Hard Ass is Us

I went to an event recently, and the party was altruistic because it raised money for women in Kenya through $14 martinis, but the venue blew. Not because it wasn’t gorgeous, it was: all rooftop deck and blue pool and cabanas and crimson lounge cushions. But because the staff apparently took too seriously their employee handbook, “People Over the Age of 30 Are Dead to You.”


In between being generally ignored and told to leave my lounge cushion unless I wanted to spend hundreds on “bottle service,” hundreds NOT going to the charity, I imaginated the following exchange taking place in a job interview for a position at this place.


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: Hello, Anatolia Sparklebottom, I see here that you’re applying for a server position?


Anatolia Sparklebottom: What? I thought I was in a Mystic Tan spray booth.


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: You are. That’s where we do our interviews.


Anatolia Sparklebottom: Oh yays! So… {smacks gum and twists a hair extension around her finger}.


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: So tell me, why do you want to work here?


Anatolia Sparklebottom: Well, I like to be tan and generally find un-tan people to be disgusting and…


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: No. Not here here. Here as in the Hard Ass Hotel?


Anatolia Sparklebottom: Oh. Um. I dunno know.


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: Good answer. We like our people without initiative and unmotivated. Better yet, do you sleep in your makeup and non-contribute to society? Even better, are you apathetic and condescending to people you find old or unattractive?


Anatolia Sparklebottom: Totally!


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: Awesome. So what’s your five-year plan?


Anatolia Sparklebottom: Oh that’s easy. I plan to party ’til I’m crusty then live off my parents.


Manager with Spiky Hair and Vacuous Look: OMG! You’re hired!


26 thoughts on “Hard Ass is Us”

  1. “We like our people without initiative and unmotivated. Better yet, do you sleep in your makeup and non-contribute to society? Even better, are you apathetic and condescending to people you find old or unattractive?”

    I don’t sleep in my makeup (what makeup? I mean) but could you send me an application form?

    Brilliant interview.

  2. You just can’t get good help anymore – ain’t it the truth, sister!
    I think I’ve hit that old lady threshhold, where I don’t give a damn about being polite to crap-ass servers, but go right over their heads to the manager to get my next glass of whatever, smiling sweetly, of course, while I exclaim, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I just couldn’t get the waiter/waitress’ attention!”
    I like to think being over 40 means you can make up your own rules – is that wrong?

  3. And this, my friends, is why I don’t go to trendy places. 1) I don’t fit the “trendy” profile. 2) I don’t like the people who work in these places for the reason you pointed out. 3) They tend to play crap instead of MUSIC. 4) You usually can’t hear yourself think in these places and when you’re going out with friends, it’s kind of nice to actually be able to talk with them since they’re adults and so are you (so much easier than talking to kids 9 out of 10 times…or at least more stimulating…mostly).

  4. Wait a sec, this is exactly what the staff at the Soho Grand was like. In fact, every place in New York was crawling with these people. Ditto for LA, San Fran, and virtually anywhere I’ve been that doesn’t have high chairs.

  5. i love the word vacuous.

    but i hate pretentious, insincere, rude, gum-snapping tarts. didya give her the look of death?

    and i agree with ilinap – service sucks anywhere without highchairs. not that highchairs guarantee good service, but yeah…

  6. Oh, yeah. I know her. And her sister. They all talk with that growly kind of voice, like “Eg-ZACT-laye”, when they’re not chirping “No problem!” instead of saying “Yes” or “certainly,ma’am.”

    Do you ever notice they do NOT behave like this to older gentlemen wearing suits, no matter how grey the hair?

  7. um, okay. but, like, unless you’re going to order bottle service you’re going to have to put this post up on twitter. because we have to, like, keep this blog page clear. for like, prettier, less untan people and stuff.

  8. I am MOST certain I was never anatolia sparklebottom when I was a 20 something. How do can I be certain you ask? No extensions back then. No money to afford tanning booths then. Generally more smart than cool (sorry if that sounds arrogant, but it is what it is). Is that why I have no tolerance now?

  9. I’ve met her, too. I WORK so hard to teach my students to be socially conscious and aware and to contribute to the greater good. I hope what I’m doing works with most of them. But I don’t know. The societal influences are pretty damn strong!

  10. I have seen that waitress a number of times at local pubs, but she’s never been that snobby about serving me a drink, thank goodness! I hope the martinis were REEAALLLLY delicious.

  11. I love this post. While it was best efforts and best intentions, a venue is a big decision for any event, and this event was great, everyone had a great time, but yes, I 100% agree that most of the staff were counting the minutes until we left – and the twenty-something “managing partner” was literally doing just that.

    I thought once the Gerber Group was “fired” and removed, things would improve. I go to a lot of Downtown venues, and consistently, this one lets me down every time; unless of course I’m throwing down hundreds for “bottle service”. I can get better bottle service elsewhere (Ivy, Se, Altitude, Syrah, Sidebar, JBar, my house), and can be treated much better in the process, with or without the bottle.

  12. I totally get this…the stupid thing is, I keep forgetting I am no longer a hot 20+ babe and thus keep expecting the waitstaff to bring my grey goose gimlet when I order it.

  13. Ladies and gentlemen:

    Thanks to Cheri and her highly specialized detective work,
    I have discovered that Anatolia Sparklebottom is an imposter.

    I have remedied the problem. She will be locked in a secure Mystic Tan Spray Booth until further investigation.

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