Jigsaw

Today I’m reminded why do prayers work for some and not for others. Why I’d rather just know, and punch hope. Screw the experimental medicine and the new treatment and the wait and see.

 

Today in December when I knew you would die and you said no you wouldn’t (NO! YOU WOULDN’T!) I saw so clearly in closet tears see I know losing a mom watching her die and now 7AM it’s happened again. This very morning. Fuck that memory.

 

(I want that memory.)

 

Today I know there are fathers, and more mothers, and grandmas, and sons and daughters and friends and neighbors and the person down the street and more, just more.

 

And I could keep on, tell God stop taking my mothers but your daughter, that’s her rightful cry and lament.

 

So today I recall why do prayers work for some and not for others.

 

13 thoughts on “Jigsaw

  1. It’s hard to find a good enough reason for all the suffering and loss. I’m afraid I haven’t that grace, being more inclined to

    “rage, rage, against the dying day. Do not go gentle into that good night.”

    My thoughts are with you today-

  2. A Meditation by Cardinal Newman

    God has created me to do some definite service;
    He has commited some work to me which he has not committed to another.
    I have my mission-I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told of it in the next.

    I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons.
    He has not created me for naught,
    I shall do good, I shall do his work, I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place while not intending it-if I do but keep his Commandments.

    Therefore, I will trust Him.
    Whatever, wherever I am,
    I can never be thrown away,
    If I am in sickness, my sickenss may serve Him.
    In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him,
    if I am sorry, my sorrow may serve Him.
    He does nothing in vain.
    He knows what He is about.
    He may take away my friends.
    He may throw me among strangers.
    He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from my-still He knows what He is about.

    Hugs to you, Deb in this time of despair. Believe it or not God is with you and my prayers are to.

    -Bridget

  3. My mother lives with me and I cared for her after her open heart surgery. I can’t imagine the day that eventually we will have to say good-bye, though I know it will come sooner rather than later (she’s 82 now).

    But I want you to know that I understand the fear and pain and wish you God’s grace and compassion, and no I don’t understand those randomly answered prayers either.

  4. Pingback: San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » Peanut Head

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