortable for you.

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