July 4th, 2010
It’s that time again! The weeks leading up to a flight I am taking. On an airplane. An airplane that leaves the ground. An airplane that leaves the ground while I am inside it sweating profusely, moistly clutching the hand/arm/face closest to me until I am safely to my destination.
Never mind that the airplane is taking me to BlogHer in New York City, the land of the best street jewelry in the Universe. Because It just doesn’t matter. I could be headed to the Island of No More Adult Acne or the Strait of Cabernet and all I think? Is “Need to get my affairs in order,” and “The Rock better pine for me for a respectable amount of time before replacing me with someone considerably less appealing,” and “I hope no one finds the c@ck ring while cataloging my belongings for the estate sale.”
Oh man oh man oh man.
Hold on a sec, would you? I’m totally breathing heavily and not in the good way.
So. Um. I was where –…?
Death and destruction.
Well THIS time, I will not be flying alone. I have a few friends on the same flight and so I wanted post some suggestions for these pals regarding how to fly with me and not blow their faces off because not having a face is a far more preferable pain than flying with me.
1) Wear full body armor.
I’ve found that chain mail works best to repel the bite of my fingernails on your forearm and foreskin.
2) Bring ear plugs.
If not, I will regale you with stories of little man trolls that live on airplane wings.
3) Take the train.
Even if you ignore my body armor and ear plug tips, be sure to do the train thing.
We’re gonna have a blast!
Did I just say “blast?”
Tip #4: Avoid all incendiary adjectives in the month leading to the flight.