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Kitchen Sink

8 Twitter Lies We Tell

July 11th, 2010

Hi! I’m still feelin’ bitchy!

 

Please to enjoy my PMS-fueled rage so my husband doesn’t have to!

 

And the top 8 Twitter lies we tell are:

 

1) I own a very large company.

Based in beautiful Alsip, Illinois, my very large company has global offices in the Land of Honalee, Bedrock, and Orbit City. I employ 30 invisible employees and offer them all one heckuva fake benefits package.

 

2) I am a life coach.

My life is all effed up, but I’m pretty sure I can straighten yours out.

 

3) I’m an author.

And it’s not a book I self published either.

 

Yes it is.

 

4) I am not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.

Can I DM you?

I’d like to talk to you more about how I’m not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.

I’ll need your cell number too.

And to know what you’re wearing.

 

5) I am the ambassador of kwan.

What I got to say can change your life. At least that’s what it says in my mind.

 

6) I can make you tons of money.

Just please first buy my self-published books on how I can make you tons of money.

 

You’re also going to need to purchase my DVD series and inspirational CD.

 

7) I win friends easily and influence people.

I will tell my 7,000 followers about your yogurt. And they will all believe I love your yogurt even though I twittered last week about a yogurt substitute.

 

8) I am not on here just to get free stuff.

Can you send me a box of your self-published books and a case of your yogurt?

You know, for research purposes.

 

Bonus:

My followers mean the world to me.

Of course I only tweet to the most popular bloggers because I am focused on world domination, but I will remember all the little people as beautiful rungs on my ladder.

 

On July 11th, 2010, Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

I love it when you’re feeling bitchy. Rawr!

On July 11th, 2010, MomZombie said:

Thank goodness for the Internets, dumping grounds for PMS-fueled rages everywhere.

On July 11th, 2010, flutter said:

oh man, I love a bitchy you!

On July 11th, 2010, Twenty Four At Heart said:

This should be printed on business size cards and handed out to everyone at BlogHer! Speaking of … I can’t wait! : )

On July 11th, 2010, Stacey Ross said:

Bitch and rant on on…I am pretty sure we are all hormonally aligned, by now, so you can be our monthly bitchin’ spokesmomma.

On July 11th, 2010, Mama Mary said:

On behalf of bitches everywhere, me included, thank you!

On July 12th, 2010, Theresa said:

God I love you!

On July 12th, 2010, Christina said:

perfect.

On July 12th, 2010, Margo said:

you are a riot :)

On July 12th, 2010, Rima said:

You probably shouldn’t look at my Twitter bio ;)

On July 13th, 2010, Audrey at Barking Mad said:

I can’t wait to see if this post ends up on the “How to get pregnant” site as well. I’m still fuming, for you, over that!

Personally I think you should speak at BlogHer and read this post and the Facebook one as well! They were spot on!

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