This Explains A Lot

I was thinking the other day about my emotional development, and why it’s not as far along as I’d like it to be. My emotional maturity is pee-sized, when I’d really like it to be at least as big as a salad beet, or a medium-length tuber.


I thought that maybe I was making some progress in this area, but then I get all worked up about whether or not people will come to my 40th birthday party and last night, I told my husband “not to pee,” because the sound of his urine against the toilet water was splashy and voluminous.


In so many ways, I’m still a child, and I wonder how I got stuck in this developmental stage of jumping up and down when I want something and bursting into tears when I don’t get my way.


Then it struck me: it’s my parents’ fault.

Of course!


It’s all coming back to me now. Like most importantly, how no one ever told me about sex. The memory that appears most vividly is how I walked into my parent’s bedroom one night to find my mom naked and laying on her stomach while my dad “rubbed” her back with the “massager.” I was 8 and confused by the sight, but I knew that it must have to do with some kind of parental “private time.” No one ever spoke of that incident again, but about a year later, when I heard the word “sex” from some schoolyard kid, I put two and two together. A-ha! My naked parents must have been having sex! So i asked my mom. My Catholic, dressed-up-for-church-sat-in-the-front-pew mom.
This is how it went:


Me: Mom? Were you and dad having sex last year?

My Mom (probably thinking back to whether her rhythm birth control method allowed her to have had sex last year): Why do you ask?

Me: Because you were naked and dad was rubbing your back.

My Mom: Oh. Um, let’s see. Uh, well honey, sex is very private.

Me: Why? What do you do during sex?

My Mom: You make babies.

Me: Do you lay on top of each other naked?

My Mom: Um.

Me: Do you have your clothes on then?

My Mom: Yes, you can have your clothes on.


I absolutely swear that she said the last sentence. For YEARS, I thought you had sex by laying on top of each other with your clothes on. Then, when I learned that a penis was involved, I imagined two people laying on top of each other until whenever the penis decided to inject its sperm. I did remember wondering how the penis got inside the woman, because I knew they were kind of soft and floppy, but I let those questions go unanswered in my small little Catholicized mind.


It wasn’t until the end of my eighth grade year that I found out the truth. I was babysitting and turned on Pay TV, hoping for E.T. or Tron, and somehow got a porno instead. Oh good Lord. Up until then, I had NO idea that people actually MOVED during sex. And they moved fast! Also, there were other positions than just laying on top of each other? And, they were NAKED! Plus, the penis wasn’t soft and floppy! Why, it wasn’t soft and floppy at all!


I watched for a few minutes, stunned and curious. After a bit, I guiltily turned it off.

Then, I turned it back on.






These people were still moving up and down quickly! And they weren’t even in bed anymore. Wow! She was going to have a lot of babies, because from what I could tell, they’d been having tons of sex.


After this eye-opening experience, I never looked at my mom and dad the same way again. Also, what was that crap about having clothes on? In my vast Pay TV experience, I never once saw any of these fast-moving, happy people wearing clothes, and lycra didn’t count.


So, the pieces of the puzzle are coming together for me now. If I’d learned about sex earlier, I’d have better things to do than complain about my husband’s pee.


I’m glad we had this little talk.


18 thoughts on “This Explains A Lot

  1. I’ve already had a very similar talk. With my mom! I walked in once and they told me they were fighting!

    I have vowed to be completely honest w/ my kids when they ask questions. Although I’m usually mortified, I answer calmly and truthfully. So far,it’s working.

  2. good one, deb!

    i grew up baptist, so we were taught that sex was shameful, too. or i guess it just wasn’t addressed at all. oh hell, i don’t remember. but i DO remember that my first exposure to sex was on the computer. don’t let anyone tell you that the internet was not invented for porn! circa 1989, porn was available to my brother and i using my mom’s 1200 baud modem.

    also? tell your husband to sit down on the potty if he wants to piss when the house is quiet.

  3. OMG that was a hysterical post! I remember my mother telling my sister and me at the same time about periods, sex, etc. I was a bit too young for this discussion and laughed me ASS off. Then, I called my cousin, and WE laughed our asses off, and so on, and so on, and so on.

    I’m still laughing.

  4. This is hilarious. But I think you might be on to something with the porno viewing thing. I’d almost be more comfortable showing my kid a porno and getting it totally over with than answering a million questions, lol.

  5. At least your ‘talk’ was with your mom. Mine was too uncomfortable to do it, so my DAD did. UGH. It was the worst 5 minutes of my life and I burst into tears the minute he left the room. I was scarred. My mother STILL can’t talk about it. When I mentioned that I was sleeping with a (long-term) boyfriend, she actually stuck her fingers in her ears and told me she didn’t want to hear about (and trust me, I wasn’t going into details!). WTF?! I don’t know about your emotional development (or mine) but I feel your pain!

  6. I’m so thankful I was too scared to ever go in my parents’ bedroom at night. I was terrified of the dark so I wouldn’t leave my bed for anything. Now I’m seeing how useful that fear really was.

    I see why you practiced kissing on the dog.

    Oops. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.

  7. ROFL

    Thank you so much for clearing that up for me. LOL

    I got the “sex talk” when I was 12 but I had no idea what it really was. My friends and I speculated about it endlessly. We snuck peeks at my friend’s brother’s Playboys (“so THAT’s what we’re going to look like when we grow up. Cool!” What a letdown LOL).

    It wasn’t until a boyfriend in college that I truly understood what the fuss was all about.

    So does this mean your 40th is really an orgy???? *gasp* J/k

    Thanks for the great post!!

  8. Of course, i learned about the mechanics of sex in the best possible forum – at church camp. a bunch of us 11 year old girls pushed our bunk beds together, sat together on the top and ate snack food, and the preacher’s daughter told us that the man put his penis in the lady’s vagina.

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