(The above is a vent. As is the below.)
Guess what time of the month it is?
That’s right!
Pretty Much Snarky time!
That special block of days on the calendar where I say what’s on my mind and regret it in a week!
So, let’s get started with an informal, but bitchy list of…
ANNOYING SOCIAL MEDIA TYPES
The Be-Bopper
This person doesn’t know who he/she wants to be. One day he/she’s a political expert, then a wine aficionado, then a travel pro. He/she tweets/blogs/Facebooks the du jour persona faithfully (and annoyingly often) until he/she is onto the next thing, and newfound social media identity. It’s one thing to write about different subjects that interest you, quite another to designate yourself a “guru” or “expert” in each thing, especially when your expertise is clearly not expert.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Looking forward to unveiling my new design! I’m changing blog focus!
(Then four months later):
Can’t wait to show you all my re-design! Going in a different direction!
(And four months after that):
Working on a new look for my site! It’ll be something totally unexpected!
In a nutshell:
This person wants one thing: Recognition. But he/she doesn’t know for what, so he/she jumps on whatever bandwagon he/she thinks will get them noticed. The problem? Loss of credibility. My unwanted advice? If you’re in this solely for the “fame,” get out. You’ll always be spinning your wheels, and it will be difficult to truly engage with you because you’re all over the board and serving yourself instead of your reader. (We get that, you know.)
The Angster
This person is blogging about what he/she loves and/or believes in, but gets frustrated when more people don’t read or re-tweet his or her stuff. Although The Angster doesn’t want to care what other people think, and to blog for the love of it, he or she can’t help but feel sad when attention doesn’t come his or her way. This person gets mad at herself (DID I SAY “HERSELF?” I meant “YOU!” I MEAN “HIM!” “HER!” Don’t look at me!) for caring about numbers and stats and ego, but cares anyway.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Forget it. I’m sick of this blogging game. I’m throwing in the towel.
Thinking about ditching my blog…
Thanks for the memories, everyone. But I’m done with {INSERT ANGSTER’S BLOG TITLE HERE}
In a nutshell:
This person just wants to know you care and that he or she matters. By threatening to close his or her blog down, he or she hopes you will beg him or her to keep going. The sad tweets are just cries for help and validation. Not that I’d know anything about that.
The Elitist
My least favorite social media type, the Elitist is better than everyone — except for those he/she accepts into his or her circle for exhibiting the general amazingness that he or she imagines him or herself to have in spades. This person regularly puts “dumb” people down in veiled, smug, and faux intellectual tweets that he or she hopes others in his or her circle of general amazingness will decipher and praise.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
New for 2012: Start using the word ‘defenestrate’ more often.
This whole mommy blogger division reminds me of the Hussite Wars, which as we all now know, was hardly a revolution.
If you want to know why America is where it is now, maybe you should read “America’s Ass: An Exegesis of Hitting Bottom”
In a nutshell:
I imagine this person furiously scribbling in some moleskine journal, collecting overly clever tweets on paper, tapping fingers like a mad scientist after he or she busts them out one by one on his or her Twitter stream, and sitting back to wait for the “that was amazing!”s to roll in. This social media type is master at calling attention to his or her many accomplishments in carefully constructed apathetic tweets like “Just wrote a book. Why isn’t there a cold beer in my hand? #authorproblems” This person also thrives on obscure references and likes to invoke comic book hero names a lot. You know, because he or she is indie as well as superior to everyone in the world. If you still can’t identify an elitist in your Twitter stream, look for his or her avatar’s ironic smile. He or she almost always has one — this is because he or she is too cool for this game, but plays it anyway. Because the universe should know his or her genius.
The Implementer
This person reads all of About.com’s social media how-tos and implements the bullet points faithfully. He or she especially read the part where it says “Engage with your followers! Ask questions to boost your Twitter authority!” so this person regularly poses Cosmo-magazine-type queries to get responses and obtain more followers. You will also recognize this person by his or her constant Klout observations. This person is a little like the Be-Bopper in that he or she isn’t *really* engaged with his or her audience, but he or she is operating under the guise of being so, so he or she can reap the rewards of a big following (whatever they may be to that person…usually it’s recognition for the sake of recognition).
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
So peeps: Boxers or briefs?
Tweeps! If you were a sandwich, what sandwich would you be?
Can’t believe it! I went to the bathroom and my Klout score dropped 10 points!
In a nutshell:
This person isn’t a jerk, he or she just doesn’t know how to “truly” interact with people. For whatever reasons exist in this person’s past, he or she just wants to take over the Twitter world…benevolently. It would just help if he or she had you know, a purpose. I think of these people like I think about the Kardashians.
The Obscurinator
This social media type regularly posts vague references to something BIG happening but refuses to spell it out. He or she often implies that he or she is onto something enormous that everyone is sure to read about soon in the news or on TMZ.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Can’t believe I’m in the company of all these celebs. I must be doing something right!
Lots of amazing things happening! Can’t wait to hit the big time!
Good stuff on the horizon! Just gotta finish my conference calls with all these publishers!
In a nutshell:
It’d be good if this person just shut up. Either tell us what you have coming up that’s so freaking awesome, or take your meaningless, hinty words and go on MySpace.
And there’s a few other types that hurt my brain: The Narcissist (please Instagram more photos of yourself wearing a doily frock and crossing your toes inward like an ingenue!), The One-Sided Promoter (constantly asks you to re-tweet, Stumble, “like,” and comment on posts, but doesn’t interact with you in any other meaningful way, and never returns your DMs or emails unless they directly benefit him or her in some way), The Influence Seeker (sends out many tweets to the “big dogs” in an effort to be noticed by them), The Passive-Aggressive (What?), and perhaps the most nefarious of all, The Befriender, because this is the person who approaches you under the cover of friendship, but is really only seeking something (contacts, reputation, name) you have that they want. This fakester is in it to advance him or herself to some level of social media stratosphere which, if you look at the ground below him or her, is littered with “human debris,” the people he or she has used to get to the top. You will know him or her by the people they are currently chatting up and pursuing. These people will change based on the Befriender’s current social media focus.
To sum up: Just be real. I’m tired of motives and agendas and strategies.
If you’re interacting with me, I want to be authentically interacted with…not some rung on your social media ladder. I’ve seen a lot of gurus and brand ambassadors and social media people do it right — and authentically. The difference between them and many of the types I write about here? They truly care to provide a service or information or entertainment to followers and readers. They have identified their purpose and goals and always, always keep it in mind. Even if it’s to tweet for fun (What?).
…And that concludes Pretty Much Snarky time!
(More Pretty Much Snarky Time posts:
I love Pretty Much Snarky time! It is so funny! :) These people so annoy me too. The Obscurinator has to be my least fave for sure though… just spill it already! And the toes crossing inward photos make me want to lose my lunch!
I LOVE this! And you for posting it.
This is brilliant and so are you.
Three words:
I love you
Love. And you highlighted some types I hadn’t seen made fun of yet.
GIRL. This was off the chain funny. I see all this up on FB and now I will have names to describe these people. And I will try not to be The Elitist that I see myself turning into–everyone knows that all I really like to talk about is sex and rude bodily functions.
This is awesome. I read narcissist and immedieatly had someone pop into my head. I mean, just how many photos can you take of yourself?
The Obscurinator? I’ve got one of those on my Facebook that I went to high school with. He always has some big project lined up, but nothing ever seems to happen with him.
Fakester = Best made up word ever.
I do believe you covered them all. It’s funny AND true. : )
–>There is also the person who only tweets about what they’re watching on television. OR the person who just does FourSquare.
Unfollow.
I don’t think I fall into any of the other categories but if I do it’s just to dip my toe in to see what the water feels like.
Suits optional, right?
@DebThaxton
I love snarky. Unfortunately I think I know at least one of each. “Just be real.” Yes, this.
I hope to one day be an elitist, it sounds kind of fun…perhaps I should start by buying a dictionary. In the meantime can you please like my comment?
This was so good.
And I’m so glad that I know nothing about the internet than posting and tweeting and emailing, otherwise I might accidentally be those things above.
You made me laugh with the vent.
xo
Oh dear… laughing out loud. SO loud, I had to spell it out.
I recognize ALL of those social media types, but two in particular come to mind. One Elitist that I’m thinking of is known as a major asshole, even to people that “engage” with him. The Be-Bopper I’m thinking of also falls into the Implementer mold. Boxers or briefs, indeed.
I purged my social media follows last year. I don’t miss either of those two or their ilk.
Good post .. but then I like snark.
One minor correction:
“This person wants one thing: Recognition.”
If the Be-Bopper is a guy, you need to change that to “two things:”.
:)
I so desperately want to comment on how amazing this post is, but I’m terrified that by doing so I’ll be placing myself into one of these many types. You forgot the Emoticonian–people who say shitty things and then hide behind a colon and parentheses.
This is the time I wish I had one of those newfangled “reply to thread” plug-ins on my blog. I’ll have to search the “What’s New” section in WordPress’s 2004 archives.
ANYWAY. Love the comments. You all make me laugh.
Love,
The Emoticonian
You just blew my maotherfarging mind.
Kinda takes me back to last week. Between begging for salsa and seperating my quinoa grains. There were similar words said.
Great, now I’M being The Obscurist.
Oh, you CRACK ME UP.
I skip the “prefab” blogs–the ones you speak of. If I want to be friends with an automaton, I’ll call my insurance company and talk to their automated operator!
You are SO funny.
When is your book coming out, girl?
This was SOOOOO hilarious. Really enjoyed it. I used to think everything I didn’t know about Twitter was a hindrance; now I know it is why Twitter is so fun and works for me. ‘Cause I’m just, like, me!
I don’t think this is PMSy or snarky at all. This is the internet gods honest truth.
I realize its cruel and the angry among us will be throwing rotting fruit but is it wrong for me to wish more PMS upon you so that we can have more of this delightful commentary?
Or in other words: HI.LAR.I.OUS
Signed the BeBopping Idiot.
You nailed it on this one.
P.S. I’m definitely an angster but I’ve only once (I think) threatened to shut down.
Oh man, I miss blogland.
L to the O to the V to the E.
I hate the elitist too.
Your words are spot on, PMS is a truth serum!
Look. I TOLD you already what my new big job was, okay? Gawd! And dammit, I just posted my first Instagram pic in ages. Of myself. Crap!
*Smiles* I recognize them all. Is it any wonder I’m not missing my Twitter much these days. I really wish so many people weren’t afraid to be authentic – themselves for a change. If they’re truly like this in real life, they have issues…just saying. (Hugs)Indigo
Oh you, I adore you- you know that, right?
{What kind of be-bopper does that make me?!}
Because I don’t know where to start (because I’m laughing my head off), I’m going to start by saying I really, really honestly love the photo of the vent. Super duper clever.
I’m going to have to buy PMS Sally a drink next time I see her.
You’re so freaking cute, even (maybe especially) when you’re mad.
This is so spot on. While I’ve found myself dishing and receiving from each of these types, I’m happy to have learned what not to do out there. Thank heavens for that. Otherwise, I’d still be spewing obscure, narcissistic angst all over myself…
*giggling* (a lot)
An exegesis on hitting bottom…
Yes you did.
Bahahahahaha!
Loved this hard, my friend.
No strings attached.
(But I do love parentheses and exclamation points. I can’t help myself.)
“It’d be good if this person just shut up. Either tell us what you have coming up that’s so freaking awesome, or take your meaningless, hinty words and go on MySpace.”
This was hilarious! You laid it out there pretty accurately!
You rock woman!
This “to sum up: Just be real. I’m tired of motives and agendas and strategies.”. Love this and I’m right there with you. I needed to read this.
Fun and funny post…and I mean it. :)
I think I know some people who fits every one of these categories. Worse—I know people who have multiple traits like this, and they’re all way too high maintenance for me!!! Your blog is great, by the way!
This is spot on, not snarky and so very funny. Thanks for keeping it/us *real*.
My paranoia forced me to read every single one thoroughly to be sure I wasn’t one of them. I’m not am I?
Ooooh – I was just going to tweet to my peeps about this awesome new gig I got (but I have to stay hush-hush… more later!!!) when I came across your post.
Whatevs.
Maybe I’ll just shut down my blog. No one really cares anyway.
;)
You left out my FAVORITE one to hate. The popular person with thousands and thousands of followers on their blog and on T and on FB but who NEVER answers anyone.
And when I get to be that person I WON’T ANSWER ANYONE EITHER. Maybe.
A little late responding, but better late than never…Right? Loved this post! You said everything I have been holding in for a very long time now. And another one on Facebook I see pretty much everyday is “I can’t see my posts can you hit “LIKE” , then I refresh my page and 5 other bloggers say the Same Exact Thing! REALLY? Cause I can see mine perfectly fine every stinking day! It’s annoying!
I admit to being a be-bopper of sorts. I don’t declare a new niche or expertise, I just go where the wind takes me and tweet and blog about what’s interesting to me in that moment.