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Kitchen Sink

The Sprint Navigator Experience

September 15th, 2011

{{Re-posting. BECAUSE OH MY GOD SPRINT THE PLANET MARS IS NOT PANERA}}

 

A few months ago, my husband and I canceled our seemingly lifelong Verizon Wireless membership and switched over to Sprint.

 

I know.

 

It’s just that we heard Sprint was much more affordable and had improved service. Over say, the really crappy service it offered before. Which is like saying Britney Spears can sing. Certain laws of the universe just don’t change.

 

As I’ve since discovered.

 

Let me start with the “Navigator” option:

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Navigating to 123 Mockingbird Lane. Please hold.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: OK. Drive 4.5 miles on Highway 5 and turn left.

 

ME: Left? Left where?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Turn left at the road.

 

ME: What road?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing bing!* We cannot get Sprint GPS signal in this area.

 

ME: What?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing!* You now have GPS signal.

 

ME: Oh good.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing bing!* We cannot get Sprint GPS signal in this area.

 

(I have now gone 4.49 miles)

ME: Oh for God’s sake.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing!* You now have GPS signal.

 

ME: So where do I go??

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Turn left at the road. The one with the tree.

 

ME: But there’s so many trees!

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: You missed the road with the tree. Please make the first legal u-turn.

 

ME: I’m on a highway!

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Please make the first legal u-turn.

 

ME: But then what?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing bing!* We cannot get Sprint GPS signal in this area.

 

ME: {{I’d insert conversation here, but insanity is silent}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing!* You now have GPS signal.

 

ME: {{I’m in Fresno}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: You did not make the first legal u-turn. Turn left here.

 

ME: Where’s here? Where, where, where, you stupid, idiotic, moth-

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing bing!* We cannot get Sprint GPS signal in this area.

 

ME: {{Desperately dialing Verizon to say I’m sorry. I’ll change. I can be the woman it wants me to be. Just please take me back.}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing!* You now have GPS signal.

 

ME: Forget it. I don’t want to go to 123 Mockingbird Lane anymore. Can you just tell me how to get home?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Take a left.

 

ME: But there’s a canyon there.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Take a left.

 

ME: Off the edge of the canyon?

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing bing!* We cannot get Sprint GPS signal in this area.

 

ME: {{About to Thelma-and-Louise it into the canyon}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: *Bing!* You now have GPS signal.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Please make your first legal u-turn.

 

ME: The first legal u-turn is a cliff.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Now take a left at the tree.

 

ME: Please stop talking.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Your destination is on the right.

 

ME: Destination? I see a desert shanty full of shifty-eyed inbred hill mutants.

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: You have reached your destination.

 

ME: {{Desperately dialing 911 as a broad-shouldered mutant advances picking roast baby out of his tooth and brandishing a weapon fashioned from femur bones}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: We’re sorry. 911 is not supported by the Sprint Network.

 

ME: I could really use some help here!

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Sprint’s navigation experts have determined that you are in a geographic area marked “Killer Hill People.”

 

ME: What do I do? What do I do?!

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR: Please make your first legal u-turn. Turn right at the road with the human head picket fence and then a quick left at the empty gas station with the light that flickers on and off ominously. Whatever you do, don’t t–

 

ME: Where? Don’t turn where?? {{stopping to get gas as a nice man in fur overalls fills my tank with unleaded}}

 

SPRINT NAVIGATOR:…alk to the man in fur overalls.

 

« « The Blackout    |    This is for You Writers » »

On October 21st, 2010, Jacquie said:

Ah, you made me laugh out loud, I needed that!

I can’t believe you have forsaken Verizon. For shame!

Glad I stumbled back upon your blog =)

Jacquie

On October 21st, 2010, foolery said:

I didn’t know there was a branch of my family living just off I-5. May need to get Sprint Navigator to take me to them. Thank you for your hearty endorsement. You = Christmas card list. ;)

On October 21st, 2010, green girl in wisconsin said:

I’m sticking with a paper map. You have me terrified!

On October 21st, 2010, Christina said:

ROFLMAO!!

I have my GPS on mute for this reason :-) I just create the map write down the exits from the text version, switch to map so that I can see it counting down the miles, but don’t have to hear a single instruction.

And really? SPRINT?!!!

On October 21st, 2010, Mama Mary said:

OMG, the anxiety this post caused me was thankfully combatted (sp?) by hysterical laughter. Totally cracking up.

On October 21st, 2010, Debbie said:

Foolery sent me and OMG I needed this laugh!

You. Are. Hilarious.

On October 21st, 2010, Michelle, Muffin Tin Mom said:

I am pretty sure I just peed my pants from laughing so hard. No, seriously.

I have Verizon. I have had them for the last 13 years. I mean before they were Verizon and were Airtouch Cellular and before those silly commercials where the people held up two fingers in the “V” sign. I have no plans to change for this very reason. Not even for the iPhone and all it’s glory.

On October 21st, 2010, Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said:

I’m giggling because I’ve seen your phone in action. Perhaps Verizon will take pity on you. :D

On October 21st, 2010, Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » The Sprint Navigator Experience -- Topsy.com said:

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Chelle Cazella, San Diego Momma. San Diego Momma said: No lie. Something sort of close to this actually happened: http://bit.ly/9RVx9T Except the mutant hill people were Fresnoians. [...]

On October 22nd, 2010, vodkamom said:

oh sweet jesus I am LAUGHING out loud.

hahahaha

On October 22nd, 2010, Cactus Petunia said:

Oh. My. God. You passed right by my house…like the new fence?

On October 23rd, 2010, Jen said:

Oh wow. I’ve so been there with our GPS. I wanted to throw the thing through the windshield!

On October 24th, 2010, Danielle said:

I am a Verizon fan! I dropped every other call with Sprint. And as far as GPS goes, I tolerate mine until it says ‘recalculating’. I often tell (well maybe scream…) it to shut up!

On October 24th, 2010, Morgan B. said:

This really made me laugh!

I can’t tell what is aging me faster: my children or my cell phone company?

It’s technology supposed to make our lives easier? *sigh*

On October 25th, 2010, theresa said:

I’m sitting here at a side walk cafe in Downtown Phoenix laugh my arse off. The homeless guy is even giving me a funny look. That is awesome!!!!

On October 26th, 2010, La Jolla Mom said:

That was f’ing funny. Like laughing on the outside kind of funny.

On October 26th, 2010, Sugar Jones said:

You are a genius. Now I have to go clean the snarf off of my keyboard.

On October 26th, 2010, Deb Rox said:

BWAH! “Recalculating.”

On October 26th, 2010, Suebob said:

This is EXACTLY accurate. I have Sprint GPS. It has failed every single time I have ever really needed it. The other trick is to say “turn left” just as I pass the left turn, or to say something completely garbled (our Spanish names give it fits) just ONCE, so I miss my turn because I am saying “what????”

On October 26th, 2010, Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » The Sprint Navigator Experience -- Topsy.com said:

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sugar Jones, La Jolla Mom. La Jolla Mom said: LMAO at @Sandiegomomma's sprint navigator musings. Seriously good read http://bit.ly/cF2Fa6 [...]

On September 17th, 2011, Jenn Sullivan said:

Maybe Sprint was the maker of my last GPS because the same things always happened to me. It’s funny now because my new GPS is much smarter and very rarely tells me to “make a U-turn when possible”. This is good because I would get really angry when it gave me instructions to make a turn when I was halfway past the street doing 40mph. Then I would yell at the dumb broad who obviously wasn’t paying attention to where I was (the GPS is the dumb broad by the way, not me so much) and she wouldn’t ever apologize and I just hated her so much. LOVED this conversation. Hilarious!

On September 19th, 2011, Optimistic Mom said:

OMG!! This is too funny! I have had some similar experiences with GPS. For long trips I still print out directions just in case we run into a no signal area. ;)

On September 19th, 2011, julie gardner said:

So you’re saying you don’t like Britney Spears’ singing?

I guess there’s just no pleasing some people.

(You know. The smart ones.)

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