Poo Ethers Be Gone!

So, moving sucks.


And I haven’t even done anything yet. But just thinking about it stinks.


Speaking of, I can’t get over the fact that I’m moving into someone else’s space that has (1) Their hair in the drains (2) Their poo ethers in the toilet (3) Their skin cells in the carpet.


I’m obsessing. And so I plan to buy new toilets because I just can’t sit on someone else’s butt imprint. I cannot. It’s a real problem. So bad, I hold my pee when I’m in public. Unless I really really have to go, and then I hover over the seat and close my eyes, because I just don’t want to know what lurks beneath.


So if you know where I can get some nice clean new toilets (not yours), please do let me know. In addition, I am looking for someone(s) to sponsor the following for this move:


  • Spousal Mediator. Because The Rock is going to kill me before all this is over.
  • Brainwasher. I want all thoughts of other people’s poo ethers and carpet skin cells erased from my mind and replaced with images of strong pine scents and prodigious Lysol clouds.
  • Master Life Organizer/Personal Assistant. I need someone to tell me where to put everything I own and keep The Rock from killing me. (This sponsorship may involve tasting all my food before I do.)
  • Deal-Finder. I need a new couch, new kitchen table, new patio stuff, new Pottery Barn white train table with paper dispenser for the kids, new skin-cell-free rugs, new light fixtures, new drawer pulls, and probably, a new The Rock.

Thanks for your prompt and careful attention to finding me these sponsorships.




What’s in it for you?


How about if I have you over for some tea and crumpets masterfully prepared by my sponsored Life Organizer/Personal Assistant?


I’ll probably be single by the time I move and could really use the company.


15 Responses to “Poo Ethers Be Gone!”

  1. Me says:

    Breathe…in through your nose…one-one thousand…two-one thousand then out through your mouth…one-one thousand…two-one thousand…three-one thousand…four-one thousand.

    Currently putting this into effect myself.

  2. vodkamom says:

    omg. You’ve just given me something ELSE to worry about.

    butt imprints. ew.

  3. vodkamom says:

    and, if I might add, I DO believe this phrase ought to be included in the next Webster’s. WHere do I sign you up?

  4. You can do this, you can!
    It’s almost over…

  5. Good golly, you do make going crazy sound like a lotta fun. I’d offer to come along, but that ship has sailed and docked for me.

  6. Blognut says:

    You don’t have to have all new toilets, just get new seats. And? Hire a cleaning service to come in and scour everything, and use disinfectant.

    And believe, no matter what, when they tell you that they did the job.

    Oh yeah, and get the carpets cleaned, too.


  7. OMFG – you are a riot… I agree with just get new seats – less expensive & no plumber’s crack involved.

    As to carpets – if it’s yours to fix might I suggest a trip to IKEA for some laminate flooring? Thus no one’s skin cells or any other bodily cast-offs will be available for future forensics files should there be a crime in your home (such as The Rock killing you for neurotic behavior).

    As to deal finder – I’ll take ya to all my faves!


  8. MissM says:

    Bleach and steam cleaner. Saved my sanity after moving a zillion times… Oh, and rubber gloves. Will make The Rock let you come to bed next to him still.

  9. brian papa says:

    The cool thing will be AFTER you moved, you’ll drive by this place and it will be like an old ex. Except it won’t because you’re already married. You’ll say to Rock, remember when we used to live there and…?
    We used to drive around our old houses all the time…and make fun of the people that moved in to our old space. “that’s who moved in! OMG! they totally killed the lawn…and look at the flowers!”

    happy moving!!!!

  10. Organizing is my neuroses and my drug. You’d really let me help you?!

  11. g says:

    Get new toilet seats, don’t worry about the rest of it. I used to always get a new toilet seat whenever I moved.

  12. I would likely drive you absolutely batshit with my utter nonchalance about the possibility of germs…Maybe it’s the going to amusement parks & fairs throughout my childhood – no time to worry about cooties!

    Best of luck! [P.S. I also recommend IKEA for all things new & inexpensive.]

  13. New seats? That should work.
    New paint and flooring goes so far too…

  14. I travel with hand sanitizer, wipes, and if there’s no toilet seat cover available, I will use four rolls of toilet paper to create a barrier between me and the seat. Otherwise, I hold it until I pop. Don’t even ask how often I clean my toilet at home. I’ve done cleaned through it in places.

    Deb, if you need help putting things away at the new place, I’m super expert at that and will supervise, chat, run to get food, chase kids, whatever it takes to help you get settled. By the way, is there room on your patio for a shed I can live in?

  15. tinsenpup says:

    I think not hearing you talk about “poo ethers” ever again would be its own reward for helping in any way we can. :)

    Maybe a new toilet seat and a bottle of antiseptic would make a nice compromise?

    My beloved partner and I get along great by living in separate houses, if that’s any help…Maybe not…

    Most of my furniture comes from the ‘As is’ section of Ikea; curb side hard waste collections; ebay or thrift stores (I favour an ‘eclectic’ decorating style)…But I’m not sure there’s enough antiseptic in the world to help you deal with a used couch… :)

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