June 18th, 2010
My head? A ferris wheel with things to do in each bucket, whirling around like an out of control carnival ride. I can’t catch any of my thoughts, no kidding, and I wonder if it’s a side effect of my medication, an antidepressant I don’t want to take anymore, because among other things it makes you fat around the middle, which is superficial but upsetting when you’re depressed and 41.
Except that I’m not depressed anymore, just amped, and I think maybe the Celexa is doing it to me or maybe now I’ve veered into manic-depressive territory? That would be rich, except when you’re manic you stay up all night and get things done, right? Not go to bed at 10PM and then wake up at 2AM to think of all the things you didn’t do? Not making matters better is that we’re leaving for our camping trip in T-minus three hours and I am currently sitting at a dining room table absolutely bedecked with paper cups, applesauce, insect repellant and sunscreen products. A crowded table does not a calm mind make.
I’m reading this post back to myself now and it is all over the place like my table but I feel I must write something so on I go.
So the medication. I’ve been taking it since March 2009 after an upsetting bout with PMS depression that lasted for an intense week each month. And I’ve noticed changes, like twitching and forgetfulness and amplitude (both mental AND physical) and I want off this stuff. Back in December I stopped taking it cold turkey because I forgot to get my prescription filled and for a while, I felt more alive, less dull, more alert, less faded. I also believe that the medication affects my writing and makes it mojo-less and stupid. And rambling. I actually went back into my archives pre-March 2009 and think I wrote more better. Also now I have heel calluses. Coincidence?
So I quit taking it late last year like I said, and it was OK for about a minute. Then, I started getting snappy. Not sad, mind you, snappy. And irritable and bratty. Pretty soon, I felt like a porcupine with barbs growing out of my skin, not wanting anyone to talk to me, much less try to touch me or anything. It was at that point, I reflected that maybe it’s because I was medication-less, so I began to take the Celexa again.
But now my head.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say.
I like to think I’m just eccentric and unfocused as opposed to needful of medication.
me my family luck on the camping trip!