Why I Don’t Work Out

I have this friend.


And she is lovely. She really is.


Very fit, exercise-y, trim. That kind of crap.


Also, very motivational.


Offering to train me, help me eat right, be my health “sponsor.”


Which is awesome.


But really, she’s like the blondie, feathered-hair cheerleader sister you have, where never in six million years will you perform at the awesome over-achiever level she deems acceptable.


Also, she LOVES to work out.




Like gets excited about it.


So right there we have nothing in common.


But I want to give myself to her just the same.


Hand my body over and say, “Go to town. Do what you need to do. I don’t need my legs to work today.”


Just to put it in context, this is the email she sent me yesterday:


(Paraphrased): Come to the gym with me! I want to do Power Pump first, then Cardio KickBox, then Spin class! Afterwards, let’s do six weeks of weight training and a yoga cool down!”


Whereas in response, I’m thinking (paraphrased): FUCK NO. But is there a smoothie bar?


See, I do like to not be enormous. I do prefer to not be a cotton ball of little to no muscle. It’s just that it seems so complicated. You know, getting in the car. Driving to a gym. Opening a locker. Getting on a treadmill.


I don’t think I’m genetically programmed to break a sweat. I know there’s a good reason for it. Probably something evolutionary, like I hale from a long line of Norwegian acid sweaters.


Still and yet. I promised to join my lithe, supple-muscled freak friend for a workout next week after the kids go back to school. I’m going to her gym for a week, during which time she hopes to transform me into someone who isn’t a human marshmallow.


Also! And funnily! She thinks maybe I might learn to like breaking a sweat!


Poor thing. She’s gonna be real sorry when all my skin burns off because of that Norwegian acid sweat thing.


I’m just saying: You do NOT mess with evolution.


16 Responses to “Why I Don’t Work Out”

  1. Barrie Summy says:

    I’m trying very hard to get back into exercising regularly. And it’s not easy! Good luck next week!

  2. stephanie says:

    amen, sister. i, too, have that friend. just take me to the spa, please!

  3. It’s like we’re the same person. Really. And I can tell you from experience that you are about to hate your friend’s guts.

  4. Chris says:

    This is so funny! I believe many people can relate to this, even the work-y out-y people. I workout, but I don’t love it. Honest. It’s either that, or take the little pills. Funny, funny, funny!

  5. MissM says:

    La la la la, I’m not listening! In *my* head, you work out to be as trim as you are (shut up! You TOTALLY are!) and to prove otherwise I would have to follow you around or something, because if I wanted your body? I would have to work out for hours, and hours, and hours….

  6. Mama Mary says:

    The paraphrasing of her email just made me crack up!!! And, Norwegian Acid Sweat??? Dying.

  7. I think I’ve got that Norwegian problem too.

  8. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by San Diego Momma, San Diego Momma. San Diego Momma said: Why I don't work out: http://bit.ly/9FwuEO […]

  9. Trish says:

    This is great! Ugh, I do not like to move my body in such a way to cause exertion, sweat or muscle tone. It’s just not for me. Good luck at the gym! I say ditch her if you can, and hide out in the steam room or whirlpool. Oh and bring a little vodka to put in the smoothie you get from the smoothie bar.

  10. Chelle says:

    I think I’m allergic to sweating. It makes me tired. So do my kids. Maybe I’m allergic to kids…
    I have 2 relatives, oddly not related to each other or to me except by marriage/adoption, that have this work out thing and both of them swear that if I just gave it a try that I would love it, or at least learn to. I’m thinking I will be blissfully marshmallowy right along with you. Except maybe I’ll be a bit (a big bit) bigger than you. But whatever.

  11. Rima says:

    I’ve heard it’s possible to reach a Nirvana-like state while exercising. But I’m not buying it.

  12. MomZombie says:

    I guess I am in the minority in that I love to exercise and hate it when I miss a workout. I think it can become a bit of an obsession or like a drug. It’s the only time I don’t mind sweating. Otherwise, I detest sweat.

  13. Jennifer says:

    What I don’t like about exercising; what worked fine 10 years ago isn’t doing anything for me now. Drat!

  14. theresa says:

    I love you!!! Tomorrow when I complain that I need to work out, just tell me NO!

  15. Lisalicious says:

    Since you and Jessica (Bern) are friends, and since I adore her and her blog, and since she already knows I am a type-A grammar and spelling freak with nothing better to do, I am going to let you know that it’s “HAIL” from “Norwegian acid sweaters”, not “HALE”. (And that you think you may be a descendant of some non-alkaline cardigan from Norway frightens me…)Love your blog, and love that you use the “F” word. Just sayin’. Plus, I’m from SD, too.

  16. San Diego Momma says:

    OK, but I’m going to keep the grammatical errors up…because I feel it humanizes me and makes me less intimidating to those who put me on a pedestal.

    Being idolized is so exhausting!

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