July 25th, 2008
Yesterday, propelled by a PMS cosmetics buying binge, I purchased some “wrinkle-reducing” face powder, my latest must-try in an arsenal of age-denying make-up products.
The label doesn’t describe exactly HOW it reduces wrinkles, which I’ve always found a little suspect, but whatever it does is “time-released” and cumulative. I did see something named “Gaba Compex” listed somewhere, which I imagined might be an acronym for “Gimme A Brand-New Appearance.” Either way, I’m telling you, I’m at the point where I would smear snot on my face if it provided greater luster and smoother skin folds. I would, but I won’t, because snot is smeared regularly on my face and I’m here to tell you, it does not deliver on its cosmetic promise.
Still, as 40 approacheth, I’ve adopted a few tried and true makeup application tips that somewhat seem to stall the hands of time. But I’ve also found that if any of these pieces fall (say my anti-aging lipstick fades), the whole house of cards collapses. My drawn-on face is a aggregate of parts. There can be no weak link.
So here, I share my makeup tricks and tips guaranteed to amuse and mystify you. But first, the preparation:
1) A vigorous baking soda scrub.
This seems to give me a healthy flush, probably caused by the broken capilaries.
2) An ice rub.
Here is where I try to freeze my wrinkles into submission.
3) Moisturizer and eye cream application.
4) More moisturizer.
5) A “Moisture-Boost” moisturizer. And more eye cream.
6) Lay upside down over my bed to encourage blood flow to my face, which should eliminate the toxins that cause wrinkling and lackluster skin tone.
7) Tap the bags under my eyes to stimulate lymphatic drainage and further bag-causing toxic elimination.
Now, the House of Cards make-up application:
1) Now that my face is good and red and about to kick my ass, I apply foundation with a brush.
2) I apply it again, hoping to build an entirely new skin surface on which to work.
3) Apply light-reflecting concealer under eyes.
4) Brush mineral powder over whole face.
5) Put on more concealer.
I’m still seeing stuff I don’t want to see.
6) Apply cream blush.
Powder blush settles into skin
7) Apply matte eyeshadow.
Decide on sparkly.
Switch back to matte.
Take it all off.
Apply a bit of eyeliner and mascara.
8) Sweep highlighter powder on top of cheekbones and on edge of eyes and on top of eyes and in smile cracks and between old-looking between-brow crevasse.
Light reflection method should temporarily blind anyone looking at these wrinkly areas.
9) Apply Blistex to lips and under eyes.
Because I do that kind of stuff. (Don’t do it with diaper cream though. Too stingy.)
10) Slide on a bit of lipgloss,.
The kind that gets on your teeth within 3 minutes of application.
11) Decide to stop obsessing and be graceful about my life force ebbing way.
12) Wash everything off.
13) Re-apply #3, #1, a bit of #6 and #7 and #9.
14) Play “Scary Kissy Monster” with Toots and Booger.
Rub resulting snot all over face.
15) Feel about 5 years old!
On the inside.
*Note: For optimum anti-aging, these steps must be performed in order.