I’m Doing a Body Cleanse

Not sure if you all remember this:

 

 

Or this:

 

 

Or way back in the day, this:

 

(I used to have semi-musculature!)

 

But here’s what’s been happening:

 

Hold on…I need to find the most apt word…

 

The one that really sums up my healthy activities of the last three months.

 

It needs to the just-the-right word.

 

Realllly perfect.

 

Um…

 

WAIT!

 

I got it, Jove!

 

It’s nothing.

 

Nothing’s been happening.

 

A BIG, FAT absence of something.

 

I have sat on my butt and unexercised less in the past few months than in all the trimesters of my pregnancies put together.

 

I am so unhealthy. Like, really, grossly, unkemptly, portly-ey, greasily, gassily, unhealthy.

 

I don’t even CRAVE green things anymore. Unless the green thing is made with a soft serve ice cream dispenser or Wesson Corn Oil.

 

In addition, I think high fructose corn syrup is a vegetable.

 

And there are more nachos in my gut than rosaries in Rome.

 

So when, yesterday, a lovely, glowing woman of health asked me if I wanted to cleanse next week, I said no.

 

But then my ass said yes.

 

And because my ass could smother me in my sleep, my ass won.

 

So I will cleanse.

 

With this stuff:

 

 

And there are solids on the plan, so I will not die of liquid asphyxiation, I hope. (Each day I get two fresh pressed green juices, a superfood smoothie, raw soup, salad, immunity elixir, teas, supplements, and other amazing items of health!)

 

I start Monday.

 

And I end Monday. (I’m just testing it out, see.)

 

But apparently my healthy button will be re-set and so will my ass deflato button.

 

Stay tuned!

 

And if you live in San Diego, there’s a special going on this cleanse until November 10. Let me know if you’re interested in knowing what it is, and I will tell you who to contact.

 

Sincerely,

San Diego Momma, Ass Association of America, Honorary Member and Hall of Famer

 

P.S. I’ve never done a “cleanse” before unless you count the six days before Prom ’85 when I only ate candy corn.

 

8 Responses to “I’m Doing a Body Cleanse”

  1. Smalltown Me says:

    That actually looks pretty good. And the salad looks gourmet! Wish they delivered to Santa Barbara.

  2. green girl in wisconsin says:

    Good luck cleansing. I’ve never had any urge to try that, even though people claim it makes them feel great.

  3. Chrisy says:

    I love the idea of a cleanse! I did the Master Cleanse for three days once. I was starving, but I liked it and it worked. That salad in the photo is making me hungry. Can’t wait to hear how things go. Good luck and cleanse hard! XO

  4. Good luck – and I would totally sign up for the candy corn cleanse.

  5. Mama Mary says:

    I want to try a cleanse, desperately. In fact, it should be on my bucket list post from today. Maybe in the new year. Can I sign up for the discount, but wait til January to do it?

  6. I can’t wait to hear how this goes.

    Really.

    I’m a little freakishly interested. Which is disturbing, but I’m telling myself it’s because I’m really into health.

    Or candy corn.

  7. Charlotte says:

    I have a friend doing the master cleanse. I am thinking about doing it myself. I donno if I can not eat tho. Is this cleanse you are doing available only in San Diego?

  8. The only cleanse I’ve ever done was prep for colon surgery – but hey, being sick helped me lose 5 pounds!

    Now I’m healthy and can eat anything I want and guess what? 5 pounds came back!

    How much are the dues for the Ass Assocation of America?

Leave a Reply