A Most Unfortunate Series of Events

images

 

I vowed not to look at my phone, to Twitter, blog, talk, pee, or otherwise exist except to work. Nothing, not NO THING, was going to interrupt me. I planned to edit the document before me but good. With no distractions. I nearly made it too, but you know how sometimes you can “sense” the urgency of a phone call? It comes in like any other, but there’s something about it, maybe your sixth sense, that tells you to pick up? Even so, despite my intuition, I didn’t answer it. I had work to do, never mind the phone call came in from The Rock. He knew my agenda.

 

So then it must be important.

 

Took me awhile to process that piece of logic, but within 10 minutes I ended up listening to the voice mail he’d left.

 

“…full-on s#x!”

“…hard-c*re!”

“…freaked OUT.”

“Hope she didn’t leave…”

 

OK wait. Um….Let’s go back to that part about….

Well let’s just revisit that whole message.

 

Bye bye document to edit.

 

And…rewind.

 

“Booger was playing with the remote and ended up downloading a p#orno!”

“I was washing dishes, heard something weird, went to look, and saw Booger semi-watching two people having full-on s@x!”

“This wasn’t soft p#rn either! It was hard-c*re!”

“I hope the babysitter didn’t come to the door. Booger ended up selecting the “play movie on all TVs” option, so the p#rn was on all the TVs in the house! And it was loud. She would have freaked OUT. Hope she didn’t leave. How are we going to explain that one?”

 

See now, right there above? For clarity’s sake? I would have said “How am I going to explain that one?

 

Either way, he was in a pickle. Apparently, four-year-old Booger finished watching a DVR’d episode of Little Bear and tried to select another show from the on-demand list. And I don’t know if she was in the “wildlife” section of the pay per view menu, but instead of another “Little Bear,” she clicked on “Suburban Cougars.” Also, it was a good amount of time before The Rock noticed because he was doing the dishes, which is the only good part of this story.

 

As he was expecting 15-year-old Karen, our babysitter for the morning, to come by at any time, he fretted that she knocked on the screen door, heard the resultant p$rno sounds blaring from EVERY TV IN THE HOUSE and hightailed it out of there.

 

Also, and in addition, our new neighbors had moved in the day before, and as it was hot, HOT like a suburban cougar hot, all windows were open at both our situated-close-together homes.

 

So more p@rno sounds for the listening. From our house to theirs. It ain’t no lasagna, but welcome to the neighborhood!

 

And I haven’t even gotten to the part where we need to explain to Toots why pizza delivery men are sometimes naked and don’t use their hands to deliver the pizza.

 

17 Responses to “A Most Unfortunate Series of Events”

  1. Trish says:

    More. I need more information. Such as, did Toots just and watch it for 30 minutes? Was she scared? Did she ask a lot of questions and then follow up questions or was she scared silent? I gotta say this is hilarious! Oh and – did the babysitter come over while the porn was going? Hahahahahahaha! I love this story!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Oh wow. This would be one of those things that I’d hope my kids were too little to remember if it should happen to them. I’m also wondering if she had any questions or even in shock?

    Great way to make the neighbors feel right on welcome. hahaha

  3. Ami says:

    Oops.

    My husband wants to know ‘what channel’?

    Ha.

  4. theresa says:

    OH MY GAWD!!!! Wow! Has she asked any questions about it? I can’t believe she didn’t say something when she noticed it wasn’t a cartoon.

    so

    um

    did you guys finish watching it? Is it worth a rent? ;)

  5. San Diego Momma says:

    So….
    Apparently Booger wasn’t paying attention and the show was playing in the background while she did something else.
    Once she saw it wasn’t Little Bear she lost interest.

    Also, at some point she took off and so the movie played to an empty theater.

    THANK GOD.

    She never asked about it and when we brought it up, she didn’t know what we were talking about.

    Future therapy disaster AVERTED. (For now.)

  6. No worries. She won’t even remember this until she’s in a therapy session at the age of 47. You’ve done your job well. XO

  7. After spitting Diet Dr. Pepper on my keyboard at work I have decided to call DH to warn him of this incident. My 6 year old is very adept at using the remote.

  8. there are about a thousand reasons why I LOVE this — having fios (!!) is just one… ugh.

    also PS: wait? pizza guys don’t come half nude in the OC?

    (damn)

  9. April says:

    Your “It ain’t no lasagna but welcome to the neighborhood.” comment killed me and made me laugh out loud after a not so great day in another part of hotter than hell San Diego. Thanks for the post!

  10. Oh. my. No worries. She can deal with it in about 30 years when she somehow feels the need for therapy.
    Hopefully by then the Rock can feign senility.
    Gotta go, the pizza delivery guy is at the door.

  11. Mama Mary says:

    Ridiculously funny.

  12. Ooph says:

    No. No. No. Just. No. OMG. I can’t stand it. Can’t breathe. Laughing too hard. Help.

  13. kate says:

    Oh. Well. These things happen.

  14. OH NO! This is so hilarious! And exactly why we settle for basic cable.

  15. melissa says:

    hi.lar.i.ous.
    and oh, so familiar!!

  16. HipMamaB says:

    HeeHee.. that sounds like something that would happen to us! LUV IT

Leave a Reply