And to All a Bellicose Night

The crank cloud has not yet lifted, and it’s heavy with a chance of rain. i’ve been so pissy that it’s in complete opposition to all that is good about the season. I’ve even desecrated the cheerfulness of “Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” It went something like this* (please look away if you are a good mother):


Toots: Mommy, why does Santa need Rudolph?

Me: Because Rudolph’s nose lights the way in the fog.

Toots: What?

Me: It was a foggy Christmas Eve. Rudolph’s nose lets Santa see so he can steer his sleigh.

Toots: What kind of Christmas Eve was it?

Me: Foggy.

Toots: What?


Toots: Were they green?

Me: What????

Toots: The froggies. Were they green?

Me: FOGGY! It was foggy, kid! FOGGY! FOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGYYYYY. You’ve read the story, seen the show, sang the song thousands of times. It was foggy! There were no frogs! No “r,” no “r,” no “R!” FOG! FOGGY!

Toots: Yeah, I know.

Me: Why did you keep asking then?!

Toots: You’re funny.

At this point, Toots laughs like a clueless little kid who was about to be dangled from my second floor window.


Then, The Rock made the grave mistake of questioning the voluminous amounts of popcorn I consume daily. It went like this* (please avert your eyes if you are a good wife):


The Rock, looking at the two bags of popped popcorn on the kitchen counter, one whose contents I was mainlining on the couch, the other unopened: You made TWO bags of popcorn?

(Editor’s Note: His incredulous tone was completely uncalled for and had too much incredulity for my taste.)

Me: Yes! But don’t touch it!

The Rock: Why? You’re already eating a bag.

Me: Because it hasn’t been prepared yet!

The Rock: What does that mean?

Me: I haven’t prepared it for consumption!

(Editor’s Note: “Prepared for consumption” is a complicated process that involves prodigious buttering, salting, usually re-buttering, and always re-salting, and for best results, should not be rushed or ridiculed.)

The Rock: You’ve been eating popcorn all day! Enough fiber already! It’s not sexy!

Me: You want to see unsexy? How about not having sex? THAT’S unsexy.

The Rock: Man, you’re crabby.

Me: Did you just call me flabby?

Toots (interjecting): No Mommy! He said “froggy!”


Well-played, second-floor dangler, well played.


*This isn’t as made up as I’d like it to be.


19 Responses to “And to All a Bellicose Night”

  1. Eden says:

    I laughed all the way through this.

  2. PAPA says:

    I’ve been wanting to use bellicose forevor!

    Somtimes I nitpick too. After reading this, I think I’ll stop.

  3. g says:

    Bwah!!! “Froggy!” You have a smart daughter.

  4. stoneskin says:

    Judging by Toots’ quick wit right at the end, I think they could become a comedian.

    Anyway, I’ve always believed that it was froggy on Christmas Eve.

  5. mommypie says:

    Am eagerly awaiting the newest Christmas classic, Santa and His Flying Froggies.

    This is awesome.

  6. Barrie Summy says:

    Hilarious! I can just imagine in on YouTube! (BTW my Child#2 eats popcorn like you!)

  7. vodkamom says:

    I was LAUGHING OUT LOUD. That was TOo damn funny!!!

  8. Karen says:

    Popcorn sure beats the approximately 2.2 metric tons of Christmas cookies I have been consuming every day.

    By the way, are we living parallel lives?

  9. This is so funny. I love popcorn. How about sending one of your well prepared bags to this East Coast lady? Popcorn – yummy.

  10. THIS was well-played. One of the funniest things I’ve read in a while! Go eat your popcorn – fiber’s good for you – and Toots is YOUR daughter. SMART!

  11. Confession: I had to look up bellicose. I learned me somthin’ new today. Bye.

  12. Danielle says:

    LOL. That was good. Don’t feel bad I have these same kinds of conversations with my husband too. And you never overbutter popcorn.

  13. Lori says:

    Oh how I’ve had those days! Have you tried those popcorm seasonings? THey’re yummy. We use ranch, caramel and cheese. And bonus, you HAVE to overbutter to get the seasoning to stick!

  14. Meg Pokrass says:

    Okay this is strange — but i entered a contest for “first paragraphs” on an agent’s site. Ironically, I am an editor and a writer. I help edit the magazine SmokeLong Quarterly.

    So, for some reason, I’m getting all this guys posts! Like, i opened my e-mail this morning, and there were 40 entries! Because I am also an editor, i was curious, and read them. they sucked. yours was the best. no joke. Also, mine is good! I hope one of us win.

    But i still don’t get why i’m getting his posts. i hope he’s getting them too, and that i’m no stealing them. i don’t want them!

    Now that that’s over with, i thought I’d introduce myself. I live in SF, am a flash fiction writer and poet. I’m also a mom. I’m intimidated by the mommy blogger scene, and haven’t even tried.

    you can check out my work at I’m on FB, and trying to twitter, and all that. Also, take a look at the mag. i edit. it is awesome. I’m one of 9 editors.



  15. My husband monitors the Diet Pepsi intake…now the kids monitor me too. It’s really really annoying…and I can’t be responsible for the actions it may invoke.

  16. All this about Rudolph. What about “the other reindeer” named Olive?

  17. Steph says:

    See, my response to the popcorn thing would have been like, “You shut up about my popcorn if you ever want to see me even partially nude ever again. You’ve already lost full frontal privileges. You really wanna do this? Let’s ****ing tango, mother******.”

    Clearly, I’m not a good wife.

  18. kate says:

    i’d have hung the rock out the second floor window. so nice restraint.

  19. SeaBird says:


    I sooo needed that laugh right now :)

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