Your Guide to Giving Up Wine

Let’s say you haven’t had your nightly glass of wine for five evenings in a row. And let’s say your insides look a little like this:












And then let’s go so far as to add that you’re melodramatic, self-pitying, and histrionic. What do you do?


Allow me:


1. Watch a lot of funny TV. Laugh prodigiously. Laugh so much that you start to hysterically cry mid-giggle. When your husband asks what the hell just happened, blubber “You don’t get me!”


2. Initiate divorce proceedings. Your husband never understood why you had to buy a new pair of shoes for every outfit and you’re just damn sick of it.


3. Wonder why Carole King and James Taylor never got married. They would have made such beautiful music together.


4. Consider that Carole King and James Taylor DID get married and you were too drunk to notice.


5. With a cup of piquant Alka Seltzer, toast Carole King and James Taylor’s fictional and unsubstantiated wedding where for sure he sang her an acoustic version of “Handy Man.”


6. Continue divorce proceedings. Your husband never imaginary sang you “Handy Man.”


7. Can’t he just hang a picture without me having to ask 10 times????


8. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.




10. Did Michael Bolton ever marry Nicolette Sheridan? Her face looks weird.


14 Responses to “Your Guide to Giving Up Wine”

  1. Laurie Ann says:

    I heart you. And the answer to #9 is probably YOU!

  2. Skip #9 before the Halloween candy hides you, take it from me.

    Also, keep The Rock. I like how the two of you look on each other. I’ll hang the pictures, I’ve had a lot of practice.

    ILY. AAL.

  3. Kendra says:

    May I add a few? I’ve had a lot of practice! And if you can’t find the candy, buy more. You must HAVE CANDY.

  4. I usually skip straight to #9.

  5. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by San Diego Momma, Mary Burt-Godwin. Mary Burt-Godwin said: This will ring true for a lot of people. RT @sandiegomomma: Wagon Stories, or "Your Guide to Giving Up Wine:" […]

  6. The Zadge says:

    You have lasted 4 days longer than I did when I tried to give up my nightly cocktail last week. Now I just admit that I have a drinking problem and raise my drink to it!

  7. flutter says:

    I have 9 tattooed on my left butt cheek.

  8. Whew, I’m not the only one who has had fantasies of having my husband sing James Taylor songs to me…or thoughts of JT and Carole hookin’ up.

    You know, I was wondering if my histrionics were hormonal. Now I’m leaning more to alcohol withdrawal!

  9. If you can’t have wine, then finding the Halloween candy is of the utmost importance. A lot of chocolate could definitely help smooth out the sharp edges. (Although there is no known cure for Michael Bolton.)
    Hang in there, and make sure you’re wearing a life jacket, ’cause we’re all in the same boat!

  10. Ellie says:

    This is genius, my friend.

    I love them all, but especially #1.

    And the Michael Bolton picture will have me giggling for a long time.


  11. Trish says:

    For Christ’s sake have a glass of wine tonight! And perhaps a xanax too. Why suffer needlessly. And you husband? Keep him. Men are idiots, but the key is to find the one who is right for you. And I think you did.

  12. vodkamom says:

    oh sweet jesus.

    file the papers and be done with it.


  13. Ferd says:

    For the love of God! Doesn’t anyone recognize a cry for help when they hear/see one!?!
    Get Deb a glass of wine! NOW!
    Deb, it’s going to be alright!

  14. MissM says:

    I vote to keep the husband too. He babysat my kid!! And seemed to HAVE FUN! And good job ditching the vino!

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