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Kitchen Sink

An Oldie, But Dummy

January 29th, 2009

This post originally ran in my “other blog,” and I avoided re-reading it for years because a San Diego journalist who obviously had too much time on her hands and felt she had to comment on a blog that had no readers and no direction and wasn’t even newsworthy anyway, happened to review it, and was so bitingly sarcastic and dismissive, that I still have blocks. Anyway, re-posting it now will be healing and let’s face it, time-saving.

 

p.s. That bitchy journalist had a point.

 

p.p.s. I kind of miss the days where I just wrote from the butt and didn’t worry so much about “sentence structure,” and “a point.”

 

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I have to prepare for my Writer’s Group now, so that means I am thinking about all the men I dated in my life. (Procrastination is a many-armed monster.)

 

I’m going to start enumerating and describing some of these guys. Because I suddenly seem to have entered a dimension where time stands still and stuff like eating, cleaning and clearing my calendar for a good barf [editor’s note: I was pregnant] have no meaning.

 

Let’s start with 1991:

 

Kurt

Time period: 1991-93

Looked like: Richard Gere. Kinda.

Personal style: T-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes, hairy chest/back.

Personality: Dopey. Occasionally unintentionally witty. Cheater.

Memorable date: Denim n’ Diamonds in L.A. He said I made his “loins quiver.”

In a nutshell: Serial cheater. Lots of break-ups and get back-togethers. Broke my heart. Ensuing distress caused me to lose about 25 pounds.

 

Jeff

Time period: 1992

Looked like: Emilio Estevez. Sorta.

Personal style: Polo. Chino shorts. Low sports socks and trendy tennis shoes.

Personality: Nice. Gentlemanly. Boring.

Memorable date (the one and only): Trip to the L.A. Zoo, back to his place for countless hours of sitting in front of the TV, dinner and a movie (Scent of a Woman).

In a nutshell: Vanilla.

 

Evan

Time period: 1992

Looked like: David Copperfield gone bad.

Personal style: Dress pants. Silky shirts.

Personality: Showman. Creepy.

Memorable date: Mountain biking at Las Virgenes Canyon.

In a nutshell: Icky. Reminded me of a Peeping Tom. Always had an agenda. Manipulative.

 

Brian

Time period: 1992-93

Looked like: 80’s pop rock band front man. Maybe like lead singer of A-Ha, but with longer hair. Or guy from Mike & The Mechanics. But w/out the mustache/beard.

Personal style: Oxfords. Jeans

Personality: Earnest. Sweet. Boring.

Memorable date: Lasagna at his mom’s house

In a nutshell: He was a goodie. Just wasn’t a thrill ride. That eventually decided it.

 

I could do this all day! Later, I’ll pick back up with 1992! But don’t worry! I met The Rock in 1997, so there is an end in sight. Plus, 1992-93 was by far my best season.

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Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s make this a meme!

What? Oh OK. No, no that’s fine, whatever.

 

« « Where I Learned To Be Sweet    |    Am I Alone Here » »

On January 29th, 2009, we_be_toys said:

That was one wildly entertaining bite off of your list – why the hell did it get panned so badly? Not enough like literature or something? Pfft – critics – petty little shits!
I loved this – it would make a good meme, if I liked memes, I mean (aren’t we supposed to hate memes if we’re “serious” about writing?)(I’m just asking…!). It certainly got me thinking about all the putzes that passed for boyfriends in my life as well.

On January 29th, 2009, Kizz said:

I love this and I want more! Also, what is up with all the boring guys in the dating pool? I say that and immediately wonder on whose list I am “artsy, sweet, boring.” I hope they can tell that the boring thing is just a nervous tic, I get way more interesting once the heart palpitations subside.

On January 29th, 2009, stoneskin said:

Where DID you find these creeps, and what was the 25 pounds for?, wait, that’s not pounds Sterling, you confused me for a second.

On January 29th, 2009, Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

I’m wetting my pants with delight.

Sorry about the critic. Not sure what her point would have been. I mean, doesn’t it depend what you’re looking for. When I come here, I’m looking for YOU. Your voice. Your style. Your writing. I look for Deb. In whatever form and dose is offered. And you always deliver.

On January 29th, 2009, foradifferentkindofgirl said:

What is there to even complain about here?! This is hilarious reading, and so fantastically captured! I sadly spent a few months with Mr. Vanilla’s cousin, I think. Dear God, how grateful was I to finally hear the words “So…yeah…this probably isn’t going anywhere…” come out of my mouth!

On January 29th, 2009, Diane said:

Oh, I’d have a sad few to contribute here… just did a post on Troll-Guy (yeah, that was a good one). Sigh.

On January 29th, 2009, Blognut said:

Woohoo! We could have some serious fun with this… a whole blog carnival of clowns.

On January 29th, 2009, g said:

This could be a cool meme. I would be proudly telling all his friends and business colleagues to read my blog. Maybe I need a secret identity blog! LOL!

On January 29th, 2009, tinsenpup said:

Hmmm… My 1992 boyfriend was a Jeff too. I think he was the precise opposite of yours though.

On January 30th, 2009, Green Girl said:

Oh man, we all have to try those of a type to figure out what we love and hate. Sounds like some of us are better at that than others!

On January 31st, 2009, matteroffactmommy said:

i’ve never really dated any of these guys, but damn if it didn’t get me thinking! i love memes, and had no idea that they may be frowned upon by “real” writers. while i certainly don’t consider myself a “real” writer, i sure as hell love learning stuff about people who complete memes!

i think the description of evan was my favorite. “david copperfield gone bad”, hahahaha! what a creep!

On February 1st, 2009, Da Goddess said:

So some newsy chick decides that you outlinging past boyfriends as a writing exercise wasn’t her cup of tea and trashed you? You should have told me. I’d have kicked her ass.

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