I Can Always Get a New Face, Right? (UPDATED)

Today I’m having my face burned off.

 

I’ve often heard that when you’re 40, you must decide between your face or your ass. So I’ve decided to take the face out of the equation to give my ass a fighting chance.

 

I’ll post the before picture this afternoon.

 

p.s. Although I probably would have attempted this myself after a few more desperate sun-damaged years, it’s being done by a professional I trust and actually like.

Hopefully, the feeling is mutual.

 

Wish my face luck!

 

p.p.s. Head transplant next!

 

p.p.p.s. As long as I can keep my new face.

 

p.p.p.p.s. And addled brain.

 

p.p.p.p.p.s But I’ll willingly give up the hair.

 

p.p.p.p.p.p.s (Will this hurt?)

 

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. If ass-burning-off technology were perfected yet, I’d have a real conundrum on my hands.

 

UPDATED TO ADD:

 

I just want you all to know how carefully I’ve concocted my perfect online persona. One where it’s impossible probably for you to believe that I poop, sweat or mess up in any way. Right? It’s not like I ever talk about or show you any of my flaws, insecurities or anxieties. Ever. And I’m not sarcastic and in-your-face either.

 

That’s all about to change.

 

Because here are my before and during face-being-burned-off photos.

If you are squeamish, look away.

 

I just hope that by posting these, I can help other people afflicted with adult onset acne.

 

Fake boob job

 

Oops! Did I just post that out loud?

 

Sorry. Someone got into the 700cc boob inserts.

 

Fake Boob Job: YEAH!

 

Oops again!

Don’t mind that insert poking out of my shirt. The doctor assures me that the gel swell subsides after a few days.

 

Oh fine. Here I am before the procedure:

 

Beautiful?

 

See the flakiness? The redness? The crooked nose?

 

OK fine! Here I am without makeup. Dammit.

 

Definitely not.

 

See the flakiness? The redness? The pustules? The crooked nose?

 

Here I am after the face has begun to burn off. It hurt like a mother. (For two minutes.)

WHAT IS WITH MY CROOKED NOSE?????

 

Uh, No.

 

Um.

 

Here I am leaving the office, about to stun and concuss everyone outside with my Gorgon-ness.

 

My face-burner-offer, Cora, assured me that after 7 days, I will be beautiful and that my nose should straighten out spontaneously.

 

Meanwhile, let’s go back to this:

 

Fake boob job

 

It’s minisculely more pleasant.

 

Stay tuned for mid-week flaking and rawness!

 

36 thoughts on “I Can Always Get a New Face, Right? (UPDATED)”

  1. OW!!!! You are a braver woman than I am – I just stick to staying out of the sun or wearing a big hat. Pain is a big No-Go for me. I think it’s also called chicken sometimes.
    Hope it goes smoothly – can’t wait to the the before and after!

  2. I see boobs. Really freaking big boobs. Who the hell looks at your face with boobs like that?

    *slaps self

    Focus pjmomma, FOCUS!

    So what exactly does this do besides hurt like a major beeyotch?

    Does it make big poors smaller? I think a meteor crashed on my nostrils. Possibly several meteors? Maybe even a meteor shower.

    Will it get rid of my *cough “laugh lines”?
    such a nice way to say it don’t you think? laugh linessssssss

  3. PJ: It’s a TCA peel and it’s supposed to even out fine lines, “refresh” your skin, “erase” sun damage, etc. My awesome esthetician said it will minimize my cavernous pores, of which I have millions.

    We’ll see!

  4. Huh? Crooked nose?

    Where?

    Ass peel? Um, NO! I wouldn’t be able to sit, and seeing as how I am a professional sit-on-her-asser, that just wouldn’t work for me.

    But the face peel…yeah, I can see that happening.

    Does it still hurt, or burn? Yikes.

  5. p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s The boob job is fake. Just so you know. Hopefully, I won’t get a nipple staph infection for sticking those oft-worn inserts into my bra.

  6. Forget the face peel or ass burn; where do I get me some boobs like that???? Holy cow woman. With boobs like that, who the hell looks at your face???

    Completely tongue in cheek, y’all. Don’t send me hate mail now. Geez. LOL

    I say, “Good for you. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself. You go, girl! :-)

  7. OMG, so hysterical. I think you so bamboozled the Random Ads that for a while there it was just blank space! And then Obama appeared. And it looked like HE had a peel! Your influence is obviously extending far and wide. Wow, Deb, what next??

  8. Here is the peel deal:

    I do need to stay out of the sun, pretty much for the rest of my life (actually I need to use heavy duty SPF, wear a hat and sunglasses for the rest of my life…but I was prepared to do that anyway).

    This week though, my skin will turn brown, peel off and reveal a glowing pearl beneath (I hope).

    My esthetician said this peel is like peeling off the top layer of an onion to reveal the moist dewy oniony goodness below.

    In a week from now, the peeling should cease, and my skin be healed. I’ll post more pics.

  9. My esthetician said this peel is like peeling off the top layer of an onion to reveal the moist dewy oniony goodness below.

    But what if I don’t necessarily like onions?

    Ok, I’ll admit I do like them on those little Mexican tacos, you know those ones with the carne asada, I prefer pollo asada, but that’s just me, the soft corn tortilla and some sour cream and guacamole? Or in stuff like pico de gallo, but on pizza or a turkey sandwich? nah

  10. I was all, “Wait. Is ‘face peel’ a new euphemism for ‘boob job’? If so, I want one of those ‘face peels.’ Because my girls aren’t small, but man alive, does Deb look perky. Plus? I didn’t even really notice her face at all which…holy shit, did I just turn into a guy? No? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to say va-va-vavoom when I check out another broad’s chest unless I’m a guy or a hardcore lesbian. Anyway. Face peel. Focus, Steph.”

    A lot of my internal monologues are like that, including the reminder to focus. But that’s not the point – did you get to keep the inserts?

  11. Did you tell the doc you were doing your own peels at home with the baking soda? Did they tell you to STOP? Especially now that they’ve evened things out?

    The nose? Pshaw! That’s nothing. We’ll have to compare schnozzes sometime.

    Heal well, my friend. You were lovely before and you’ll be even lovelier in a couple of days.

  12. Face? What face? I couldn’t take my eyes off the girls. Sadly, I had those mammas until 9 years ago; size 32 DD on a five foot tall 90 pound frame. YOWZA!

    Oh, your eyebrows are a lovely shape. I totally have a thing for brows.

    I turn 40 on Wednesday. No procedures scheduled…yet.

  13. I would like to know who you got to take those pictures! Did your face burner offer lady do it? ha. Um that “right after picture” looks painful and like your cheeks are going to fall off. Can’t wait to see the “after a week” results ;)

  14. Okay…so now I’m not so confused…I’m doing some catch up reading and actually read your latest post first…it’s all making sense now!
    How brave you are to go through this process…looking forward to the “see, it’s all better now” pictures!!

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