March 19th, 2009
So an update. I’ve taken my meds (Celexa) since Monday. And because I’m still me, I’ve only taken half the pill to monitor any errant side effects, but I will take the full pill (20mg) soon. Still, I’ve found that I’m not feeling so much like sitting in a corner shooing my family away like flies, so maybe the 10mgs are good?
I know, I know.
I’ll take what was prescribed.
I just wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t freak my brain on too high a dosage. I find that I’m feeling a bit more “amped” than usual. Or maybe this is what having mental energy feels like? It’s been so long. Also, what if I can’t write anymore? Like the meds rearrange the words in my head and I don’t think the same and am no longer me and start to write like a dumbass? That scares me.
In the meantime, I’ve been thinking a lot about how this happened and I find I have some theories, which I’ve briefly outlined below.
Theory #1: Hormones Can Suck It
About two and a half years ago, soon after my second daughter was born, I noticed a fundamental shift in my body chemistry. Night sweats, joint pain, interrupted sleep, bladder and sinus infections, intensified PMS. I visited a doctor several times, but came away with nothing more than nose spray and some antibiotics. So. Yet my theory remains: my hormones are in flux and it’s somewhat affected my brain waves. I’ve now had my hormones checked twice, most recently last week, and they came back “normal.” Thing is, my body tells me something different.
Theory #2: Inactivity Doesn’t Help
Since I quit my job two years ago to begin freelancing, my activity level has suffered. I sit in front of the computer all the time. Then, I added blogging into the mix and even my hobbies involved sitting in front of the computer all the time. I don’t suppose that sitting in front of the computer all the time does a body good.
Theory #3: Aging
My body is changing. That is all.
Oh! And also unrealized dreams.
Theory #4: No Real Down Time
I’m a person who recharges by alone time. I need to read and think and write and listen to music and just sit there. By myself. The thing is, I’ve got responsibilities and people that don’t lend themselves to my alone time. And that’s as it should be. But I’ve neglected to find times and ways to recharge in a healthy manner while still being present to my family. Also, my life (and The Rock’s) is all “kids, work, kids, work, kids, work.” If I’m not working and billing, then I feel guilty, even if I’m with the kids. I’ve found it very difficult to manage both work and momhood, ironically much more so now that I work from home. I feel like I’m a neverending, monotonous track and that’s been bad for my head.
Theory #5: I Need to Shut Up More
Me. Me me me. ME! Me. Me me me me me. Thinking about me. Talking about me. Figuring out me. Processing me. Unraveling me.
Blah! Forget a life examined. (For now.)
So I’m stabilizing — I think — will I know “stable” when I see it? Please advise. And I’m concocting an action plan to address the points above. Except for the hormones. They’re super bad ass. I’m choosing my battles.
And also: thank YOU for your support, comments, understanding, emails, and for you. You. You. You you you you. YOU!
See? I’m getting better at this non-me stuff already!