Eight Facebook Lies We Tell

The other day I made contact with an old friend through Facebook. It’d been years upon years upon Paleozoic eras since we last talked and so we used Facebook’s message feature to catch up quickly. Pretty soon though, it became apparent that I was being sold a perfect bill of goods. Terms like “loving wife,” “successful business,” and “preparing for Iron Man” peppered our exchange and soon I began to think his email sounded like an ad. I don’t know, when people I haven’t seen for nine years ask how I am, I tend to fill them in on where I live, how many kids I have, and what I do. I try to use down-to-earth, normal-people adjectives and don’t tend to say things like:


Hey! I’m amazing, thanks for asking! I have an age-defying flat stomach even after birthing two kids naturally…two kids who are currently in Montessori school, are child models, and reading at the college level. We travel a lot because my kids are also classical pianists who play for heads of state and my husband is an astronaut who likes to take the family on his intergalactic space trips. Also, I have a robot dog that speaks 18 languages. As for me? I’m Oprah’s stockbroker. For fun, I chisel marble masterpieces and enjoy the sensual administrations of my nubile waitstaff.”


I mean. COME ON.


Is it just me or is Facebook a giant chain holiday card? At least around December I can gird my loins for this onslaught of oneupmanship. Must the Christmas letter mentality stretch its spindly arms toward Facebook too?


It’s enough to make a woman on the hormonal edge lose her dwindling cool. And so. In the spirit of being a big bitch today, I unveil my soon-to-be-patented EIGHT FACEBOOK LIES WE TELL(TM):


#1 I am so happy! So very very happy!

Look at these pictures! Everyone is smiling! This is not just a brief moment in time that came together after I yelled at my family to shut the hell up, grin, and pose like a Gap employee, This is the way it is ALL THE TIME! And? We all love wearing white shirts and khakis in unison. We are oh so very happy! And fully prepared for world domination by easy-wear clothing manufacturers!


#2 My makeup always looks like this.

I am wearing semi-expensive perfectly applied makeup that I DID not buy at a drugstore. Also! My makeup stays intact even after running the 5K for a charity (photos available in my Facebook album) and during marathon great sex sessions with my hot (photo cropped) husband!


#3 I am not a lush.

Even if 95% of my Facebook updates reference wine, vodka, or karaoke night at El Torito.


#4 I am not flirting with my high school boyfriend.

Look, we get it. He loved you when you had feathered hair. But come on. You “Like” that he went to the Kool & the Gang concert? We’re totally onto you.


#5 I have so many friends!

Yes! We all saw those pictures of you at the Lady Antebellum concert. It’s hilarious how you all circled your plastic cups around each other’s necks and pretended to kiss. All the guys thought that was so hot. And you have so many friends! We especially love those big-haired gals from your days temping at Hot Dog on a Stick back in ’86. Please friend me! I want to pretend-kiss you too!


#6 I am very successful.

I started my own company. It’s called “Spends All My Time on Facebook, Inc., LLC.” I expect it to go public any day now. Also! I consult! Because I am a social media expert.


#7 I have reached the pinnacle of enlightenment.

I share inspirational quotes with my Facebook brethren to motivate them to be more like me because I have manifested my destiny of reaching 50 comments on my last Facebook status update.


#8 I don’t have a body from the neck down.

What? Bodiless people are so much skinnier.


35 Responses to “Eight Facebook Lies We Tell”

  1. Kizz says:

    Re #1, I think they’re airing a rerun of Modern Family where the incomparable Julie Bowen plays the mom trying to get the whole extended family into white outfits in front of the professional photog just at the right point for soft afternoon lighting. I think you’d love the ending of this episode.

  2. La Jolla Mom says:

    You are rad. It’s so true. I also am not a fan of the Christmas letters, will go into more detail over a margarita.

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  4. Danielle says:

    #7 really annoys the crap out of me. I have to stop myself from posting things like I would like to sell my children right at this moment b/c they are driving me mad. But I don’t. And when someone posts some inspirational crap I really just want to put my foot in their ass.

  5. becky says:

    Look, if you don’t stop posting about my personal stuff that I do on facebook, I AM UNFRIENDING YOU!

    I am guilty of writing Christmas letters, but mostly to family. Who, for some reason, actually want to read that crap. And then demand to know where their letter is when I skip a year. But not by calling me. By calling my mother.

  6. Christina says:

    I did a rant like this last year about overly fake/happy/sappy ongoing status updates:


    Drives me NUTS. Thankfully, Facebook has a Hide feature which allows me pull those offending folks off my main feed. Who can stand all that goodness & light? I mean, really – I don’t check in on Facebook to get a damn Precious Memories quote!

    Your list is perfect :-)

  7. Mama Mary says:

    Oh please watch the Modern Family episode that Kizz references. Also, the one where the ex-girlfriend “friends” the husand. Awesome show. But more importantly your post is awesome! Will you do one for Twitter too? :) Love, your cropped at the neck friend who has make-up running down her face and wears Old Navy over Gap b/c it’s more affordable.

  8. Danielle, I’m RIGHT THERE WITH YOU on #7. Everything else is pretty much forgivable if tempered with normalcy. Prosthelytizing and pontificating gets your butt hid faster than you can say “poke”.

  9. Poking gets you hid, too, BTW.

  10. kate says:

    I think there should be a Facebook group for people who *like* this post.

    I would join. Me, the bodiless head.

    Shut up.

  11. Let’s not forget how choosing to be a SAHM was the best.decision.ever! We’re so fulfilled and wouldn’t dream of going back to work.

  12. Shana says:

    Shut up. I am NOT flirting. I really *did* like that.

  13. g says:

    Hilarious, and so true!! What about all those widgets and chickens and gifts and things people play with on Facebook – I don’t get that.

  14. Theresa says:

    I love you more and more everyday! This is hysterical and soooooo TRUE! I’m so guilty! I’ve untagged myself from pictures I look bad in. hee hee

  15. foolery says:

    This right here is a shining example of TWO THINGS:

    1. why my FB persona is just that — A PERSONA — and the antithesis of The Perfect Woman. She’s a basket case. Also, she’s a helluva lot like me.
    2. why I think you’re the smartest funniest thing since beer and why I’d fake kiss you at a concert, too.

  16. SOOOOO glad I’m not the only one who untags herself in unflattering Facebook photos!

    Having said that, I was horrified to see myself in a couple of those “lies”…yech!

    And we all know that in between some of the quotes I post, you’re liable to find another status update about how much of a jackass I really am…a’la gluing myself to something. Something along those lines anyhow. *lol*

  17. Natalie says:

    Best post ever!

    I know I’m guilty of some – though I think #1 is the worst sin. Facebook aids in convincing us that everyone is happy happy happy – except for us — and it leads to misery.

  18. LOL!!!! However, one of my very good friends is about to marry the high school flame that she reconnected with on Facebook. For the record… I’m not oh so happy all the time. In fact usually facebook is where I vent the frazzled with three kids moments.

  19. Jennifer says:

    All so very true. Annoyed by #7, could careless about #5, laughed at #8 and hate #1. It compels me not to post every thought because then I’d end up being known as the most depressed girl on FB while everyone else is “SO HAPPY!”

  20. Starr says:

    Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we might as well dance….

    or how ’bout this one:

    Life is in Perfect Balance, it’s just that our Perception of it isn’t…

    or better yet:

    The Real Voyage of Discovery consists Not in seeking New Landscapes but in Having New Eyes…

    or even better:

    Abundance can be had Simply by Consciously Receiving what has Already been Given…

    oh and my All Time Favorite:

    Misery Loves Company…

    Did I mention how HAPPY I am…..?

  21. MomZombie says:

    You nailed it. Facebook can be so sucky most times.

  22. Facebook is actually the place I reveal more of the nitty gritty details of life, which is why I ignore Friend requests from people I don’t want to share that stuff with.

    The quotes. *Sigh* A few? OK. But yes, I hate when people think their role in life is to be the Facebook equivalent of Mr. Rogers/Oprah/Dr. Phil, I tune them out.

  23. Jason says:

    There are so many times that I have *almost* deactivated my Facebook account. It’s such a mixed bag.

    Another thing: Facebook hogs. They’re the ones who post 40 times a day and keep you from getting to other people’s status updates.

  24. San Diego Momma says:

    Laurie? Did you mean to say “Farcebook” in your FB post? Because if not, I would like to claim that as my own.

    Also…Facebook hogs! Totally! I didn’t think of that one.

    And? May I add? I am super very much guilty of each and every one of the above lies.


  25. becky says:

    Don’t think I’ll ever be accused of #1. Ever. Exempt from #2 because I never wear it (see how easy it is to get out of that one?). And #8 – no, I do show my body sometimes, but reserve the right to take every picture from way! up! high! to hide my multiple chins. I’m sure that’s no secret, though.

    (My other comment? Sounded funnier in my head. Sigh.)

  26. Kelly says:

    Love it all, but mostly #7. There are so many times during the day, now that school is out, that I want to write a status about knocking my kids skulls together to MAKE THEM STOP TALKING. But I stop myself, b/c of all the happy happy happy friends (?) I have who are posting about their amazing, brilliant, jam-packed, creative days with their kids. Gah.

  27. Kelly says:

    Oops, sorry, I guess it’s #1 that I meant to claim.

  28. vodkamom says:

    that was PERFECT.

    Now, I’m off to cut off the rest of my body.

  29. Jack says:

    Facebook has been pretty good to me. Reconnected with a few people and landed some freelance work.

    Don’t have too many complaints about it.

  30. Jessica says:

    Gosh I just hate those creepy smiler types with the inspiring status updates constantly. They freak me out, too. The flirting note was absolutely on the mark as it pertains to a friend of mine who is exercising her right to poke her ex, in a manner of speaking. Great writing!

  31. diamond dave says:

    Another pet peeve is those who keep putting up TMI on their status updates. Even worse are those that have the written grammar skills of a third grader.

    Myself, I try to keep my FB statuses simple and family friendly. If I want to post TMI, burst at the seams with joy over something insignificant, or bitch incessantly about life, that’s what my blog is for.

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