Five Social Faux Pas of Yore

1. Shucking and jiving in the St. Mary’s school office, laughing with Don Caruso, the popular boy. Fart voluminously, wetly, and lingeringly; endure complete silence.


2. Frolicking at an Indigo Girls concert, mistake friendly lesbian’s threat of “I’m going to kiss you” for “let’s be platonic pals.” Go in for a peck on the cheek, receive full frontal tongue assault.


3. Enjoying third fully loaded hamburger post-second-pregnancy at a beach party, spot single friend with amazing muscular non-fat body; a little-too-passive-jokey-aggressively say, “You think you’re so pretty.”


4. Conversing at a social media happy hour, enjoying talk with a nice man in a wheelchair, ask “What happened to your legs?”


5. Making merry at a New Year’s Eve party, tip glass toward angry silent man, spend the next hour toasting he and his wife with couples counseling advice bastardized from Dr. Phil, and assorted bad poetry such as “Compromise is like Marriage Sunshine.”


7 Responses to “Five Social Faux Pas of Yore”

  1. SurferWife says:

    I have no idea what the hell my eyes just feasted on here but I sure liked it. Liked it a lot. Especially about the full frontal tongue assault.

  2. Jessica says:

    done it all except part where the farting was done at St. Mary’s. I believe I was stand in the Beth -El Synagogue.

    and nice use of “yore’ by the way

  3. Trish says:

    We cannot be held accountable for any actions, words or deeds done in throes of pregnancy hormones. Either during or after said pregnancy. It’s the law. Or it should be.

  4. Think maybe you should have farted during the New Year’s Eve party instead. Maybe you can start doing that to get out of socially awkward situations? Could work.

  5. Jen says:

    I was remembering one of my most awkward/embarrassing situations before… ugh. I think only me, but hey, we all have our moments!

  6. Deb, you make me feel so normal. Thank you.

  7. I once farted loudly while making out with a guy I thought was really hot.

    He completely ignored it.

    So I married him.

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