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Kitchen Sink

Learning To Forgive, Update #2

February 6th, 2008

AGENDA ITEM #1: FINALLY FORGIVE OLD SLIGHTS

The set-up:
I think I’ve moved on. But when the person’s name comes up or I’m reminded of how I’ve been hurt by anyone, in any way, at anytime, my anger flashes.
What’s that Oprah says? Not forgiving someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. I don’t think I’ve admitted to myself how my inability to forgive has affected my psyche, my health, my emotional stability. SO. I am going to consciously forgive.

 

Here are my steps:

  • Remember the slight. Really detail it in my mind and feel what I felt then.
  • Put myself in the other person’s shoes and look at the situation through their eyes.
  • Make a decision to forgive. It doesn’t just happen. I must decide to move on.
  • Say a prayer that I can let go.

 

Some forgiveness will be tough, I’ll have to admit. I have a long-standing hurt from a relationship with my mom. And even though she passed away and on her deathbed, I told her all was forgotten, it wasn’t really. Not because I didn’t want to forgive. But when I think of my childhood dynamic with my mom, I think like a child. I’m forever stuck in that time, and I react as a child would. This isn’t just a slight, either. This is a long-running relationship issue, where I truly believed my mother did not love me. I am angry that I was misunderstood and I wish she would have treated me as a child, instead of as an annoying woman.

 

I best remember this feeling with my mom starting when I was in the first grade and I asked her if she loved me “one more” than my dad. Instead of saying what I wanted her too — “yes,” or even “I love you differently,” she stubbornly held on to a “no.” I didn’t understand the nuances of the “no,” and so the dynamic began — my trying to pull affirmation from my mom, and her pushing back and not giving me what I needed (or wanted). Oh. The anger is still there. This is going to be a tough one folks. I’ll report back.

On April 8th, 2008, Jean said:

I’ve been reading your “learning to forgive” and wanted to thank you for sharing it.

If you don’t mind, I’d like to share with you some things I’ve learned and tried over the years on forgiving. I have a lot of work to do still ;0)

1. When you do your morning 5 minutes wish/pray for that person everything good you wish for yourself.

2. Replay in your mind how you “wished” or believed the situation “should” have happened to make it right. (like them apologizing/validating) your pain or hurt.

3. Visualize taking your pain/anger in your hands and disposing of it. (I actually visualized putting it in the trash can and burning it up). Be sure to watch it until it is completely gone.

About 4 years ago I learned this from a friend and I applied it regarding my father and how he treated our childhood dog. (it’s a long story I won’t bore you with).

I believe it helped.

On July 22nd, 2008, Shelia said:

I also never believed my mom loved me. I think she, like your mom, just never learned to love. But I always believed it was about me, that there was something inherently wrong with me. And that kind of pain can be terribly debilitating.

Thanks for sharing your heart here.

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