May 22nd, 2008
Thanks so much for helping raise my daughter right. Really, it’s comforting to know that not everyone believes in over-scheduling, and that random play and frolic are valuable and swimming is fundamental; T-ball optional.
And so while I praised the heavens for wise sages such as yourself and for your generous sharing of the wise sage knowledge, I thought: Hey! i bet I could get other questions answered too! Questions like, “Is my back broken?” Because my spinal bones are very sore and make weird popping sounds and I can barely move my neck and I don’t drink milk because I hate it and possibly I’ve developed a spiral fracture due to low calcium consumption. And? I’m serious.
Then, there’s other questions I have, like “Does my stream of consciousness writing disgust you?” Does it make you say, ‘Wow.’ Like, in the ‘I’m scared of you’ sense. Like, let’s not meet in real life?
More questions I’d like to pose: “Do you give a lot of blow jobs?” I’m sorry, it had to be asked. Because my husband thinks that there’s a big gaggle of blow-job-giving women out there who love it when their husbands watch basketball and they (the wife) just hunker down (code speak) and don’t get up until the game is over. And then, they clean the kitchen while their husband snores peacefully on the couch. I’m serious. He thinks these women exist. And maybe they do? What can you tell me about this?
And because I don’t want to be totally me-me-me here, I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I’m not trying to copy She Whose Pants are Farkely (Farklely? Farkly?), because she actually gives great advice weekly on a wide variety of topics that are meaningful and helpful. And I’m just going to do it this once, and only because I feel I have to. In addition, I’m really only qualified to talk about fake medical diagnoses, and scary movies.
SO, if you’ve got something you’re concerned about medically, go ahead and ask, and I’ll consult my “Worst Case Scenario” handbook and tell you all I know. I can also name the scariest movie of all time.
Other things I might be able to provide consultation on: how to repel vampires, giving the silent treatment and the best websites for clothes you cannot afford, but like to pine over anyway, while cursing the fact that you majored in journalism and not computers. Or blow jobs.