PMS: Large and In Charge; An Exegesis in Three Mostly True Parts

Part 1: The Prologue

(Thursday, Jan. 22, 9PM. I am at a Cocktails in Historic Places event, sitting alone at a table, nursing wine and texting The Rock. Please note that I did not publish his responses, requiring you to use your super powers of deduction to fill in the blanks.

Footnote: Rhonda is The The Rock’s ex-girlfriend from 15 years ago that he hasn’t talked to or seen for going on 10 years.


So he says.)


You home?


Today is Rhonda’s birthday.




No duh.


I am hungry, r u?


OK, u texting acronym aficiando


No…just hungry


Part II: The Progression

(January 23, the afternoon. Sitting at kitchen table engaged in a one-way Twitter breakdown. Note how I talk exclusively about edible consumables, with the exception of the two seconds I stole from my busy food schedule for odor and current event acknowledgement.)




Part III: The Free Fall

(Jan. 23, later in the afternoon. Again, I am texting The Rock. Again, I will only publish my side of the conversation to protect the ignorant.)


Please come home. I feel weird.


No. Existentially.


I just ate 15 Pamprin with chocolate sauce. It’s all going to be OK.


Can we go Outback Steakhouse tonight for a bloomin’ onion?



And a steak.


There’s no m, a, or b in yes.


That’d be wise.


8 Responses to “PMS: Large and In Charge; An Exegesis in Three Mostly True Parts”

  1. Barrie Summy says:

    Oh my gosh! You are so funny! Hey, did you send in your registration for SCBWI?

  2. Blognut says:

    I have no trouble understanding any of this, I’m on my 20th day and I’m about to blow my brains out.

  3. @blognut — 20th day of what? i am so clueless. but i still lol’d at the content of this post.

  4. robyn says:

    I laughed out loud at your one-sided text convo about blooming onions. You’re too funny!

  5. Da Goddess says:

    You’re really weird. Why? Because I, too, want Outback Steakhouse. Must! Have! Some!

    “No, I do not want steak cooked at home. No, I do not want broccoli cooked at home. No, I do not want a fucking homecooked baked potato! I want my Outback experience because only they can do it right, thankyouverymuch.”

    And that is the conversation I had with everyone who would listen to me for the last week.

  6. Pearl Wisdom says:

    This post was so funny it just made me follow you on twitter. And it took quite a bit of effort. Because I cant spell.

    No pressure, but I expect some laughs now. :)

  7. jessica says:

    Just wanted to let you know that I put your link on my post today. I finally did the “writing prompt” #39 and fucking loved it. I had a blast writing it.

  8. Eden says:

    Bloomin’ Onion = FUCK YES! That’s what I’ve been needing! Unfortunately traveling down the mountain to the Outback increases the sinus pressure in my head. Once it’s better, it should be my PMS time and I want a Bloomin’ Onion AND a salad b/c they hav ethe best salads.

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