November 5th, 2010
Let’s say you haven’t had your nightly glass of wine for five evenings in a row. And let’s say your insides look a little like this:
And then let’s go so far as to add that you’re melodramatic, self-pitying, and histrionic. What do you do?
1. Watch a lot of funny TV. Laugh prodigiously. Laugh so much that you start to hysterically cry mid-giggle. When your husband asks what the hell just happened, blubber “You don’t get me!”
2. Initiate divorce proceedings. Your husband never understood why you had to buy a new pair of shoes for every outfit and you’re just damn sick of it.
3. Wonder why Carole King and James Taylor never got married. They would have made such beautiful music together.
4. Consider that Carole King and James Taylor DID get married and you were too drunk to notice.
5. With a cup of piquant Alka Seltzer, toast Carole King and James Taylor’s fictional and unsubstantiated wedding where for sure he sang her an acoustic version of “Handy Man.”
6. Continue divorce proceedings. Your husband never imaginary sang you “Handy Man.”
7. Can’t he just hang a picture without me having to ask 10 times????
8. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
9. WHO HID THE HALLOWEEN CANDY?
10. Did Michael Bolton ever marry Nicolette Sheridan? Her face looks weird.