Moving On

I thought maybe we could know each other. As if perhaps I understood you on some level you didn’t see yourself. I knew your history, your reputation, shall we say; your penchant for sardonic wit and condescending elitism, but still, I passed it off as socially awkward, insecurity, deep sadness.


I stood up for you, encouraged others to look inside your heart, consider we’re all one blood, there’s salt in your tears as in mine; that you didn’t mean it — you just didn’t know better.


In my way, I tried. I’d just be there in case you wanted to talk, I asked about you, tried to peer deep within, know you’d bleed if cut, even though your indifference burned.


One day I saw you pick up your child and lovingly hold her as you cooed in her ear. There! I thought. There it is! This is where we can be alike. This is where we meet in the middle. This is where we know each other.


That was all. Just that one moment. And only I acknowledged it, you could care less whether I were there or not.


And so that’s how it was. I came to see it didn’t matter how much I tried to know you, how much I aimed to understand. But the difference was, you did know me, you did see me, the way I conducted myself, my blood and tears. You knew. You knew.


All it took was one thing; just one. Your mind eclipsed any knowledge of my good, made its decision, shut me out.


There was no inclination to peer deep inside, to consider the more to me than that one thing.


And that’s where we’re the most different of all.


So I never knew you.


12 Responses to “Moving On”

  1. Wow. Ouch.

    That is really, really sad. I am sorry for your hurt.

  2. foolery says:

    Oh, how I wish this person would read this. Somehow I doubt he/she will. Nor would he/she internalize it, based on your description. But wow, Deb, you paint such a vivid picture. This was stark — loved it.

  3. vodkamom says:

    i think we know. We know whose hearts are pure, and whose are not.

    Your heart is pure. Of this I am sure.


  4. Wow…that was beautiful…and so sad. Hope she didn’t hurt you too terribly!

  5. Have you been hanging out in The OC again?
    : )

  6. Rima says:

    You are wise, Deb. And you have a wonderful way with words.

  7. Surferwife says:

    Well. Haven’t you peaked my curiosity. Not hard, as I am a nosy little son of a gun.

    Love your writing.

  8. Jack says:

    Sometimes we are cut the deepest by those who should hold us closest.

  9. flutter says:

    you are so worth knowing. really knowing

  10. tinsenpup says:

    I wish we lived in the same place.

  11. Ooh, I totally felt this way before. Well described.

  12. Ferd says:

    That’s a tough lesson to learn, that what one person wants is not necessarily what another wants. It’s impossible to force a relationship. A good relationship requires both parties to contribute significant energy for the spiritual growth of the other. It sounds like you were hurt by the events you mentioned. But it just wasn’t meant to be. It was merely a step along the way to get you where you are today, in a loving relationship, creating a beautiful family, and writing crazy good blog posts! :-)

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