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Kitchen Sink

Thanks! And I’m Selfish

May 22nd, 2008

Thanks so much for helping raise my daughter right. Really, it’s comforting to know that not everyone believes in over-scheduling, and that random play and frolic are valuable and swimming is fundamental; T-ball optional.

 

And so while I praised the heavens for wise sages such as yourself and for your generous sharing of the wise sage knowledge, I thought: Hey! i bet I could get other questions answered too! Questions like, “Is my back broken?” Because my spinal bones are very sore and make weird popping sounds and I can barely move my neck and I don’t drink milk because I hate it and possibly I’ve developed a spiral fracture due to low calcium consumption. And? I’m serious.

 

Then, there’s other questions I have, like “Does my stream of consciousness writing disgust you?” Does it make you say, ‘Wow.’ Like, in the ‘I’m scared of you’ sense. Like, let’s not meet in real life?

 

More questions I’d like to pose: “Do you give a lot of blow jobs?” I’m sorry, it had to be asked. Because my husband thinks that there’s a big gaggle of blow-job-giving women out there who love it when their husbands watch basketball and they (the wife) just hunker down (code speak) and don’t get up until the game is over. And then, they clean the kitchen while their husband snores peacefully on the couch. I’m serious. He thinks these women exist. And maybe they do? What can you tell me about this?

 

And because I don’t want to be totally me-me-me here, I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I’m not trying to copy She Whose Pants are Farkely (Farklely? Farkly?), because she actually gives great advice weekly on a wide variety of topics that are meaningful and helpful. And I’m just going to do it this once, and only because I feel I have to. In addition, I’m really only qualified to talk about fake medical diagnoses, and scary movies.

 

SO, if you’ve got something you’re concerned about medically, go ahead and ask, and I’ll consult my “Worst Case Scenario” handbook and tell you all I know. I can also name the scariest movie of all time.

 

Other things I might be able to provide consultation on: how to repel vampires, giving the silent treatment and the best websites for clothes you cannot afford, but like to pine over anyway, while cursing the fact that you majored in journalism and not computers. Or blow jobs.

 

On May 22nd, 2008, Jenn @ Juggling Life said:

I’m pretty sure you’re husband has been watching too much cable t.v.

On May 22nd, 2008, Jenn @ Juggling Life said:

Ouch . . . your not you’re.

On May 22nd, 2008, Cheri said:

1. See answer number 4 below.
2. I’ve met you in person. I’m not afraid of you. And I LURVE your writing.
3. What’s a blow job?
4. What would you say to someone who said, “My spinal bones are very sore and make weird popping sounds and I can barely move my neck and I don’t drink milk because I hate it and possibly I’ve developed a spiral fracture due to low calcium consumption?”

On May 22nd, 2008, Deborah said:

1. No your back is not broken. You would be unable to walk. But you sure could use a chiropractor!
2. Stream of consciousness is wonderfully reassuring to everyone around you that they are not crazy either.
3. Waaaay too much fantasy cable TV, where the participants are paid to perform.

On May 22nd, 2008, Steph said:

I would totally meet you in person. And I would hope that you would talk exactly the way you write.

Blow…whu? Oh. Right. I vaguely remember something about those, but it was a long time ago.

On May 23rd, 2008, matteroffactmommy said:

re: your back. it’s not broken. you’re a hypochondriac. remember?
re: stream of consciousness style. um, i thought i was the one who wrote that way. so the answer to that one is most certainly NO.
re: blow jobs. the chick who gave BJs left about 5yrs ago – when she got pregnant with her first. she doesn’t exist anymore.

On May 23rd, 2008, pajama momma said:

More questions I’d like to pose: “Do you give a lot of blow jobs?”

Perhaps what I’m going to say is too much information regarding blowjobs, do I give a lot of them? FUCK NO!!

Don’t pull my hair, don’t push my head down, don’t c…………yeah, nevermind, I’m not gonna go any farther here.

On May 23rd, 2008, pajama momma said:

Oh saw this joke yesterday in fact.

Why does the bride smile so brightly on her wedding day?

She knows she’s given her last blowjob.

On May 23rd, 2008, The Girl Next Door said:

Your writing is fab!! Love the stream of consciousness. Your husband definitely has been watching too much cable but I might be on a slightly different tack than the rest of you on the BJ thing, even when I was still married. Perhaps the “pleaser” in me? Sorry ladies to disappoint you…

On May 23rd, 2008, Amanda said:

Deb, I LOVE your writing! I am even a little jealous. Your honesty makes me more honest in my comments. Not to mention none of my close friends and family read you, so I feel like I can be my real self in your comment section and not hide.

Speaking of honesty and the BJ question, is it wrong if I use them as occasional prizes? Like if you do X, you get one. It is a very effective motivation tool. You better believe my video podcast is debuting on Monday! Haha! :)

On May 23rd, 2008, Tootsie Farklepants said:

Re: blow-jobs, define “a lot”.

Also? I seem to be getting the beginnings of an age spot ON MY FACE but I think it might be another hand. What say you?

On May 23rd, 2008, Deborah said:

I want to edit my #3 – I just meant in that position for that reason, with no reciprocity. I don’t want to come across as a prude. I’m all about reciprocity. Am I making myself clear?
And I would LOVE to know if The Rock is reading all this!

On May 23rd, 2008, Jamie said:

Love your stream-of-consciousness writing. Are you kidding me? It makes me feel more sane.

Your back needs some love. Doesn’t sound like it got that way by bending over in your husband’s crotch, so, what the Hell happened?

And blow jobs? Hmmm…. So over those.

On May 23rd, 2008, crunchy carpets said:

“More questions I’d like to pose: “Do you give a lot of blow jobs?” I’m sorry, it had to be asked. Because my husband thinks that there’s a big gaggle of blow-job-giving women out there who love it when their husbands watch basketball and they (the wife) just hunker down (code speak) and don’t get up until the game is over. And then, they clean the kitchen while their husband snores peacefully on the couch. I’m serious. He thinks these women exist. And maybe they do? What can you tell me about this?”

Oh man..Must show this to my also dreamer dh..convinced that EVERYONE else is having hot porn sex all the time despite kids and jobs and um yeah..

On May 23rd, 2008, mommypie said:

Well, I think you already TOTALLY diagnosed my heart attackish problem, and have convinced me to go to the damn doctor, so that was my big question …

And I LOVE your stream of consciousness writing. BUT you know that!

And btw — I looked at your archives and what the hell? Where have I been? Have I really not been here all week?!? Sorry Deb — exhaustion has caught up with me. You’re still my fave :)

On May 26th, 2008, Da Goddess said:

1) Your back’s not broken. I’ll take your popping and cracking back any day over this piece of crap I own. (Or is that a “I’ll see your popping and cracking with my inability to walk for weeks at a time and I hope to God I don’t pee my pants every five seconds”?)

2) I love the stream of consciousness writing. It’s loads better than mine.

3) If there were someone worthy in my life, he’d totally NOT be watching basketball and he’d be rewarded with blowjobs just because I’m that kind of woman. But then I’d make him clean the kitchen and do the laundry. And vacuum. Hey, if I’m willing to suck in one area, he better be willing to suck in another.

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