April 5th, 2008
Do you ever feel as if you’ve lost your sense of humor? Or worse, you never had one and nobody told you?
Or that you can’t write? Or that you have no voice?
That’s happened to me today.
I love reading blogs, but the problem is, I compare myself to everyone I read and find I’m not as funny, irreverent, deep, researchful, or to the point — OR I don’t miss the point enough, or at least miss it relevantly.
I don’t post insights, or recipes, or beauty tips or parenting advice or beautiful photos or quips or anecdotes or music suggestions or Civil War reenactments with Chiclets and lugnuts.
I’ve developed a problem. I want to be everybody. I want to do everything everybody does. I want to be as good, as writerly, as sarcastic, as insightful, as angry, as bipolar, as real.
And so that means, I don’t know who I am. Because I’m not going within to find out. I’m getting all external, looking outside for what makes me, me.
In this process of emulation, I’ve lost my voice. I don’t trust it. Because when I sit down to write, I’ve got another voice in my head and it says: “that person was funnier! that person was more authentic! that person is crazier!
I think this is a flavor of narcissism. I mean, who says I have to be hilarious? Or relevant? And if I’m not those things, why can’t that be OK?
Hold it. So is that insecurity then? Is insecurity better than narcissim? Because I want the personality defect that’s better.
That’s competitive. I’m competitive!
No, that doesn’t feel right either.
Maybe it’s just good old-fashioned multiple personality disorder.
Now that’d be bloggable. AND I wouldn’t have to worry about which voice I listen to.