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Kitchen Sink

I’m Doing a Body Cleanse

November 9th, 2011

Not sure if you all remember this:

 

 

Or this:

 

 

Or way back in the day, this:

 

(I used to have semi-musculature!)

 

But here’s what’s been happening:

 

Hold on…I need to find the most apt word…

 

The one that really sums up my healthy activities of the last three months.

 

It needs to the just-the-right word.

 

Realllly perfect.

 

Um…

 

WAIT!

 

I got it, Jove!

 

It’s nothing.

 

Nothing’s been happening.

 

A BIG, FAT absence of something.

 

I have sat on my butt and unexercised less in the past few months than in all the trimesters of my pregnancies put together.

 

I am so unhealthy. Like, really, grossly, unkemptly, portly-ey, greasily, gassily, unhealthy.

 

I don’t even CRAVE green things anymore. Unless the green thing is made with a soft serve ice cream dispenser or Wesson Corn Oil.

 

In addition, I think high fructose corn syrup is a vegetable.

 

And there are more nachos in my gut than rosaries in Rome.

 

So when, yesterday, a lovely, glowing woman of health asked me if I wanted to cleanse next week, I said no.

 

But then my ass said yes.

 

And because my ass could smother me in my sleep, my ass won.

 

So I will cleanse.

 

With this stuff:

 

 

And there are solids on the plan, so I will not die of liquid asphyxiation, I hope. (Each day I get two fresh pressed green juices, a superfood smoothie, raw soup, salad, immunity elixir, teas, supplements, and other amazing items of health!)

 

I start Monday.

 

And I end Monday. (I’m just testing it out, see.)

 

But apparently my healthy button will be re-set and so will my ass deflato button.

 

Stay tuned!

 

And if you live in San Diego, there’s a special going on this cleanse until November 10. Let me know if you’re interested in knowing what it is, and I will tell you who to contact.

 

Sincerely,

San Diego Momma, Ass Association of America, Honorary Member and Hall of Famer

 

P.S. I’ve never done a “cleanse” before unless you count the six days before Prom ’85 when I only ate candy corn.

 

« « Of Unicorns and Firemen    |    Holiday Comforts » »

On November 9th, 2011, Smalltown Me said:

That actually looks pretty good. And the salad looks gourmet! Wish they delivered to Santa Barbara.

On November 10th, 2011, green girl in wisconsin said:

Good luck cleansing. I’ve never had any urge to try that, even though people claim it makes them feel great.

On November 10th, 2011, Chrisy said:

I love the idea of a cleanse! I did the Master Cleanse for three days once. I was starving, but I liked it and it worked. That salad in the photo is making me hungry. Can’t wait to hear how things go. Good luck and cleanse hard! XO

On November 10th, 2011, tracy@sellabitmum said:

Good luck – and I would totally sign up for the candy corn cleanse.

On November 10th, 2011, Mama Mary said:

I want to try a cleanse, desperately. In fact, it should be on my bucket list post from today. Maybe in the new year. Can I sign up for the discount, but wait til January to do it?

On November 10th, 2011, julie gardner said:

I can’t wait to hear how this goes.

Really.

I’m a little freakishly interested. Which is disturbing, but I’m telling myself it’s because I’m really into health.

Or candy corn.

On November 11th, 2011, Charlotte said:

I have a friend doing the master cleanse. I am thinking about doing it myself. I donno if I can not eat tho. Is this cleanse you are doing available only in San Diego?

On November 15th, 2011, Aunt Snow (g) said:

The only cleanse I’ve ever done was prep for colon surgery – but hey, being sick helped me lose 5 pounds!

Now I’m healthy and can eat anything I want and guess what? 5 pounds came back!

How much are the dues for the Ass Assocation of America?

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