July 11th, 2010
Hi! I’m still feelin’ bitchy!
Please to enjoy my PMS-fueled rage so my husband doesn’t have to!
And the top 8 Twitter lies we tell are:
1) I own a very large company.
Based in beautiful Alsip, Illinois, my very large company has global offices in the Land of Honalee, Bedrock, and Orbit City. I employ 30 invisible employees and offer them all one heckuva fake benefits package.
2) I am a life coach.
My life is all effed up, but I’m pretty sure I can straighten yours out.
3) I’m an author.
And it’s not a book I self published either.
Yes it is.
4) I am not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.
Can I DM you?
I’d like to talk to you more about how I’m not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.
I’ll need your cell number too.
And to know what you’re wearing.
5) I am the ambassador of kwan.
What I got to say can change your life. At least that’s what it says in my mind.
6) I can make you tons of money.
Just please first buy my self-published books on how I can make you tons of money.
You’re also going to need to purchase my DVD series and inspirational CD.
7) I win friends easily and influence people.
I will tell my 7,000 followers about your yogurt. And they will all believe I love your yogurt even though I twittered last week about a yogurt substitute.
8) I am not on here just to get free stuff.
Can you send me a box of your self-published books and a case of your yogurt?
You know, for research purposes.
My followers mean the world to me.
Of course I only tweet to the most popular bloggers because I am focused on world domination, but I will remember all the little people as beautiful rungs on my ladder.