Not on My Watch

I’m a little nutso about home security, as in completely insane. I always need the doors locked and at night, I only leave the bedroom windows open a crack in case an enterprising burglar rock climbs our sheer walls to gain access.


I absolutely must have our home alarm at all times and have an escape plan all worked out in case someone breaks in and triggers the warning system, a plan (scream) that went unimplemented the night the alarm actually did go off and I sat there like an idiot just waiting to be found by Bloody McMurdersalot.


So I’m paranoid. Two tons and twenty sixpence percent. One night, our doorbell rang at 3AM and The Rock went downstairs to answer it while I beseeched him not to open the door. I mean, really? Come on! Hello? Crack-addled sociopaths much? Roaming neighborhoods after midnight hoping someone will be unparanoid just enough to answer their front door?! Until a stupid non-paranoid door-opener is mutilated and sold for body parts/or eaten on the open market?

For crap sakes, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!

So he didn’t because my brain hemorrhaging distracted him.


Then last night, right before bed, I noticed our unset alarm keypad was blinking red, which meant a door or window in our house was open. After some checking, I discovered that The Rock never closed the garage door after work. Meaning the door, which opens to an unsavory-ish alley, had been open for hours. This fact unnerved and unsettled me. As I shut the door, I imagined that someone had probably wandered into our home from the open garage and was now hiding somewhere inside just waiting for us to fall asleep so they could do whatever unsavory alley dwellers do to sleeping people (search them for recyclables?)


After a thorough reconnaissance, and checking for alley people behind shower curtains, under window seats, or diabolically disguised as The Rock, I came to our Harry Potter closet. This thing winds under the stairs and always has spiders in it. So it’s dead to me. Still, I had to assume that someone was probably lurking in it. So I rigged up this makeshift home security system designed to alert me to any funny alley dweller business. If someone planned to emerge from this closet after midnight to murder us, I’d know thanks to the deafening sound of a tennis shoe dropping.


Home Alarm


Nothing untoward happened last night thankfully, but I still don’t think The Rock is who he claims to be.


28 thoughts on “Not on My Watch

  1. We have a Harry Potter closet too. And we call it that too.

    But we don’t have any bad guys in it. Just junk.

    If we did get a bad guy in the house, I would totally take the blue bandage from my bloody stump toe and scare him off.

  2. OH MY GOD!! I laugh because it’s true!!

    Everything is locked up tight as a monk around these parts, but that doesn’t stop me from walking through the house each evening (primarily on those when Tool Man is gone overnight) and checking things because OMG, what if someone had unlocked the deck door some how in hopes of gaining access to the dwelling at 3 a.m.!

    Due to messes beyond my control made by others in this house who shall not be named but are definitely implicated, I’ve been parking in the driveway, but that just means I make the kids run in the garage and inside so I can close the garage door swiftly to prevent some ne’er do well or the Invisible Man from ducking and rolling in and laying in wait for us at a later time.

    My survival tactic has been and remains so – play very heavily asleep so as to not disturb a potential thief or killer. If I can ID them in a line up later, I figure it’s a win-win for the both of us. Short of that, I can hold my breath for a few minutes in a feeble attempt to play dead!

  3. Dude. A very large Maglite flashlight will help you sleep better. And I mean LARGE, like the ones cops carry. Then you can stash that sucker somewhere handy (mine is on my headboard), and while the burglar is all, “Oh, they’re snoozing away. Heavy sleepers!” and is distracted with the ransacking, you can give him a whack to the back of the dome.

    At least, that’s how it works in theory. In practice, you will hand that bigass flashlight to your husband and tell him to go find out what’s making the creaking noise while you dial 9-1 and wait to dial that last 1.

  4. Reminds me of the time that I heard a noise in the middle of the night and went out, armed with a wire hanger, to defend the house.

    You need a “Panic Room.”

    If you really want to get in touch with that fear, watch Jodie Foster’s movie by the same name.

  5. Our doorbell rang at 2am once. It was my neighbor, in his boxer shorts and nothing else, out of breath, because he had just chased after people stealing our truck OUT OF OUR DRIVEWAY. It was not awesome. Oh and it was the first night EVER my youngest slept through the night. Of course I didn’t.

  6. Crackerjack home security is a must and yet you followed a random stranger into a strange underground garage to get a ride to your hotel in Brooklyn. You are an enigma. A beautiful, delightful enigma.


    Oh my god, did you crawl into my head? Because this is exactly what I would do. What I DO do. If you know what I mean. LOL

    I’ve always said: Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they AREN’T after you. Am I right??? LOL

  8. p.s. I even keep the door locked during the day! If I’m inside the house, everything’s locked up. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is. I mean hello??? Home invasions??? LOL

    Whew, I’m so glad someone else has the same psychosis.

  9. just set yourself up with a WWI dagger… like my husband did the other night when i scared the f out of him walking downstairs when it was late and the house was quiet. ahem.

    lmao @ “bloody mcmurdersalot” and “the deafening sound of a tennis shoe dropping”.

  10. Oh, golly. You would think I’m nuts. I won’t sy why, but let’s just say that home security does not play that prominent a role in my life.

    Although at one time it DID, and in fact, its use was justified. Although – we were ultimately to blame for what happened.

    We had a house in Seattle, in a “transitional” neighborhood. We had a security system. We also had a daylight basement, where we kept our bicyles, because it was easy to ride them from the basement door to the alley and then to the street.

    Well, SOMEONE (not telling who) had a bad habit of not turning off the basement light when HE did the laundry, so the contents of the basement were often visible to anyone who cared to look.

    One night we were awakened by the alarm and a crashing sound – some neighborhood kids had kicked in the basement doors. They stole the bike nearest to the door – couldnt’ get the other one, as it had its lock on and couldn’t be rolled away.

    Scarey, and we had to have a carpenter friend repair the door frame, but – in a way, it served us right.

    Although, given our current practices, we didn’t learn our lesson.

    But this is a different neighborhood!

  11. I love reading your blog…you are hilarious! I think we are all a little paranoid about our homes. I remeber one night many years ago when we lived in Cleveland. I was pregnant with my first son, and my husband let a guy in out house at 9pm at night…who was out soliciting re: the current political race or something of that nature. All I could think of was this guy is going to kill my husband and then he would attack the poor preggers lady. I gave my hubby hell after that incident.

    Keep up the great writing…you always entertain me!!

  12. That’s a clever contraption you’ve got there, missy.

    I’m the door-checker around here. Most of the time, my husband’s out of town anyway, but when he’s home, he’ll leave the doors unlocked and all the lights on if I don’t take care of it.

    One night I got a crank call at 3 AM and the person on the other end said she was from some government agency, and that they had tracked a serial killer to my house and he was inside it right now. Well, it took me about 20 seconds to wake up and realize it was BS and hang up (after saying “Wha?” a few times). But my heart was pounding and it was 2 hrs before I went back to sleep.

    If only I’d had that belt/tennis shoe setup to ease my mind. :-)

  13. omg, you are too darn funny! I sleep with my phone under my pillow just in case, you know, but that’s about it. Maybe you can come to my house and help me make it more secure! I think if I had babies to protect, I’d be more vigilant, but it’s just me.

  14. Oh my – how funny.

    I have just stumbled on your blog as a new commenter came by way of mine, I noticed you in her blogroll, as my husband is a San Diego original I popped in – and voila – I found a laugh!!

    Once, when alone in a scary house with my child I was very frightened of burglars and bogeymen – so I got my daughter’s lego and scattered them around the house and put her trike behind the front door and her scooter behind the back one. I figured I couldn’t step and trip all over these things without a few out loud cusses and therefore no crook would have the forbearance.

  15. hahaha! I love it! You and my dad would get along swimmingly…….ok, I’ll admit it, I might have a little paranoia in me as well. I inherited it, it’s not my fault.

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