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Kitchen Sink

Holiday Decor Deconstructed

December 12th, 2011

A few weeks ago I worked late on a Saturday and came home around 4PM greeted by a mish mash melange mosaic of Christmas cheer. Seems Toots and Booger bamboozled their dad into taking the holiday decorations out of the garage early so they could get a head start on fluffing our place with all manner of sparkle, glitter, and snow globe.

 

Lordy the place glowed! With bedazzled pine cones placed in heating vents and empty corners, holly draped on couches and sills and toilet tanks, and ornaments put wherever they’d stick. Strangely, that turned out to be every kitchen orifice and cooking appliance, but no matter: The place festively bursted with decorative accents lovingly placed in bizarre and dangerous locations! Have you ever been impaled in sensitive flesh areas by a pine cone? It’s a holiday tradition over here!

 

As I walked through the house and beheld each unexpected Christmas wonder, the girls trailed behind me in anticipation. “Mommy! Did you see where we put the Baby Jesus?” (On a lightbulb) “Can you find the glass ornament YOUR mom gave you as a special memento to remind you that even though you had a conflicted relationship she really loved you?” (On the third step of the staircase) and so on. And all the while because I’m a horrible OCD person unfit to enjoy the magic of Christmas unless it’s tidy, I mentally catalogued each misplaced decoration and re-located it in my head. Of course, sure enough over the course of the next several days, I’d surreptitiously transferred every ball, light, and sleigh to where they properly belonged. Everything in its place! Whhhheeeee! I’m so delightful and fun!

 

As soon as the kids caught on, Toots told me in disappointment, “We KNEW you’d move everything.”

 

Well after that “My OCD is going to kill us all! Alllllllllllll!” moment, I decided to let go and allow some items to be haphazardly re-placed in weird spaces. Which is to say, that around MY home, holiday decor is all about me being able to live with my kids’ version of holiday decor.

 

I’m really coming along. Because this totally didn’t freak me out too much:

 

 

But right? It’s messy religion-wise. Sending mixed signals. A Jesus holiday trinket on Buddha? Come ON!

 

Also, this is a Christmas decoration:

 

 

According to my children. And let me tell you, as a certifiably insane over-vacuumer, THAT is the hardest thing to let stand. Or sit. Or lay? What IS it doing? Scattering its infernal messiness all over my white carpet? DIE pine needles DIE! DISINTEGRATE INTO NOTHINGNESS! STOP DEFILING MY OCD SPACE!

 

Ha. HA. I kid. Just. Kidding. Kidding is me. Call me a kidding person. Of kiddingness. I’m cool, really. Cooooolllllll.

 

But this one hurt a bit:

 

 

At least the Made in China figurines are arranged from lowest to highest.

 

And THEN this happened:

 

 

Yes that’s a tree placed at a 90-degree angle. It toppled yesterday and we haven’t been able to upright it. Now as I’m someone who needs stuff to be aligned in a sensical fashion (note: only in my house, not in my head), this made me spit bile, but I lived. The kids think it’s awesome and want to keep the tree leaning that way. And all the infernal pine needles that flew everywhere when the tree dived into the window? Those are simply a festive nest of holiday amazingness. If I throw pine needles away, I am “killing the tree’s soul.

 

All this is to say I’m trying to win a vacuum. (“I am sharing my holiday home decor and cleaning tips for the chance to win prizes from The SITS Girls and Great Cleaners.”) Because if I had a new vacuum, I could busy myself with sucking dirt up and not worry so much about Buddha’s bow.

 

To that end, I have a few/one holiday decor tip(s) for you:

 

1. This

 

 

is not holiday decor.

 

Which brings me to my cleaning tips:

 

1. Use vinegar and baking soda on everything. I do. I pour it down the sink, in toilets, and on carpet stains. It makes a little cleaning volcano that sounds clean while it’s cleaning. I like things to be clean. CLEAN clean. With cleaning.

 

2. Let some things go. Like your entire upstairs and the insides of things. This cleaning tip can get complicated if you use your second level or refrigerator.

 

3. Get a new vacuum. Because the one you have is full of disappointment and defeat.

 

I think that’s good for now. Because I don’t care to dissect why I’m gunning for a new vacuum when I just wrote about why I needed to de-OCD myself.

 

So: Merry Christmas! Enjoy, even if your holiday figurines are placed asymmetrically!

 

On December 12th, 2011, Trish said:

I don’t even have OCD and these things drive me nuts. I let go a wee bit and let my 3 girls decorate our tree with their Barbies. But on the inside, it’s killing me!

On December 12th, 2011, Middle State/MomZombie said:

As a fellow OCD holiday decorator, I get this. I really get this. Oh, and it’s totally OK to put a Christmas bow on Buddha. He’d be totally down with it, you know?

On December 12th, 2011, Lori Dyan said:

OMG. I also came home to find my family doing some unauthorized decorating. It. Was. A. Nightmare. I feel your pain. Let us know how the tree turns out – it’s causing me distress to know it’s tilted like that.

p.s. I can’t believe you have white carpet with kids in your house.

On December 12th, 2011, Galit Breen said:

Oh my, a teeny tiny bit of my OCD-tendancy heart is dying for you right now.

{A moment of silence for the Buddah, yes?}

Hang in there, Mama! This is why there is chocolate!

xo

On December 12th, 2011, Maegan (@ByndTheBandaids) said:

Bwahahahahha! That is all. xoxo

On December 13th, 2011, tinsenpup said:

I love you. This made my day. You dare to say the things we’re all thinking.

On December 13th, 2011, Judy said:

The reason I connect to this blog: “I’m someone who needs stuff to be aligned in a sensical fashion (note: only in my house, not in my head)…” If I close my eyes I can see how I would like my house to look at Christmas time. But I eventually have to open my eyes….

On December 13th, 2011, San Diego Momma said:

I’m so glad to know I am surrounded by support and love during this difficult time.

XOXO

On December 13th, 2011, Green Girl in Wisconsin said:

Oh yeah–I have the same OCD, but I find it’s either fading a bit as I age or my kids are growing used to it and accommodating my NEED for order. Just HATE it when the tree tips over though.

On December 14th, 2011, Cactus Petunia said:

Love, Love, LOVE the bow on the Buddha! Incredibly festive!

On December 14th, 2011, heidi said:

Okay, love the sprinkled needles on the step. That is absolutely something my kids would do and have done. And the red bow on the buddha?! That is hilarious!
I commented on the fallen tree on twitter and just had to come check out your blog. So glad I did…it made me laugh. Happy Holidays to you. Hope you survive it all and get the tree straightened out. :)

On December 15th, 2011, Jack said:

A cleaning volcano sounds too cool not to try out.

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