Mars and Venus Visit The Planet Verizon, Redux

I originally posted this two years ago. And now our Verizon contract is up. Which means it’s time for new phones. Which means I am going to spend 18 days in a wireless store with my husband. Please send a straitjacket.


(I dial my husband’s cell phone, after a few rings, The Rock picks up)


Me: Hello? Honey? What are you doing?


Him: Hi babe, I’m at Verizon. You want to sign up for this family share plan or what?


Me: Sure, OK. Can I meet you there?


Him: Yeah, but hurry. I’ve been here for a half hour already.


Me: Doing what?


Him: Looking at the phones.


Me: This whole time?


Him: It’s been a half hour! What whole time?


Me: I’ll see you there.


(I hang up)


(10 minutes later, I enter Verizon. The Rock swoops over and seats me on a bench. He whips out the Verizon 85-page brochure with its dog-eared pages and begins to cover the pros and cons of every plan.)


Me: (shaking chicken bones, newt’s eyes and dragon’s teeth in palm of hand, then throwing them randomly at the catalog until one sticks)

This one looks good. Let’s do this one.


Him: (gasping) THAT one? The one with the VCast?


Me: Yeah, I don’t know. I guess. VCast. Sounds good. Let’s do it. (getting up…)


Him: Wait! (pulling me back down) Did you see the Navigator option?


Me: Nope! But sounds good! Let’s lock it down!


Him: (slightly panicking) Do you even CARE if we get unlimited texting?


Me: Not really. You ready?


Him: But if we go with the Premium package, we get {blah, blah, blar blar diddly blar}! And if we went with your standard plan, we’d only get {blither blather blither blather}!


Me: Mmm. I see your point. Let’s do that.




Me: The blither blather thing you said.


Him: But that one doesn’t have 3MB of {bippity boppity bippity blah}!


Me: Do we need 3MB of bippity boppity bippity blah?


Him: No! But 3MB! That’s a lot! In case we do need it.


Me: Are you or are you not the man who still has all the manuals for your 1991 Tandy computer because they might come in handy one day?


Him: {sheepishly} I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Me: Honey, we don’t need 3MB of bippity boppity. {closing eyes and pointing} Let’s just go with this plan here.


Him: {sighing} Fine. But now we need to pick our phones.


Me: Oh crap. OK, but let’s make this fast.


Him: These are our phones we’re talking about here! Our lifelines! Our links to the world — and to EACH OTHER. What do you mean — make it fast?


{spend the next hour touching, testing and holding dozens of phones. The Rock examines each one for optimum fingerpad circumference, LCD brightness and tonal clarity. I follow him around and point out the shiny ones.}


Me: {whining} Are we done yet? I’m real hungry and my knees are burned.


Him: What? Are you talking about?


Me: {babbling} I had my laptop on my knees, see. And I’m suffering from most probably severe radiation burns…


Him: {interrupting} Radiation burns! Right. Are these phones coated with an anti-radiation titanium shell? I’ll need to consult each one’s owner manual.


Me: Honey? Can we just get a phone and a plan and go?


Him: Babe! I’m doing this for us! The proper phone will save us time and money! And…{he says, reading from the manual} …port to any 3G network!


Me: What’s a 3G network?


Him: 3? G? A network? It ports there? Hello?


Me: You don’t know, do you?


Him: No. But can we get it?


Me: Sure, let’s get it and GO!


Him: OK. In a minute. I’ve just got to pick out my Bluetooth earpiece, keyboard cover, screen shield, phone case and vehicle charger.


Me: {slowly being eaten alive by radiation sickness as my stomach lining sloughs off from lack of nourishment} Are you kidding me?


Him: OK. Now do I want the blue, green, silver, black, white, red, or gray earpiece…? Or the plaid? And don’t EVEN get me started on those anti-glare keyboard covers…And of course I’ll need to see the schematics for all this equipment…


And that’s when I fled the store on my irradiated kneecaps.


p.s. The Rock’s due diligence yielded two great phones and the perfect plan. Left to my own devices, I’d have ended up with two paper cups connected by string. Or a combo cell phone/missile launcher/photo scanner.


48 thoughts on “Mars and Venus Visit The Planet Verizon, Redux”

  1. Okay, I want you to picture that same scenario, only both people doing the picking are like The Rock. :grin:

    Anyway, HILARIOUS…also? I could explain the different cell networks, if you want. Heh.

  2. Years ago I resigned myself to the fact that ANY electronics purchase in this house, regardless of how simple the item, will require at least a month of intense debate and research.

    We spent less time picking out paint for all of the rooms in our home AND while car shopping?!?!

    Usually, by the time we actually BUY said item, I’m so annoyed by the thought of it that I want nothing to do with it…all part of his master plan I’m sure.

    Boys will be boys :)

  3. evidently, we’re married to the same man. i, too could give a crap about that kind of thing and never join my husband on his trips to purchase new electronics. because i just stand there and say, “yeah, sounds good. buy it. let’s go.” when my husband goes by himself, i just sit AT HOME pissed off that he’s been at the cingular store for 3 hours…

  4. How many times have I had that exact conversation (okay, not EXACTLY, but close enough) with my husband? Hint: A LOT.

    Are we sure that your husband and my husband are not the same person? Has anyone seen them in the same room together?

  5. If we were buying a computer, I would totally be the Rock. Cell phones, though…. we’re both imbeciles. here’s how it goes for me (by myself, he won’t go to the VZ store):

    Me: Give me three free phones and the cheapest family plan with unlimited texting.

    VZ Guy: Well, let me tell you about blah blah blah.


    VZ Guy: Well, if you insist….

  6. Ah, the verizon store. It takes a billion hours of waiting to get anything done, even if you walk in KNOWING what you want. So long, in fact, that I bring my child. Because nothing inspires the people to hurry like a whiney toddler.

  7. Love this post! We have a much more simplistic shopping method. I have one question for the sales rep, which is: “can it be permanently implanted into my husband’s body somewhere?” so that I can avoid his only question, which is: “honey, have you seen my cell phone?”

  8. hahahaha, I loved this. He sounds like he really cares and enjoys making informed decisions.

    However, I would prolly would not enjoy shopping for a home with him very much.

    Much the same as I don’t enjoy it with my hubby. I see potential He sees the house falling down with the next strong wind.

    I see an easy fix with a paint job. He sees all the holes that will need to be fixed before we can paint.

    I see a really cute vintage bathroom. He sees a $5000 plumbing bill.

    I see the English tea garden or the tropical paradise w/pool on our 1/3 of an acre, he sees what he has to mow on the weekends.

  9. ROCKLESS-Deb choosing phone/car:


    Verizon salesman- “This phone has one touch dial to Macys, injects botox, and channels Oprah directly to your cerebral cortex for the low, low price of $5 month—-fine print (airtime charges between 12:02am and 11:59pm billed at $5 second; roaming charges apply outside of store)


    Deb- “Awesome, I’ll take two”


    Car salesman – “This car has direct bluetooth link to all members of the Indigo Girls, has dropdown makeup visor complete with seven different brushes and applicators, and mood paint. fine print– (odometer was turned off at 3,000,000 million miles; car powered by Mayan gold ingots)


    Deb to salesman–“Do you like chocolate or vanilla frozen yogurt?




    Deb–“Good answer, I’ll take the car”

  10. This is SO FUNNY! My hubby likes to do a certain amount of research, too, but he loses interest fairly quickly. I’m afraid in this scenario, I’m the one who would be deeply immersed in the details, though. (Smiling sheepishly). I tend to make spreadsheets before I even get to the store. . .

    I know. It’s wierd.

  11. We clearly live identical lives; I’m sorry. But the good news is, in the end we have the most amazing phones and/or cars the universe provides. Although we can’t eat them or use them to salve our burnt knees.

    Maybe your husband can become the next funny guy in cyberspace; Stu’s getting lonely.

  12. I’m sorry. I have to take the Rock’s side on this one. I have the 3G thingy. Although I’m not sure what it’s for either. I just like knowing it’s there. But I have to say, that Botox phone sounds awesome!

  13. I’m with Deb on the paper cups and string.

    I need a phone to make phone calls. I do not need to read my email while I’m shopping or having my hair done. NOTHING is that damn important. I do not need to film the latest Star Wars Trek Man pre-sequel, nor do I need to play Ansel Adams with my cell phone.

    I do not need the phone to finish my term paper, to feed my child, to wash my dishes (okay, maybe the dishes thing), walk the iguana, or to solve world hunger.

    If I can’t live without a movie or tv show while I’m driving from point A to point B, I shouldn’t be on the road.

    I don’t need to download and play the latest Mario Legends of City Wars on my phone.

    I do not need to discover the next great rock icon on my cell phone.

    I need my cell phone to get good reception and to communicate briefly with people.

    That is all.

  14. Aloe vera works for the radiation burn. I’ve got it too.

    And … what did you end up with? Let me guess, pink swarovsky crystals? No? Didn’t think so.

  15. Can’t relate to either person in the scenario…my husband wouldn’t even go (and quite frankly I wouldn’t want him to because it would distract me) and I’d choose the one with the best features that didn’t break the bank and be in and out in a flash…oh, wait a minute, that sounds a teensy bit like you!

    Unless of course I’m choosing one for one of my teenagers (I don’t want them to go with me either. God only knows what I’d end up with after they’ve whined at me)and then I have to choose the one most aerodynamically designed for maximum texting fluidity. Nothing else, just that.

    Loved your imagery. The whole thing was too funny!

  16. But the missile launcher/photo scanner would be awesome.

    I was the last person in the world to buy a camera with a phone. And I only did it because there weren’t any without cameras.

  17. Oh Lawdy, just reading that made me go, “Rock, whatever you want, Babe. You pick.”

    I so love it when people just make decisions like that FOR me. :)

  18. Now that I have a man again I just laughed all over again reading this post. It’s been happening all the time and will continue I’m sure. Now I’m just going to have to try very hard not to laugh when it does. Which wouldn’t be so bad when normally I end up irritated and just wanting to go home.
    Gatta love the man!

  19. I’d be more than happy to make all elelectronic decisions on my own. Don’t mind doing the research-in fact I find it to be quite enjoyable. It is worth a little time to get it right.

  20. You know what’s funny about this? That man you married is me. It took me a really long time to buy my phone and then when I decided (at least I did that before I went into the store), I was worried there would be a new better soon. What can I say I’m a electronics geek.

  21. The Rock found your blog. Love it.

    You two sound like us.

    That’s why I go to Mac/Apple.. whatever it’s called. Everything is bright, shiny and they can TOTALLY read your mind.

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