Well, Hello There Not Crying All the Time

So an update. I’ve taken my meds (Celexa) since Monday. And because I’m still me, I’ve only taken half the pill to monitor any errant side effects, but I will take the full pill (20mg) soon. Still, I’ve found that I’m not feeling so much like sitting in a corner shooing my family away like flies, so maybe the 10mgs are good?

 

I know, I know.

 

I’ll take what was prescribed.

 

Tonight.

 

I just wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t freak my brain on too high a dosage. I find that I’m feeling a bit more “amped” than usual. Or maybe this is what having mental energy feels like? It’s been so long. Also, what if I can’t write anymore? Like the meds rearrange the words in my head and I don’t think the same and am no longer me and start to write like a dumbass? That scares me.

 

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking a lot about how this happened and I find I have some theories, which I’ve briefly outlined below.

 

Theory #1: Hormones Can Suck It

About two and a half years ago, soon after my second daughter was born, I noticed a fundamental shift in my body chemistry. Night sweats, joint pain, interrupted sleep, bladder and sinus infections, intensified PMS. I visited a doctor several times, but came away with nothing more than nose spray and some antibiotics. So. Yet my theory remains: my hormones are in flux and it’s somewhat affected my brain waves. I’ve now had my hormones checked twice, most recently last week, and they came back “normal.” Thing is, my body tells me something different.

 

Theory #2: Inactivity Doesn’t Help

Since I quit my job two years ago to begin freelancing, my activity level has suffered. I sit in front of the computer all the time. Then, I added blogging into the mix and even my hobbies involved sitting in front of the computer all the time. I don’t suppose that sitting in front of the computer all the time does a body good.

 

Theory #3: Aging

My body is changing. That is all.

Oh! And also unrealized dreams.

 

Theory #4: No Real Down Time

I’m a person who recharges by alone time. I need to read and think and write and listen to music and just sit there. By myself. The thing is, I’ve got responsibilities and people that don’t lend themselves to my alone time. And that’s as it should be. But I’ve neglected to find times and ways to recharge in a healthy manner while still being present to my family. Also, my life (and The Rock’s) is all “kids, work, kids, work, kids, work.” If I’m not working and billing, then I feel guilty, even if I’m with the kids. I’ve found it very difficult to manage both work and momhood, ironically much more so now that I work from home. I feel like I’m a neverending, monotonous track and that’s been bad for my head.

 

Theory #5: I Need to Shut Up More

Me. Me me me. ME! Me. Me me me me me. Thinking about me. Talking about me. Figuring out me. Processing me. Unraveling me.

Blah! Forget a life examined. (For now.)

 

So I’m stabilizing — I think — will I know “stable” when I see it? Please advise. And I’m concocting an action plan to address the points above. Except for the hormones. They’re super bad ass. I’m choosing my battles.

 

And also: thank YOU for your support, comments, understanding, emails, and for you. You. You. You you you you. YOU!

 

See? I’m getting better at this non-me stuff already!

 

17 thoughts on “Well, Hello There Not Crying All the Time”

  1. I feel for you, and can empathize in most respects (not the hormones/PMS part, but, well, you know … the other stuff). Hopefully you can take solace in knowing that it is very common for people to face these times and at least you are taking them on and trying to do something about it. I wish you the best.

  2. You’re theories sound like me! Life happens and we hit a rut. I would be doing the same thing if I were put on meds. Take half for the first week just to be sure it’s something I actually need and that my mind/body don’t get out of whack. About the hormones, there’s so many things we still don’t know about our own bodies that will probably never show up on a test. Trust your gut and do the things that you know make you happy and healthy.
    All will be well. Time is a great healer.

  3. hormones are such unforgiving little fuckers. they all must die.
    my favorite line is “I feel like I’m a neverending, monotonous track and that’s been bad for my head.” because that’s how i feel. i, too need A TON of alone time or else everyone suffers. if i worked from home AND had the chronically absent husband that i currently have? i would go batshit insane.

    anyway, YAY! you’re feeling better! but don’t ask me what “stable” is because i don’t know what that word even means…

  4. We’ve gone over this a couple of times via email, haven’t we? Yes, we have.

    First, even though you’ve had your hormones checked, the real fluctuations you’re experiencing are occuring prior to the visit with your doctor and the lab draw. This is 1) normal after having a couple of children, and 2) normal for being 40. Perimenopause ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. It’s real and it can be horrible.

    Also, when you consider the fact that you’ve doubled or tripled your work load (two kids and freelancing), hello! That’s rather exhausting right there. Plus, you have the hormone thing happening.

    I’ve been there, girlfriend. I know all the uncomfortable bumps and bruises and hot flashes of which you write. I hope the meds help you feel like you’re on a more even keel. Don’t forget the other component, though, ask for a referral to a counselor. The meds are fine, but they’re really more effective with counseling.

    Not only will you have a wonderful outlet, but you’ll have someone who can help you track hormone surges. And they’ll help you determine if your meds are truly effective.

    I’m happy you’re heading down this path. It’s a great start!

  5. Dude, I love you. And even if you snap like a rubber band and start writing odes to cat puke, I will still love you.

    However, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think you’re going to be juuuust fine.

  6. I love when you talk about you because I can relate to you, and it makes me feel like I’m not alone! It heals me and helps me and gives me hope. See I can do ME, ME, ME too! ;)

    I had my period twice last month. That’s never happened, and I’m 43 and right in that perimenopausal (how does one spell that stupid, freakin’ word?) age range! It sucks!

    Hang tight, Sweet Woman! You are on the right track! Big hug!

  7. First, I’m so glad you’re getting some relief. Hugs to you for that.

    Second, I think all of your theories are valid, but I especially honed in on (from personal experience) “Inactivity” and “No Real Down Time”.

    If I don’t move – walk, jog, anything – about four times a week, the crazies creep back. And if I don’t refortify by stealing time alone (not always easy, I know) without kids, responsibilities, husbands wanting to be touched, beds needing to be made (I’m giving myself anxiety just thinking about it), I can literally come undone.

    More than anything, I’m just glad you’re feeling a bit better. You’re doing great!

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