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Kitchen Sink

Why Did You Unfriend Me?

August 2nd, 2010

Last week I wanted to send a Facebook message to a friend of mine and when I discovered he was no longer on my “Friends” list, I inadvertently realized he had unfriended me. In other words, I discovered the hard way that he probably doesn’t like me anymore. So…right. And owie. I’m way too insecure for that crap.

 

Since he lives in my neighborhood, I’ve fought the urge to march to his house, knock on the door, and burst into tears while barely mouthing the words, “Why? Why? For the love of God and little babies, WHY?” I also want to leave him a voice mail message. Something to the effect of, “What did I do? Can I bring you some bagels? Coffee? A puppy? What will make it all better? Tell me and I’ll do it. K. Call me back!”

 

Really, I have to tell you, I’m agonizing over this unfriending business. I don’t care in the least if I don’t know you and you take off, but if I DO know you and vice versa? That hurts.

 

So here I am analyzing every little thing. I suppose he discovered my blog…and perhaps I wrote something untoward or unethical or unseemly that upset him? I’ve combed through past posts and while I seem off my nut, I’m a harmless loonbag, Also, I don’t write about anything I wouldn’t say in person, so…

 

WHAT IS IT! WHY? WHY? WHY?

 

I think there should be a symposium for people who’ve unfriended other people. That way, the unfriender can tell the unfriendee the reasons why they’ve been abandoned. It could be like a congressional hearing or a United Nations conference. All the unfriended can sit up on a stage and the unfrienders are in the audience having to answer pointed questions, like “Was it my hair?” “Did we sleep together in the past and now you feel uncomfortable about it?” “Will a puppy make you like me again?” Stuff like that. It’ll be like a roast but not as funny.

 

Cross examination would be acceptable as well. So I suppose this Unfriending Symposium is really more like a court case. But the state wouldn’t have to pay for it. Instead, Facebook would take up a collection from the unfriended to fund the symposium-roast-court case-congressional panel. And there would be bibles naturally. For the swearing upon. Because the unfriended need to know they’re being told the truth even if it is something as vague as “I don’t know why I unfriended you. You’re just annoying that’s all.”

 

And here’s where the cross examination comes in. It’d go like this in my head:

 

ME: “Am I mildly annoying or fuck-all annoying?”

HE: “Somewhere in the middle.”

ME: “Was there an annoying incident that made me annoying or is it a general annoyance with my person?”

HE: “General.”

ME: “OK. Let’s see if we can’t get more specific. Was it my hair?”

 

I really think I’m onto something here. I’m right now going to make a “button” for the Facebook people to raise money for this important endeavor. It’ll be a picture of Abraham Lincoln with the caption: “Tell Annoying People You’ve Unfriended The Truth!”

 

Or something.

 

UPDATED! I had another idea for the Facebook Truth Symposium Donation badge. It could have George Washington cutting down a cherry tree and the tree is about to fall on an “Insert Unfriended Person’s Face Here” stick figure. OR! George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are sitting in the congressional panel audience with thought bubbles saying “You’re so annoying” and “At least I don’t powder my hair.”

 

I want something presidential because this is important shizz.

 

« « Big Sigh    |    Thoughts on This Weekend *UPDATED » »

On August 2nd, 2010, Jennifer said:

My ego can’t take a bruising like that, either. I’m willing to serve on that Symposium, in any capacity. Like the maybe on the Waterboarding Commission.

On August 2nd, 2010, natalie said:

Make things more awkward. Friend him and send a message with it that says “I can’t believe we’re not friends neighbor!”

I recently found out that I was no longer FB friends with a bunch of my college pals. I sent them a message and they said they didn’t know either… they accepted and have since written on my wall — so hopefully it is just that!!

On August 2nd, 2010, JenniferfromLaJolla said:

I lost two FB “friends” last week and can’t figure out who! And don’t think I’d didn’t go through my list trying to figure it out, ’cause I did–multiple times. Think I’ll go try again right now…

On August 2nd, 2010, Chelle said:

I smell a reality show in the making. Possibly hosted by Maury. I’m calling the networks!

On August 2nd, 2010, Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » Why Did You Unfriend Me? -- Topsy.com said:

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Chelle Cazella, San Diego Momma. San Diego Momma said: Why did you unfriend me?????? http://bit.ly/adEffc […]

On August 2nd, 2010, HipMamaB said:

I never de-friend anyone unless I really don’t want them seeing my things… I just hide the annoying people that post motivational slogans and farmville updates.

On August 2nd, 2010, De said:

here’s a dumb question…is he still on FB? Sometimes I deactivate my account.

On August 2nd, 2010, NotYourFriend said:

Perhaps the former “friend” realized what an increasing number of people are realizing.

FB is a huge waste of time if you “friend” everyone you ever meet. Maybe like me, he realized that he’d rather spend time with his kids than keeping up with “friends” he knows only casually.

Don’t get me started on Twitter. I can’t think of a single living soul about whose every digestive anomaly I’d like to hear.
You’re a great person, but I don’t care what you had for lunch.

On August 2nd, 2010, Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

I’m going to lurk right here in your comments to see if anyone says anything about me. I mean about this. Heh.

On August 2nd, 2010, foolery said:

I’m really into tortured acronyms, so I made you one:

Facebook Abandonment Rectification Truth Symposium

No charge. I’ll bring crackers.

On August 2nd, 2010, kate said:

I was mean to someone in high school and he recently popped up as a friend suggestion. I wanted to friend him so that he could deny my friend request to get me back for being a mean girl. Instead, I sent him a FB message apologizing for my mean girl behavior. He was pretty nice about it.

I’m going to go unfriend you now. Because I want you to give me a puppy. A puppy would definitely get me to refriend someone.

On August 2nd, 2010, michelle said:

hello kindred spirit.

i’m agonizing over this very issue today.

i’m too neurotic and too sensitive of a soul for facebook.

my HIGHSCHOOL BFF unfriended me today. i noticed right away, because i’m crazy like that.

is it because i ignored the farmville requests? is it because i didn’t LIKE her quiz results? WHYWHYWHY. i’ve known that girl since i was 11. she lives far away now. the only way we stayed in touch was…facebook.

iHATEyoufacebook.

*logs on to compulsively check number of friends*

On August 2nd, 2010, The Frugal Hostess said:

Dude, why did you write this post before me? IT HURTS MY FEELINGS SO BADDDDD(ly) when people unfriend me, even ones I hate. I mean, WTF, fools? FB is where old relationships go to, uh, get over themselves, and how can I appear to be much cooler than I was in high school if my friend count drops below 700? I’m serious; it totally hurts my feelings, and I have a running list of people who have unfriended me that I ruminate over when my other insecurities are temporarily tamped down. Just hide my f-bomb-dropping, left-wing-loving, totally inappropriate ass, you turkeys!

On August 2nd, 2010, Jenn @ Juggling Life said:

I don’t un-friend–I just “hide” that person. There’s no way I could deal with being the unfriender–unless I told someone I was unfriending them–and I have done that.

On August 2nd, 2010, Jeanne Koesters said:

OMG – I just read this (via Chelle Cazella – thanks Chell!) Hysterical! I kind of went though something similar, except FB BANNED my fan pages about a month ago. I JUST received an email back from them stating: “Your account will remain disabled while your case is pending. Unfortunately, we do not have a specific date…” I replied you will let the “Bambi Killer” have a page but you ban positive fan pages? Thanks, but no thanks.”

I took me all of 10 days to get over my FB “fixation.” LOL.

On August 2nd, 2010, Mich said:

I unfriended a cousin last week because he’s a creepy, racist, sexual predator. I’m not saying YOU are and that’s why you’ve been unfriended..KIDDING! But, I do know some people who just got sick of facebook and left it altogether and so they up and disappeared. It had not one iota to do with me.

On August 2nd, 2010, diamond dave said:

If I don’t know the person I have no qualms about unfriending them (and why would I friend someone I don’t know? I used to for FB games like Mafia Wars but I got out of that a while back), but if I do I just hide them. More importantly, I make sure they can’t chat with me, because there’s nothing more annoying than having to chat with someone you really don’t want to or know very well.

On August 2nd, 2010, Mama Mary said:

I totally got unfriended by someone and so I am totally in on your cross examination program endeavor. Though I’m horrible at confrontation. I feel ya on this, SSF.

On August 2nd, 2010, foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) said:

I sometimes go on a particular friend’s FB page, click on their friends list, then search for myself to find out if she’s deleted me or not. So far, not yet, but seriously, if she ever were to find out, KABLAM! off that list, I’m sure! Heh…

Now I see all these “Find out who’s looking at your profile!’ links on other friends’ FB pages, and that’s opened up an entirely different can of paranoid. Good God, can you imagine the wreck I’d be if above said friend added THAT feature to her page? Gah!

On August 2nd, 2010, becky said:

Dude. My BROTHER went off of my friends list & he didn’t even tell me. Turns out he deleted his account because it was a time-suck.

I did have a friend from high school drop off my list. I screwed up my courage to ask her about it & it turns out that she didn’t even do it. I just disappeared from her list. And same thing happened with another good friend. We re-friended each other & it’s all good now. (I was afraid she was mad because I totally didn’t get a chance to read her first draft of a novel she’s been working on.)

Anyway, sometimes glitches happen. It’s not always intentional. And girl, I am the queen of taking things personally. Trying hard not to, though. It’s tough!

If any of you local ladies unfriend me, I am totally sending you a message asking, “why? whyyyyyyyyy?” and then whining about it on twitter. [Huh, does that make it better or worse?]

On August 3rd, 2010, jenny ford said:

so flippin funny! i was just unfriended recently too. i have to wonder if maybe she was raptured? what the heck does that say about me then? I’m not going to be raptured too? crap! i need to step it up a notch.

and then there’s the issue of twitter qwitter. is it something i said in a 160 characters that made them go away? but i am secretly happy when i find out i wasn’t following them anyway – so there! i twitter qwitted them FIRST!

On August 3rd, 2010, Melanie Vasseur said:

hahha, this post is too funny. The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago when I discovered an old friend i wanted to reconnect with was no longer my “friend” OUCH is right….

On August 3rd, 2010, Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

I sent you an email about this, as you know. And then Kate told me that she left a comment trying to get a puppy, and since I sent you such a nice email I was afraid you might give me a puppy too. I would rather poke both of my eyes out with a big stick than potty train a puppy. So I want you to give Kate my puppy.
Now that I’m here (again) I see that Anonymous has apparently changed names. Anonymous is now NotYourFriend. NotYourFriend says that he/she doesn’t care about casual friendships, you know the ones that sometimes develop into deep and meaningful friendships, ones like ours. :-D NotYourFriend thinks that Facebook and Twitter friendships happen to the detriment of your children, not knowing what a great mother those of us who’ve seen you in action know you to be. Also, NotYourFriend doesn’t realize that interests and relationships outside of your family enrich, stimulate, empower, and refresh you, making you a better wife and mother at home. NotYourFriend doesn’t want to know what you had for lunch. I totally want to know what you had for lunch. Was it delicious? Did it involve M&Ms? Please post a photo soon.
And? Hiding a person on Facebook rather than openly and honestly removing them from your list is about the most disingenuous thing I’ve ever heard. I would openly and honestly remove someone who would do that sort of thing from my Facebook friends list, and I have. (In fact, my “rule” for Facebook is simple. If you’re on my Facebook list, you’re someone I know and enjoy hanging out with, whether I know you and enjoy hanging out with you in real life or online.) Anyway, if I remove someone from my list, I may or may not feel it necessary to say why. I recently removed someone because I found his sociopolitical messages offensive to my senses, and didn’t want my friends or family exposed to them on my Facebook feed. Because we’re related, I emailed and told him why I removed him, and he emailed back an “LOL” and said that he thought that was best since he’s pretty far out there politically and not everyone’s cup of tea. Anyway, sometimes, maybe even often, there is no good purpose served by confrontation, even if the reasons may be the truth. Moreover, I think most women prefer collaboration over confrontation anyway, although sometimes confrontation is necessary. For me, the inquiry is whether speaking out or letting go serves the greater good in a given situation, even if (really, assuming that) it is the truth that is spoken. Being right isn’t always good, but doing good is always right.
ILY. AAL.

On August 3rd, 2010, Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

Geez, sorry about the essay. I should have sent you another email. :-)

On August 3rd, 2010, kate said:

So I get Cheri’s puppy right?

On August 3rd, 2010, San Diego Momma said:

Puppies for all!

More later.
I’m having an anxiety attack.

On August 4th, 2010, Chelle said:

Ooooh! Puppies!!! I love puppies. My cat does not love puppies. My cat loves whatever is in the garbage that he think he can get into at 3 am and wake everyone up. I’m thinking I need a puppy to keep my cat in check.
And… 700 friends? I’ve been on fb for 2 years or so and have almost 400. Can I have some of yours? Because I’m feeling rather inadequate right about now.
I think I’m gonna need 2 puppies just to assuage my sadness…

On August 4th, 2010, SweetJeanette said:

bwahaahaaa….. I know what ya mean. I found out a couple months ago I was “un-friended” but I looked (she never made her page un-public) and she un-friended a friend of mine too so I felt better. What’s that about misery loves company???

Thanks for the laugh!

On August 6th, 2010, April said:

Great post! Two weeks ago I was defriended by the wife of my best friend on the eve of the first anniversary of his death. I thought that was an especially nice touch.

On August 6th, 2010, Shana said:

I was unfriended by two people, and turns out both had actually not unfriended me and had closed their FB accounts. Which, holy hell, could I not have learned that BEFORE THE FUCKING ANGST? Sheesh.

On August 12th, 2010, Cristina said:

My first time to your blog and you had me in stitches with this post. Thank you for making me laugh so hard. It is a hurtful thing the whole “unfriending” biz on FB, especially when you just can’t piece it together why it was done. I have to admit, though, that it has come in handy. Thanks again for the laughs.

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