December 27th, 2010
Do you remember when you and I were driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 1996? And I told you that if dad died, I would play Power of Two at his funeral? And you nodded when I told you the lyrics, but also felt a little sad — I could tell — because I didn’t have a song for you. Well, I never imagined you would die first. A scant year later. I mean, DAD. With his diabetes and high blood pressure and hernias and ulcers. And you. With your healthy eating and non-drinking and spiritual fortitude. I didn’t expect it, mom.
I do remember at your death bed. The family playing The Sounds of Medjugorje again and again. Because you loved it so. Even today, I can’t not go deep in my soul whenever I hear it. I see you behind my eyes every time, mom.
I missed you this Christmas more than ever. I’m not sure why. It’s been 13 years. But this year was especially hard. Perhaps because the girls are older and I wish they had you as a grandma. Maybe because someone close to me just said, “I wish I’d met your mom,” and it opened my heart thinking of why he would have loved to know you. I think though that it was because you loved Christmas and the silver angel a friend sent me after you died found its way into my car — I don’t know how — the kids probably, and the year of your death — 1997 — was imprinted upon it and I thought again of you and that hard November and how a wind still blows Artic and heavy when I think of that month back then.
Either way, I think of you. And I want to give you this playlist again. Because Artic and heavy or not, my viscera knows you were my mom and I still warm when I see you in dreams.
The only thing? I’d like to add this song to your playlist. You would have loved it. And I wish I knew in 1996 what I know now.
Your Errant, Conflicted, But Ultimately Deeply-Loving Daughter.
As for you all? This Tuesday? Please make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose the songs.
Please post your submission in the comments OR post in your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments.