March 3rd, 2008
It’s just that I’m having a hard time.
I sincerely feel hormonally rocked right now, and it’s just so frustrating.
Ever since my second pregnancy, my hormones have been whacked. I had my doctor test them, because surely something was off, but the test came back within “normal limits.” Which was baffling.
And now I’m pissed, because I just know something is off and I don’t know where to go. What do I do? Take Black Cohosh or Slippery Elm? Drink more water? Move to an island? What? What? What?
I’m frustrated with the doctors who say everything is fine when I know it’s not. I don’t feel right. I am a hyper PMSer and I think I need medication. Or a steak? Seriously, is this because I’m almost 40? Is this what the body does?
Look, I’m going to be transparent here. Something’s up. I have a 10-minute non-PMSy window, that closes more every month, and when I’m PMSing, I feel sad and angry and real hungry. Also, tired. And I get zits in weird places. And certain areas are more sensitive than other areas. And I can’t sleep. Or I sleep too much. Also, my eyesight gets blurry.
In addition, I fight more with my husband, yell more at my kids and God, I hope I’m not just getting old and bitter and using hormonal fluctuations as an excuse.
Take today. Today, I hate myself. I can’t do anything. I’m not good at anything. I’m not special in any way. I cannot write. God makes junk. I’m also really irritated with Google Adsense. Why so many singles ads? Do you know something I don’t? Is my husband going to leave me? Is he? Is he??!!!!!!!?
And earlier, I primal screamed in front of my kids because I forgot my purse upstairs and nothing is more annoying and troublesome. It warranted a primal scream. I scared the beejeezus out of them. Then, I noticed that on my neighborhood Starbucks sign, someone blackened out the S, T, A, R, lower part of the B, and S in STARBUCKS and the C, E, E, in COFFEE, and I never notice stuff like that. So, add “heightened sense of observation” to my PMS trouble list. Put it next to “poos more.”
Currently, I’m on my second bowl of rice ice cream and I’ve developed an unholy alliance with popcorn. I’ve had three bags. This, in addition to two breakfasts and a lunch. It’s 3:45PM here.
Later, I’ll probably cry and then collapse in front of Paranormal State, and get nightsweats and bad dreams.
And in case you’re not clearly getting what I’m laying down, here’s some imagery:
That is butter.
I have problems.
So many strange and unusual body chemical happenings have taken place in my body for a few years now, and I’m so absolutely done with it.
But soon, I’ll get my period and not be able to leave the house because if I stand up, it’s the parting of the Red Sea.
I’m on my third bowl of ice cream.