August 2nd, 2010
Last week I wanted to send a Facebook message to a friend of mine and when I discovered he was no longer on my “Friends” list, I inadvertently realized he had unfriended me. In other words, I discovered the hard way that he probably doesn’t like me anymore. So…right. And owie. I’m way too insecure for that crap.
Since he lives in my neighborhood, I’ve fought the urge to march to his house, knock on the door, and burst into tears while barely mouthing the words, “Why? Why? For the love of God and little babies, WHY?” I also want to leave him a voice mail message. Something to the effect of, “What did I do? Can I bring you some bagels? Coffee? A puppy? What will make it all better? Tell me and I’ll do it. K. Call me back!”
Really, I have to tell you, I’m agonizing over this unfriending business. I don’t care in the least if I don’t know you and you take off, but if I DO know you and vice versa? That hurts.
So here I am analyzing every little thing. I suppose he discovered my blog…and perhaps I wrote something untoward or unethical or unseemly that upset him? I’ve combed through past posts and while I seem off my nut, I’m a harmless loonbag, Also, I don’t write about anything I wouldn’t say in person, so…
WHAT IS IT! WHY? WHY? WHY?
I think there should be a symposium for people who’ve unfriended other people. That way, the unfriender can tell the unfriendee the reasons why they’ve been abandoned. It could be like a congressional hearing or a United Nations conference. All the unfriended can sit up on a stage and the unfrienders are in the audience having to answer pointed questions, like “Was it my hair?” “Did we sleep together in the past and now you feel uncomfortable about it?” “Will a puppy make you like me again?” Stuff like that. It’ll be like a roast but not as funny.
Cross examination would be acceptable as well. So I suppose this Unfriending Symposium is really more like a court case. But the state wouldn’t have to pay for it. Instead, Facebook would take up a collection from the unfriended to fund the symposium-roast-court case-congressional panel. And there would be bibles naturally. For the swearing upon. Because the unfriended need to know they’re being told the truth even if it is something as vague as “I don’t know why I unfriended you. You’re just annoying that’s all.”
And here’s where the cross examination comes in. It’d go like this in my head:
ME: “Am I mildly annoying or fuck-all annoying?”
HE: “Somewhere in the middle.”
ME: “Was there an annoying incident that made me annoying or is it a general annoyance with my person?”
ME: “OK. Let’s see if we can’t get more specific. Was it my hair?”
I really think I’m onto something here. I’m right now going to make a “button” for the Facebook people to raise money for this important endeavor. It’ll be a picture of Abraham Lincoln with the caption: “Tell Annoying People You’ve Unfriended The Truth!”
UPDATED! I had another idea for the Facebook Truth Symposium Donation badge. It could have George Washington cutting down a cherry tree and the tree is about to fall on an “Insert Unfriended Person’s Face Here” stick figure. OR! George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are sitting in the congressional panel audience with thought bubbles saying “You’re so annoying” and “At least I don’t powder my hair.”
I want something presidential because this is important shizz.