August 30th, 2011
1. Shucking and jiving in the St. Mary’s school office, laughing with Don Caruso, the popular boy. Fart voluminously, wetly, and lingeringly; endure complete silence.
2. Frolicking at an Indigo Girls concert, mistake friendly lesbian’s threat of “I’m going to kiss you” for “let’s be platonic pals.” Go in for a peck on the cheek, receive full frontal tongue assault.
3. Enjoying third fully loaded hamburger post-second-pregnancy at a beach party, spot single friend with amazing muscular non-fat body; a little-too-passive-jokey-aggressively say, “You think you’re so pretty.”
4. Conversing at a social media happy hour, enjoying talk with a nice man in a wheelchair, ask “What happened to your legs?”
5. Making merry at a New Year’s Eve party, tip glass toward angry silent man, spend the next hour toasting he and his wife with couples counseling advice bastardized from Dr. Phil, and assorted bad poetry such as “Compromise is like Marriage Sunshine.”