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Kitchen Sink

Reminiscing

February 13th, 2008

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I recently looked back through all the correspondence I’d sent my husband over the past 10 years. And instead of feeling inspired, or invigorated, I took a horrifying walk down memory lane, where I realized that my husband is one lucky brave man.

 

I offer for evidence one particular letter, written to The Rock soon after we’d moved in together. Seems I had undergone mood swings, and I wrote this letter thing to explain why his girlfriend had vacated her body and left him with a certifiably insane PMSer.

 

I’d like to share it now.

 

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SAN DIEGO — JUNE 1, 1998 — AP WIRE

LUNATIC ESCAPES ASYLUM

 

A crazy psycho with erratic mood swings has managed to escape from the Los Angeles IMA LOOZINIT Mental Institution. Last seen Saturday, May 30, she is believed to have posed as a nurse and hitched a ride out of town.

 

“We last saw her wandering aimlessly in our courtyard,” said LOOZINIT manager, Carmen Elektrashek. “Then we didn’t see her.”

“This lunatic has the ability to morph her physical appearance,” Elektrashek explained. “She’s mastered the technology of removing her face, placing it in a freezing agent, and replacing the bloody bone and gristle with another person’s skin.”

 

“We believe…” Elektrashek continued ominously, “that this has happened.”

 

Police found bits of ragged flesh thought to be the crazy psycho’s in a Brentwood apartment just this morning.

 

“The last known resident at the residence was a [MY REAL NAME HERE],” police told the AP. “Now, we think this [MY REAL NAME HERE] is in a freeze tank, while the lunatic is walking around with her face.”

 

Said police officer Dash Dixon, “We’re doing all we can to find [MY REAL NAME HERE].

 

“The crazy psycho is known to fly off the handle unprovoked,” said Elektrashek, “dwell on stupid, little, unimportant matters, and generally just be a crazy psycho.
I think that’s why we call her that,” he mused.

 

It’s already known that [MY REAL NAME HERE] — the woman thought to be freezing in a tank with the lunatic’s face — was a little crazy herself,” Dixon said. “Yet, friends and family say it was a manageable nuttiness. Now, loved ones are running for the hills as the woman masquerading as the buxom 29-year-old has taken [MY REAL NAME HERE]’s place.”

 

“Whoever this is — this, this person I’m living with…” [MY REAL NAME HERE]’s boyfriend, said, “is crazy.”

 

“Yep,” confirmed Elektrashek, “That’s why we call her a crazy psycho.”

 

Police continue to look for the supremely intelligent [MY REAL NAME HERE], while those close to her wait for her return.

 

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OK, um. Plot hole: if the police are looking for the crazy psycho, then why does she seem to be living comfortably with [MY REAL NAME HERE]’s boyfriend? Couldn’t they just storm the place and drag her out?

 

Ah, forget it. That’s the least of my problems with this thing.

 

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