June 4th, 2008
Just want to say thanks again for your e-mailed and phoned support during my mental breakdown.
Me thinks that some of my psychotic break came from hormones. How I hate them sometimes! Seriously. How do these little molecules have so much power? What havoc they wreak on my system. I’m pretty sure hormones dictated some of my mental exhaustion. I can tell because — we’re all friends here, right? — I had weird discharge. Always a hormonal flux indicator.
BUT, so much of what I wrote is still with me. The hypo in me says I have adrenal system collapse, brought on by so much worrying and anxiety and day-to-day parenting and being a personing. But I’m no different from other people with packed schedules, dirty laundry and the itch to run away sometimes. So why doesn’t every mother and father have full-on nervous breakdowns? Why just me?
But wait. So many of you let me know it’s not just me, and that I’m not alone. And thank you, thank you, thank you for that. You should know that I originally closed comments in my mental collapse post because I really didn’t want my friends to feel they must lift me up. You have enough to do without fishing San Diego Momma out of the gutter. But, many of you contacted me anyway and I’m so honored you did. Please, let me reprint some of the lovely e-mails I received, because maybe they’ll remind YOU — should you have a dark day(s) as I did, that there are friends and supporters and moms and people out there who care.
(I didn’t actually ASK anybody if I could reprint their e-mails, so…uh. If you’d rather I didn’t, please let me know.)
My wonderful friend, Deborah, who is enlightened and beautiful inside and out — and also a writer (but without a blog! she should have a blog!) — sent me an e-mail that said in part,
I’m going through my own self-doubt, what am I supposed to be doing, is this all there is kind of stuff. I take the advice of my erstwhile Intuitive Coach and write down every day (almost) what I’m grateful for, what I’m striving for and who I don’t want to be. I’ll send you a newsletter of hers she just sent along this line in case it’s helpful. Even when I don’t feel like there’s too much to be grateful for (there always is of course!), I put down things like, depending on the day:
The weather (can’t beat San Diego )
Being able to sit in a coffee shop and write
The love and support of my husband
An active, intelligent mind
The opportunity to have my own business (this has nothing to do with its success right now – it’s the opportunity I’m grateful for)
A loving family
A beach to run on and the ocean to look at
Beautiful flowers from my garden in the house
A delicious lunch
The newsletter Deborah sent me came from here and an excerpt from it says,
Out of all that I listed, I asked myself: “Which Reality do I want to be “all about” today? Do I want to choose the reality of worrying about my mom? — which is a situation that I have no control over. Do I want to choose the reality of developing one of my projects? — which I do have control over. I went through each possibility and asked myself this vital question. Because, which ever area I choose to focus on will be the reality that I will create.
Aspirations and goals, are already potential possibilities that are existing. There are Potential Parallel Universes that are existing in this very moment. Which parallel universe will I call forth by my FOCUS?? Which one will I choose to engage in? Which one will I want to be in conversation about? Which one will I want to be in vibration about?
So, so good. Thank you Deborah and Monique Guild.
Some more good insight came from Myra, who wrote, ”
I just had to email you after I read your blog. My heart goes out to you today. And there are so many things that I want to say to encourage you, but I’m afraid they will sound trite, and I don’t want to do that.
But I do have to ask you this: have you considered that what you’re feeling might be normal? I’m wondering if the sheer drudgery of parenting is hitting you like a load of bricks. ‘Cause if it is, it’s normal. Except nobody, or very few people, would ever admit it. Because they think would make them Bad Parents. So they go around pretending to be happy when they’re miserable. And then they wake up when they’re 50 and realize they hate their spouse and their life. But you are authentic. And that’s not whiny, that’s called being honest.
The support, it laid me low. Thanks, Myra.
More love and well-wishes arrived from Da Goddess, a blog — and in-real-life neighbor — who’s supported me and been a virtual friend for many years. She wrote,
How are you feeling today? Any better? Wishes and hopes and prayers that the dark cloud lifts soon. Just out of curiosity, how close are you to having your period? I swear, when my hormones decided to be all out of whack, that was the darkest time of my life. The exhaustion, the endless sameness of every single fucking day just about drove me crazy. I felt like I had no energy to even lift my arms nor the motivation to inhale and exhale. It was just. too. much. And then the hormones would shift a little and I’d suddenly feel the weight of the world ease up a bit. Not completely, but enough where I could almost function like a human being.
And she was onto something.
Plenty of humor came my way too.
Well first, Matter of Fact Mommy e-mailed me some personal stuff, which I so appreciate, but ended her e-mail with the hilarious,
See you in blogland. And, as that dude in Better Off Dead said, “BUCK UP LITTLE CAMPER!” And, “this too shall pass…” yada yada yada, bullshit bullshit.
And the Better Off Dead reference nearly healed me all by itself.
More lovely, wise words came from Melissa at Cords and Fleece, who shared this:
I just want to say (once again) thank you for writing from you heart and for having the courage to write the words that many of us feel but are too introverted or afraid to say out loud. I too struggle on and off with those VERY SAME thoughts, so you are not alone. During those times, I find it’s best to be kind to myself. Try not to pressure yourself and know that this is only temporary. We all struggle with this Thing called “Domestication,” but it is the sacrifice we make (in fact choose to make) to produce the next generation of munchkins. Try to keep the ultimate goal in the forefront and let that be the light during the dark times of motherhood, of which there are many.
And remember — it’s not often easy to find joy in this present moment, but that’s where the joy can be found.
And there was so much more. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me. Including Cheri who offered to sit with me in the gathering darkness, with this:
Want me to come over? I’m free tomorrow. I will come over so you know you’re not alone. You are unique in your beauty and eloquent in your storytelling and just like all of us in your feelings and the same as every mom in expressing your frustrations, except you don’t write nasty run-on sentences like me. I will come over and pick up toys because you’re sick of it. I will play with Toots and Booger so you can take a nap. Or I will just tell you that I’m willing to do these things and maybe that will be enough.
Even in e-mails, she writes like a pro. Thanks Cheri.
Slouching Mom also sent her commiseration and regards, with:
thinking of you, babe.
this sameness, it plagues me too.
sometimes i want to scream when i’m folding laundry for the billionth time.
sometimes i actually do scream. (when no one’s but me is at home, needless to say.)
but you’re beautiful and strong.
and you’ll get through this.
Also, thanks to my commenters, and my friend Michelle, who offered to take me to yoga, and to my husband, who listened to me when I said all I needed to feel better was to move and get a dog.
Is it weird to say I love you all?
Because I do.