San Diego Momma. A San Diego Mom Blogger.

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I'm a mom, wife, writer and soul searcher who colors life with words.

 

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Kitchen Sink

A Thousand Little Pieces

August 21st, 2011

You may have noticed the rash of re-posts lately, which I’m using to fill blog gaps while I do the million things I’m doing. I’ve tried to resist the feeling that I must publish something…worthy. A story, an anecdote, a vlog even. Because you know, that’s what you’re supposed to do to keep your blog fresh. And man, that ambitious sentiment is paralyzing.

 

So I’ve been frozen since BlogHer. So many “shoulds” and “need tos” and “strategies.”

 

Instead of me. Unobscured by the minutiae of “must.”

 

Because at BlogHer, surrounded by all the…energy…I withdrew a bit into myself. And it felt right, it really did. There’s so much forced trying to be something, or anything, that I rather enjoyed the me I am. Devoid of ego. And the needing of people to make me believe I’m somehow more worthy than I am. You know, right now, just this. And so I sat along walls, and on chairs, and at stopping points, quiet and OK. Still it stirred: Must I raise my voice to be noticed? Must I dance or drink or talk or showcase? The answer always was no, but it left me in a crossroad, and not entirely sure what to do next because I still…was processing. So I just moved along, letting it be.

 

I’m writing this now because I must write. Bust through the I need to tell a story, and just present what’s going on as it is, in my voice. And let it be enough.

 

Because I’m very much not going to let myself be ruled by the need to be someone other than I am.

 

I’ve seen too much of that lately.

 

So melodrama aside, a maudlin introspection I’ve raised to a high art form, here’s what’s happening:

 

First, I’ve been busy, Lord criminy. I lost a big editing contract because the company I freelanced for was sold to another conglomerate, an operation that doesn’t so much outsource editing, and the shake-up led me to other projects. Still some editing, along with writing, and blogging, and consulting. A lot of little jobs I enjoy, but which take a lot of time. Plus you know, the kids are home for the summer. Which is a nice little recipe for crazy head. I’m writing a lot right now, mostly for business, and so my words have been reserved to what brings in some money, which isn’t always the same as what feeds the soul.

 

BUT: I’ve also partnered with a good friend in a new venture that IS soul-feeding, but encompassing too, and that’s taken a lot of mind time and creativity juice. In the midst of this and in the between, I’ve aimed to finish my manuscript. The one I’ve aimed to finish, always.

 

I can’t wait to show up here and say it’s done.

 

THAT would be especially good for the soul.

 

I suppose all this is to say that I’m shedding certain ideas about myself and forging ahead to embrace new…perceptions. I’m making things happen, even if it’s quietly.

 

And after BlogHer and the ambition-seeking and the forward-looking and the re-purposing and the over-evaluating, I return once again to let myself not be ruled by the need to be someone other than I am.

 

Sometimes we live years in hours, trying to reclaim that certainty. Sometimes we never claim it.

 

I chose the former.

 

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On August 21st, 2011, Mama Mary said:

I am still not recovered from the mental and physical stimulation of BlogHer. So overwhelming, but in a good way.

On August 22nd, 2011, Chrisy said:

It will be done. Visualize the manuscript complete, the words finding you when you have moments to write. You’re so close… Have you read this? http://backspacewriters.blogspot.com/2011/08/are-you-10000-words-day-writer.html Maybe when the kids return to school, you can crank it out! And this post? Is much more than *enough*. XO

On August 23rd, 2011, Kizz said:

Only having gone to Blogher twice I still feel I can say that I think it shakes us all up. It’s days of filling up on all the things we must do to make all our dreams come true and then you get home and realize it’s not going to happen all at once and all those things are hard and, you know, there’s still life to contend with. Having it be in your home town with your regular life is hard, too. Don’t discount that.

Good that you’re coming back to writing. xo

On August 23rd, 2011, Ginger said:

I feel you sister. Be you, write you, and make YOU happy.

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