Not sure if you all remember this:

 

 

Or this:

 

 

Or way back in the day, this:

 

(I used to have semi-musculature!)

 

But here’s what’s been happening:

 

Hold on…I need to find the most apt word…

 

The one that really sums up my healthy activities of the last three months.

 

It needs to the just-the-right word.

 

Realllly perfect.

 

Um…

 

WAIT!

 

I got it, Jove!

 

It’s nothing.

 

Nothing’s been happening.

 

A BIG, FAT absence of something.

 

I have sat on my butt and unexercised less in the past few months than in all the trimesters of my pregnancies put together.

 

I am so unhealthy. Like, really, grossly, unkemptly, portly-ey, greasily, gassily, unhealthy.

 

I don’t even CRAVE green things anymore. Unless the green thing is made with a soft serve ice cream dispenser or Wesson Corn Oil.

 

In addition, I think high fructose corn syrup is a vegetable.

 

And there are more nachos in my gut than rosaries in Rome.

 

So when, yesterday, a lovely, glowing woman of health asked me if I wanted to cleanse next week, I said no.

 

But then my ass said yes.

 

And because my ass could smother me in my sleep, my ass won.

 

So I will cleanse.

 

With this stuff:

 

 

And there are solids on the plan, so I will not die of liquid asphyxiation, I hope. (Each day I get two fresh pressed green juices, a superfood smoothie, raw soup, salad, immunity elixir, teas, supplements, and other amazing items of health!)

 

I start Monday.

 

And I end Monday. (I’m just testing it out, see.)

 

But apparently my healthy button will be re-set and so will my ass deflato button.

 

Stay tuned!

 

And if you live in San Diego, there’s a special going on this cleanse until November 10. Let me know if you’re interested in knowing what it is, and I will tell you who to contact.

 

Sincerely,

San Diego Momma, Ass Association of America, Honorary Member and Hall of Famer

 

P.S. I’ve never done a “cleanse” before unless you count the six days before Prom ’85 when I only ate candy corn.