{{I’m telling this again. Because it’s come to my attention that I really need to start saying “no” more often. And this has nothing to do with the Kirby vacuum guy I allowed to stay in my home for 83 hours.}}
I’m the person who believes almost anything. If you tell me a ridiculous story you completely pulled out of your ass? I will ask with eyes wide open, “Really?”
Like:
Any Person: “Hey Deb! I have monkeys in my butt!”
Me: “Really?”
Another Person: “Deb! Want to borrow my invisibility cloak?”
Me: “Ooooo. Really?”
Or
Yet Another Person: “You should be a model.”
Me: “Wow!” {{thinks for a moment, then:}} Really?”
So it comes as no surprise that I am often the target of ne’er-do-wells. Whereas The Rock will answer telemarketer inquiries with “No thank you,” and then hang up, I say, “Tell me more!” and then hang up. In the year 2013.
All this came to a head this week in two separate incidents that got me thinking:
Maybe I need to toughen up a little.
See, earlier this week the doorbell rang. I answered to find a young 20-something man holding a packet of leaflets. Well give me a Mormon boy in a tie and on a bike and I am jelly. I will listen to those guys for days because they’re just so sweet and earnest. I feel horrible sending them away when they’re only doing God’s errand.
Thankfully though, this guy wasn’t a Mormon.
He was in pest control.
And this is what he says:
“Hi! I’m just doing a neighborhood survey. Have you noticed any bugs inside or outside your house?”
Well I know where this is leading and THIS time I’m going to be smart about it.
No, I say.
“Oh?” He says back. “Because your next-door neighbor has been seeing black widows outside. And….” he pauses ominously. “Inside.”
My resolve weakens and I blurt out, “Really?”
“Yes.” He says confidently. “And your neighbor across the street noticed holes in his garage suggesting rodents.”
Now I’m quivering. “Rodents? Like. Ro-dents? Those big ass rat things they show scurrying over subway tracks on Law and Order episodes?”
He nods. “Uh-huh. The very same.”
He’s got me. Hook, line and mousetrap. “So you’re saying…there might be black widows and rodents in my house?” I am literally shaking like a Polaroid picture. “Right now?”
He knows I’m his. “Right now. And here’s where I can hel—–”
The Rock is upstairs in the office. He knows what’s about to go down. He clunks and clatters to make his presence known. He’s about to fly down the stairs and give me a talking-to, I just know it. I hurriedly shut the door in the Mormon pest controller’s face. “Thanks but no thanks!”
Gullibility crisis averted. Until…
Well I’ll have to tell you about the mall kiosk guy in a bit. Honestly? I’m pretty sure THIS is scurrying around in my garage disguised as a Mormon.
P.S. Seriously. There’s a mall kiosk guy story. And I’m coming back to tell it.
I’m sorry, but this is freaking hysterical.
Maybe our line of Scared Butt candles can be rodent repellent.
Ok, so that you don’t keep thinking there are scary things everywhere keep in mind that black widows don’t like being inside and they make huge messy webs so you would know if there was one or more inside. Second. With the rodents… Don’t sweat it unless you hear weird noises or see things with little chew holes. A lot of companies try those scare tactis out here, our company doesn’t because it’s F*ed up.