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Kitchen Sink

Helping the Help

September 24th, 2011

I’ve recently been given a project that will take me 22 years to complete, minimum, and it’s due in two weeks. I took the workload on late last month, and according to my math-sucks-butt calculations, I would definitely be able to finish it all by the October 9 deadline. However, using my husband’s constantly-doing-math-in-his-head-JUST-FOR-FUN arithmetic, I’d need to work 10 hours a day for a month to finish what needs to be done.

 

So we have ourselves a problem.

 

Because of the kids and the school and the soccer and the sleeping and the cooking and the birthday-present-buying and the not-head-exploding and the butt-sitting-in-a-chair-all-day and back to the kids.

 

Homeys don’t play the-be-quiet-mom’s-working game.

 

And then there’s the fact that their mom can’t say no.

 

To other people.

 

Like: “Hey! Can you write us an article on book nooks?” to which I say…

 

“YES!”

 

to which they reply:

 

“Now?”

 

to which I say…

 

“YES!”

 

to which they remind:

 

“It’s due in 10 minutes!”

 

to which I remark:

 

“YES!”

 

Also:

 

“Can you edit this 83-page document about the massive bummer of megacolon affliction?

 

to which I say: “OF COURSE!”

 

to which they say: “There’s 29 more like them coming in forty seconds!”

 

to which I say

 

“Uh-huh!”

 

to which they say:

 

“Do them all now!”

 

which is when I put crack directly on my cerebral cortex and become someone my family wants to shoot in the face.

 

Complicating matters is that I really only have three workable hours a day when the kids are in school. And then there’s the days they’re not in school, which with the budget cuts, is pretty often given all the “Professional Development Days” and “Just a Random Day Off” and “PSYCHE! No School Again Today!” days.

 

(I promise that when I’m paid to write, I get to the point much quicker than in paragraph googolplex.)

 

Because the point is, according to my calculations:

Katrabillion projects due + Three hours a day + Not enough coffee beans in all the coffee-producing nations of the world + “PSYCHE! No School Again Today!” = Mashed potatoes for breakfast and a fat butt.

 

I’m still working out the math.

 

Furthermore, all this is to say that my husband has really stepped up to the plate.

 

The last two days he took complete control of the house and the kids, and even did laundry and made food. HE MADE FOOD!

 

The problem is, he’s a much better housekeeper/cook/organizer than I am.

 

Such as for instance, I actually found the milk in the fridge this morning as it was not obscured by half-open cans of refried beans and an exploded heirloom tomato. I FOUND THE MILK! In addition, the coat rack by the door did not have Coats of Many Colors hanging on it. No. There were only the coats we needed. No more, no less, no full-body parkas for a freak San Diego snowmageddon. JUST A FEW COATS!

 

Also, it’s possible for people to make dinner without complaining how no one appreciates you and would someone please do the dishes after. A WHINE-FREE DINNER!

 

He even, and I do not say this lightly, set out the girls’ soccer clothes the night before so as to avoid the morning-mad-scramble-of-missing-cleats-doom. THE NIGHT BEFORE!

 

This is all very disturbing to me.

 

I just expected that my crazy way of doing things crazily in a crazed manner all up in the crazy was the ONLY way.

 

So I’m gonna have a talk with him about maybe nutting up his game so I don’t feel so inadequate.

 

Right after he’s home from buying a birthday present IN ADVANCE OF THE 30 MINUTES BEFORE THE PARTY for Toots’ friend.

 

IN ADVANCE!

 

This has got to stop.

 

P.S. Having my husband take care of the mom stuff really is awesome. I worked all day yesterday while he sorted the laundry, picked the kids up from school, grocery shopped, and made a delightful dinner of meat and potatoes. He even did the dishes afterward.

 

Even just one day of not worrying about the details?

 

Priceless.

 

On September 24th, 2011, La Jolla Mom said:

Funny! I mean not funny, but funny. You’ll get it done.

On September 24th, 2011, Trish said:

My husband has been known to make me feel inadequate in the housewife/mommy department. And he’s not really all that organized. He just has a much calmer way about him and it tends to all get done without so much fuss or stress. And? He’s super great with all 3 girls in public places. Alone. On his own. Something I avoid at all costs. I suppose my kids are lucky they’ve got us both.

Good luck with the time management and congrats on the work!

On September 24th, 2011, Laura said:

Sounds like we need to have another girls night, because I’m sure that will fit into all your chaos ;) For now, though, here’s a virtual hug.

On September 25th, 2011, Mel said:

LOVE it!!! Again, you crack me up! Let me know if I can do anything to help out! :) xo

On September 25th, 2011, julie gardner said:

OH MY GOD MATH DOES SUCK BUTT.

(I had to use the caps. Had to. Because it’s just. so. true.)

Good luck with your katrabillion projects. I love that number, by the way.

So much better than math.

On September 25th, 2011, Melanie said:

The Rock is good people. :D

On September 26th, 2011, Jen said:

This part?… “I worked all day yesterday while he sorted the laundry, picked the kids up from school, grocery shopped, and made a delightful dinner of meat and potatoes. He even did the dishes afterward”. I think my head exploded, and now I can only sit in a confused stupor going, “Buh..Buh…Buh, buh…Buh”?

On September 26th, 2011, Jen said:

Oh, and I would also like to say that the fact that you wrote a quite long post about how you don’t have time to do anything… funniest damn part!

On September 26th, 2011, Ferd said:

LOL’ing at this hilarious post, written in classic Deb style! :D

On the serious side though, I’ll suggest that it’s truly okay to say no whenever you want. You don’t ever even have to give explanations. Just “no” is okay. It will help free up some time for the things you really want to do. It will help rebalance. Just sayin’.

On September 27th, 2011, Jim said:

Story of my life… I always seem to over-commit! I’m working on learning to say no.

On September 28th, 2011, MomZombie said:

I recently said “no” to something big and possibly lucrative. What I did was write on a piece of paper ALL of the things I’ve said “yes” to in the last six months and then added all the stuff I do to keep home/family operating. It was a freakin’ long list. Alas, my wallet is empty but my brain is not an exploded heirloom tomato. Just say no. Your tomato, er, brain, will thank you.

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