How Will I Know?

I’m in Starbucks sitting next to a crazy loon, and as such, I find myself wondering how I would know if this guy might go batnuts and perpetuate some kind of violence upon my person.


How will I know? So far, he’s just sat in the chair next to mine and when I moved to give him more room, he said, “Don’t worry. I’m just going to sit here in my favorite chair for a bit and read the paper.” And he said it in a normal voice and he even looks somewhat sane, but come to find, something is way off.


I can tell because he’s talking to himself and as he holds the paper up to his nose, I catch him looking over at me, blinking rapidly. There’s also the getting up and down, walking outside in a quick, jerky gait, then coming back in and plopping into the chair with a voluminus diarrhea fart.


Perhaps he is garden variety bananas. That’d be OK. I caught myself scanning his fingernails for human tissue or platelets, and when they came up clean, I breathed a little easier. But them I got a glance at the darty eyes, and now I’m not so sure again.


Oh boy. Currently, he’s reading the comics and laughing disturbingly loud and ampy. Hmmmm. Another possible banal, ubiquitous and harmless crazy clue, but what if Cathy is not so funny this day, will he lose his marbles wily nily? I still have no insight.


Wait. It just came to me. I think I just developed a five-point plan for distinguishing between normal-crazy and dismemberment-crazy.


I hope you find it insightful.


Crazy Person Identification Pointers

1) Are their eyes dead? Or are they too alive?

If the crazy person next to you has limpid pools of doom for eyeballs, then there’s your first indication all is not right. On the other hand, if the eyes burn with horrific foreboding, then there you go, too. Come to think of it, in either case, quietly pack up and leave.


2) Are they filling up their cheeks with air, then blowing out again, propelling spittle droplets in your general direction?

This is not so good. Time to go.


Just as soon as you finish this post.


3) Do they suddenly and with little provocation, shoot forward in their seat and pretend to type on a keyboard, mimicking your hand movements?

Again, not a positive sign. They will quite probably kill you.


Would you finish this post already?


4) When they jerkily lumber past you to go outside for the 113th time, do they only step on every other floor tile? When they return, 1.4 seconds later, do they momentarily and disturbingly stop in front of your chair with a guttural cackle?

Are you about to go home yet??? You really should. The prognosis on this crazy person is not looking up.


5) Is the crazy person next to you reaching into a skeezy black plastic bag in his pocket that probably holds a serrated butcher knife and a yellowing photo of his despised mother?

I will repeat: this does not bode well. Specifically I’m thinking harbinger of death.


Well, I think you’ve got your answer. I hope this step-by-step crazy-person-about-to-inflict-fleshly-damage classification guide has helped you as much as it’s helped me.


And so I will see you later.




13 Responses to “How Will I Know?”

  1. oh dear god! but what great blog fodder!

    the whole post cracked me up, but the following made me laugh incredibly loudly:

    “plopping into the chair with a voluminus
    diarrhea fart.”
    “If the crazy person next to you has limpid pools of doom for eyeballs, then there‚Äôs your first indication all is not right.”

    i less than 3 you fiercely.

  2. Blognut says:

    I never notice the other patrons in Starbucks because I’m too busy keeping an eye on Carlos, the hairy Italian Vampire Caveman to see if he is dropping any of his hair, arsenic, or London Fog into my coffee.

    I will try to pay better attention next time. I could be enjoying my morning beverage with a serial killer pacing in and out, and I might not even know it.

    Thank you for this warning! You’re always looking out for me!

  3. kate says:

    “I caught myself scanning his fingernails for human tissue or platelets.”

    this is why we love you.

  4. kate says:

    “I caught myself scanning his fingernails for human tissue or platelets.”

    this is why we love you.

  5. kate says:

    um. i don’t know how that happened. i extra love you tonight. obviously.

  6. As a former New Yorker, I have one piece of advice: NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SUSPECTED CRAZY PEOPLE.

  7. Sounds like what my highschool friends and I used to pay my sister and her friend to do when we were bored. We’d send them into places like Starbucks and Kinkos to act bat shit crazy. It was a gas. Or maybe you were on that MTV show Boiling Point? If so, you bolted before your time limit was up and lost 100 bucks. Just to be on the safe side, though, I hope you drove away in a way that he couldn’t see your license plates…

  8. Ferd says:

    OMG, I will be rocking back and forth in my chair, mumbling to myself, and controlling my sphincters with some difficulty, until I read another post from you. And hopefully not a post-mortem!
    Hope you got home okay!
    Where the hell are you going for your material!?

  9. g says:

    I think I sat next to him at the counter at Norm’s while eating a BLT and waiting for my car to be smogged across the street.

  10. Dedicated Writer Identification Pointers:
    1. Ability to keenly observe (and time) peculiar behaviors without being detected

    2. Willingness to sacrifice well-being for astute visceral descriptions

    3. Superhuman capability to avoid being murdered and/or dissected by crazy people in immediate vicinity


  11. You must start drinking decaf. It is the only way to save yourself from spotting the crazy people at Starbucks.


  12. Da Goddess says:

    Do they just sit and look at you, absorbing everything you say, smiling in all the right places, laughing at your jokes? This is usually a sign that someone I’m talking to or even near is crazy. I actually start to believe they kind of like me.

  13. […] course, at that point, I begin to pack up even though I just got there, because I follow my own rules, but only if they prevent my untimely death, and Elijah then pointed at me and shouted, “Oh […]

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