Yesterday, propelled by a PMS cosmetics buying binge, I purchased some “wrinkle-reducing” face powder, my latest must-try in an arsenal of age-denying make-up products.
The label doesn’t describe exactly HOW it reduces wrinkles, which I’ve always found a little suspect, but whatever it does is “time-released” and cumulative. I did see something named “Gaba Compex” listed somewhere, which I imagined might be an acronym for “Gimme A Brand-New Appearance.” Either way, I’m telling you, I’m at the point where I would smear snot on my face if it provided greater luster and smoother skin folds. I would, but I won’t, because snot is smeared regularly on my face and I’m here to tell you, it does not deliver on its cosmetic promise.
Still, as 40 approacheth, I’ve adopted a few tried and true makeup application tips that somewhat seem to stall the hands of time. But I’ve also found that if any of these pieces fall (say my anti-aging lipstick fades), the whole house of cards collapses. My drawn-on face is a aggregate of parts. There can be no weak link.
So here, I share my makeup tricks and tips guaranteed to amuse and mystify you. But first, the preparation:
1) A vigorous baking soda scrub.
This seems to give me a healthy flush, probably caused by the broken capilaries.
2) An ice rub.
Here is where I try to freeze my wrinkles into submission.
3) Moisturizer and eye cream application.
4) More moisturizer.
5) A “Moisture-Boost” moisturizer. And more eye cream.
6) Lay upside down over my bed to encourage blood flow to my face, which should eliminate the toxins that cause wrinkling and lackluster skin tone.
7) Tap the bags under my eyes to stimulate lymphatic drainage and further bag-causing toxic elimination.
Now, the House of Cards make-up application:
1) Now that my face is good and red and about to kick my ass, I apply foundation with a brush.
2) I apply it again, hoping to build an entirely new skin surface on which to work.
3) Apply light-reflecting concealer under eyes.
4) Brush mineral powder over whole face.
5) Put on more concealer.
I’m still seeing stuff I don’t want to see.
6) Apply cream blush.
Powder blush settles into skin furrows caverns.
7) Apply matte eyeshadow.
Decide on sparkly.
Switch back to matte.
Take it all off.
Apply a bit of eyeliner and mascara.
8) Sweep highlighter powder on top of cheekbones and on edge of eyes and on top of eyes and in smile cracks and between old-looking between-brow crevasse.
Light reflection method should temporarily blind anyone looking at these wrinkly areas.
9) Apply Blistex to lips and under eyes.
Because I do that kind of stuff. (Don’t do it with diaper cream though. Too stingy.)
10) Slide on a bit of lipgloss,.
The kind that gets on your teeth within 3 minutes of application.
11) Decide to stop obsessing and be graceful about my life force ebbing way.
12) Wash everything off.
13) Re-apply #3, #1, a bit of #6 and #7 and #9.
14) Play “Scary Kissy Monster” with Toots and Booger.
Rub resulting snot all over face.
15) Feel about 5 years old!
On the inside.
*Note: For optimum anti-aging, these steps must be performed in order.
Snot is better than Botox for freezing things into place.
I am tired after just READING that!
My routine consists of Oil of Delay and an every other day dermabrasion kit thing that I said I’d never ever buy and now that I have, I can’t live without. Seriously, I don’t think I have ever endorsed anything on my blog, but I am about to, that’s how much I love this thing!
Oh and I agree with PJ Momma, snot works wonders. Especially in a pinch when you don’t have Elmers glue and a school project is due!
I use soap (not a beauty bar), my hands, and Oil of Olay. My skin is pretty much okay.
As for you using baking soda? Girl, what the fuck are you hoping to do to your skin? Fry it? Baking soda does not belong on skin. If it can whiten teeth, what do you honestly think it’s going to do to tender skin cells? That flush is from alkaline burning you.
La la la la la la. You can’t hear me, can you?
Holy Smokes! That’s more prep time than NASA uses before a shuttle launch.
Reading that regime gives me another reason to be glad to be a man, aside from the relief of dying sooner.
“Put on more concealer.
I’m still seeing stuff I don’t want to see.”
And then
“12) Wash everything off.”
I do that A LOT.
:-)
Wow, that is an intense ritual. The washing it off after all of that work is what gets me. 40 won’t be too bad – I hope! I am right behind you.
jeezus…
here’s mine:
shower
wash face in shower
moisturize (not enough)
apply 8yr-old mascara
apply cheap, grocery store-bought powder
apply expensive, 8yr-old clinique blush
i think i need to go to the make-up counter sometime soon…
I mostly do #11 myself.
i, uh, don’t wear makeup.
that’s not to say that i don’t need it.
i just can’t seem to care.
Oh, we’re supposed to post our beauty regimen?
I pour a glass of wine, and then another one, and another one, and another one until the pain goes away.
Everyone already posted all the good answers! HOOKERS! All of you.
However, I have to echo the “BAKING SODA?!? WTF?!?” comment. Because on the serious tip, that shit is not good for your skin. PEOPLE USE IT TO CLEAN CAST IRON, DEB!!
I do the baking soda thing too–it’s supposed to be the best exfoliant around. Don’t let all these people freak you out.
Just do #14 as frequently as possible.
First, I am laughing very hard at all the imagery. Second, you’re talking to a skin care junkie. I have been using Obagi for about 3 years. I SWEAR by it. It has changed my skin. Pricey yes, but I’d pay up for skin care before silly things like my son’s education and development. KIDDING!
If it makes you feel better I am battling the genes of MAJOR WRINKLES and I also have to use proactiv. I don’t want to wrinkle like my dad (or his mom *shudder*) but I also hate looking like a teenager with the zits…I can’t win.
I’m actually interested in trying the baking soda. If it can clean my laundry, my pool, deodorize my refrigerator and get rid of my heartburn, I can guarantee it will exfoliate my skin!
I’m really going to try it though. It’s natural
This baking soda thing is an interesting launching pad for the whole treatment. It is a miracle product, what with the teeth whitening, onion smell killing, laundry brightening magic. It’s tempting!
Thanks for your recent comment on my blog. I’ll be back here!
Straight baking soda? Mix with water? Olive oil? Lemon juice? Hmm… starting to sound like a recipe.
If you think baking soda will scrub your face like it’ll scrub floors, I recommend Preparation H.
It’ll shrink those bags under your eyes like it’ll shrink … other things.
Picture please? I’m waiting for the illustration to go along with the luscious text. Preferably the head hanging over the bed shot.
I find $5 concealer, REALLY bad hair and sunglasses that cover 3/4 of my face work a treat. I look so ridiculous no one notices the wrinkles and skin so dry it makes the sahara desert look moist and dewy.
And bonus. No one can see the dark circles under my eyes from too much alcohol and not enough sleep.
Although, I have been thinking since I saw the THE DARK KNIGHT yesterday that The Joker might be onto something. Green hair, smeared red lipstick and white cake makeup can look very interesting…
Kelly@SHE-POWER
The things we do to scare the wrinkles away! I have a similar beauty regime. I go to bed greasified and feel like I probably shouldn’t move and get the stuff everywhere. My grandmother had young skin so I’m hoping that genetics and my addiction to moisturizing will help me out.
I didn’t see “take a nap” in one of the steps. I feel like I’d need a breather somewhere in there. I turn 40 in September and I say bring it on; sure beats the alternative. I’m not as concerned about my wrinkles and stray gray hair here and there as much as my sagging boobs and grade A chicken thighs.
And hey, I saw your comment on Mommy Pie about the clowns. I am terrified of clowns! I’ll have to post about the freaky clown incident one of these days.
I’m TERRIBLE at skin care :\
I wash my face with bar soap, when I break out I use RUBBING ALCOHOL on my FACE and the only make-up I use is Bare Escentuals face powder…I’m so freakin’ lazy that I don’t even bother with the mineral veil. My HUSBAND takes more time to pamper himself every morning than I do…so sad.
I can’t find your email addy – note to self: organize in-box. My cakes are made completely from diapers. This is a great gift for new moms and moms to be. http://www.cutiebootycakes.com
PJ: It is. And if snot’s effects lasted longer, I’d be all over it (or would it be all over me?)
Auds: Is the dermabrasion thing also from Oil of Olay? Next age-denying purchase alert!
Da G: WHAT? CAN YOU TALK LOUDER? WHAT??????
Trooper: I bet a good baking soda rub would make you a changed man.
Vered: I don’t believe you. Your skin looks too dewy and soft.
Mekhi’s Mom: I’m actually looking forward to 40. I’ve been looking forward to 40 for 5 years. Just want to get there already and stop obsessing!
MOFM: Don’t mess with success. Your routine works for you, you total skeevy looks-pretty-without-any-make-up beyotch.
Green Girl: *sigh* I know. I need to, too.
Slouchy: And you’re beautiful.
PJ Momma: You call that a beauty regimen? I call that life. :)
Steph: My skin is EXACTLY like cast iron. Seriously.
Jenn: I will (do both).
Myra: Where do I get the Obagi? I heard it turned your skin blue. True?
KD: I’ve been wanting to try ProActiv. Seems like I tried everything, but maybe this will be my Holy Grail.
PJ M: That’s what I tell myself!
For A Different: I’m thinking of re-packaging the baking soda and selling it at a mark-up as a household cleaner/skin cleanser/onion-smell-killer. You in?
For covering stuff up, try using concealer underneath, not on top, then translucent powder on that, brush off excess, then foundation, then powder again. The powder dries up the liquid without removing it. I used two layers of this and completely hid a zit. However, they all need to be very close to your skin tone.
Not that I do this very often. I hate makeup. And I hate what it stands for.