Just yesterday, my husband hobbled home from two days playing a racquetball tournament that wrecked him and every single muscle group in his whole entire body. At the end of the thing, he couldn’t walk, drive, or be. Ended up, I picked him up from a nearby shopping center where he was buying beer to bring over to a hot-tub-owning friend’s house.

He never made it.

His muscles clenched to the point where he cried, and could barely move without assistance.

When I picked him up, one of the first sentences out of his mouth was, “This probably feels as bad as childbirth.”

And then all my bitch alarm bells went off because Oh hell NO, he didn’t just say that.

His pain might feel like giving birth, but probably not, and more importantly, I would not presume to know how something feels unless I’ve felt it, even though I just did.

See, birthing a child is so impactful that drugs are shot DIRECTLY INTO your spine to numb the pain. And also that pain can last for hours, or even DAYS.

Then, the pain only alleviates after you push a large-poundage mass out of your delicate areas or are cut open.

So NO, not the freaking same as having muscles clench.

Stick an eight-pound mass in your pelvis and shoot it out your p@nis and then let’s talk.

Also, good luck with your muscles clenching for that few seconds!

(What? I am NOT PMSing.)