December 7th, 2009
I’m having a hard time feeling the holidays this season. It’s bothering me, all this groping for meaning and coming up empty. So…would you share something that’s moved you recently? Or a spiritually uplifting moment you’ve experienced? Where were you? What happened?
I would love to know. I think it could spark something in me.
I don’t know if I’ve shared this before, maybe, but the following deeply affected me, so I apologize for redundancy.
When my beloved Rebecca passed away at 4AM on November 10, 2008, I turned upside down. Not only was she a friend, mentor, spiritual support, and artistic inspiration, but she died at the exact time and on the exact day as my mother 11 years earlier. And even though I’m now a mother myself, I somehow felt childish, and motherless, in an immense wave of aloneness. It was a gutting. I draped myself over Rebecca’s hospital bed for several minutes after the hospital staff called her time of death because the heart monitor would beep every three minutes or so, and to me, that meant she wasn’t dead yet. The nurses wanted to unplug that dang monitor, but I just couldn’t have it, because any electrical activity meant a part of Rebecca was in this world still.
After, I remember walking through that gross hospital light and into a corridor playing canned Christmas music. I walked selfish, because I felt sorry for myself, dredging up how it was to have my mom die right before the holidays, and the regret for not being a good enough daughter, or a good enough friend to Rebecca. And now they’re both gone. And who is going to love me now, just because they have to? Like mothers do.
I got into my car, and suddenly it was as if a thousand tiny bubbles engulfed me. I told The Rock later that it felt like being in ethereal 7-Up. There was a lightness in the air, that’s all I can say. But also movement. As if someone high-fived my soul, which I know sounds completely ridiculous, but exactly right. It was a caress, and a smoothing of my brow, and an “it’s all OK.”
Like mothers do.
And I knew I was loved, just because.
Do you have a moment? Or a song, or book, or person that uplifted you? Please share.
Please post your submission in the comments OR post in your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments.