Note to Playtex’s R&D Dept.: More Grip, Less Glide

Lots of frolicking on the beach today! People everywhere! Toddlers running, kids romping, teens lounging. Wow! Just throngs of humanity. And you, there in the thick of it all, real close to the beach, up front where everyone can see you, just gallivanting, gallivanting. Splashing to and fro, chasing your kids, jumping up and down. Why, you felt alive! Energetic even.

 

Right up until the point when your tampon fell out. From inside your body.

 

29 thoughts on “Note to Playtex’s R&D Dept.: More Grip, Less Glide”

  1. Oh, dear. I’m really, really hoping that you’re talking about someone else. Because if it happened to you, I love you entirely too much to let you know that I’m laughing hard enough that the dog is considering whether or not now is the time to learn to call 911.

  2. Yes, Steph. It WAS me. I had to adopt the second person perspective to distance myself from the event. Of course, “you” is also the person who tried to roll the offending tampon in the sand, then realized that whoever uncovered it would be sorry indeed, so I swiped it up and stuck it in my bagel bag.

    It’s still there.

  3. I had a mouth full of water when I read this. You should have some kind of warning included at the beginning of your email to prevent choking on liquids while reading.

  4. I can honestly say, that’s never happened to me before. And despite how much I’m laughing, know that I DO feel really bad for you. Please tell me the bagel bag didn’t make it back into the house?

  5. Oh my goodness… I want to be sarcastic here, but I don’t know your blog well enough yet to make super silly comments. :)

    So until then, holy grossness batman… good thing your kids didn’t notice it falling out.

    When my girls see me wearing one, my 3 year old always goes for the “tug”… and she wonders why she always gets a time out for it.

  6. I’m going to rot in hell for laughing my butt off at this one. I am sorry. Really. I’ll comment more sincerely if I can stop laughing….you are the bravest of the brave to admit this one on a blog post! You Rock, truly!

  7. Not that I’ve had to use any feminine hygiene products for a while (is it ten years already???), but switch to OB. The expand in width, not length, which offers you more protection and fewer slip out incidences. As well, there’s little in the way of trash, which is good for the environment.

    So, to maybe mitigate a bit of your embarrassment, let me just say that the summer between 8th grade and 9th, I was at the pool with my friend Robin and we were sitting on the lounge chairs, surrounded by guys, and Robin suddenly went and splashed me big time. I got mad because I was trying to dry off since my mom was on her way to pick me up. I think I yelled something smart like, “what the hell do you think you’re doing? My mom’s gonna kill me if I’m all wet.” Robin said nothing but gave me a look that I didn’t understand. Anyhow, a few minutes later, she did the same damn thing again. At this point, I jumped up, wrapped my towel around me, gave her a dirty look, and gathered my things so I could go wait out in front of the swim club. Mom showed up, I got in, and while I waited for my mom as she ran an errand, I noticed I felt sort of squishy. I got out of the car, towel still on the seat, and noticed blood. I’d started my freakin’ period and didn’t even know. Once I got home, I called Robin and told her and she said, “why the fuck do you think I was throwing water at you? I didn’t want you to stand up and leave a bloody spot on the chair behind you, you twit.”

    Then there was the time at the beach with the tampon string dangling from bathing suit.

    ah, good times.

  8. To add more information to the too much information, let me just say that a dress, thong underwear, and a rogue wave were involved.

  9. rogue waves are known to be quite dangerous. I hear they’ve taken many unsuspecting women’s tampons. Stay off those cliffs! Sometimes they’ve even taken whole people.

    I tell my kids they’re mom bandaids. nuff said

  10. Great story! Wowza!

    I ditto the OB’s. Those other brands are too long. Even before three kids, I could not keep them in place..it’s not the width of the space….it’s the depth. :)

  11. Shut up.

    I’m not a big fan of the abbreviations that I can’t figure out in comments, but this one deserves one: ROTFLMAO.

    F*ing awesome!

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