The other day I made contact with an old friend through Facebook. It’d been years upon years upon Paleozoic eras since we last talked and so we used Facebook’s message feature to catch up quickly. Pretty soon though, it became apparent that I was being sold a perfect bill of goods. Terms like “loving wife,” “successful business,” and “preparing for Iron Man” peppered our exchange and soon I began to think his email sounded like an ad. I don’t know, when people I haven’t seen for nine years ask how I am, I tend to fill them in on where I live, how many kids I have, and what I do. I try to use down-to-earth, normal-people adjectives and don’t tend to say things like:
“Hey! I’m amazing, thanks for asking! I have an age-defying flat stomach even after birthing two kids naturally…two kids who are currently in Montessori school, are child models, and reading at the college level. We travel a lot because my kids are also classical pianists who play for heads of state and my husband is an astronaut who likes to take the family on his intergalactic space trips. Also, I have a robot dog that speaks 18 languages. As for me? I’m Oprah’s stockbroker. For fun, I chisel marble masterpieces and enjoy the sensual administrations of my nubile waitstaff.”
I mean. COME ON.
Is it just me or is Facebook a giant chain holiday card? At least around December I can gird my loins for this onslaught of oneupmanship. Must the Christmas letter mentality stretch its spindly arms toward Facebook too?
It’s enough to make a woman on the hormonal edge lose her dwindling cool. And so. In the spirit of being a big bitch today, I unveil my soon-to-be-patented EIGHT FACEBOOK LIES WE TELL(TM):
#1 I am so happy! So very very happy!
Look at these pictures! Everyone is smiling! This is not just a brief moment in time that came together after I yelled at my family to shut the hell up, grin, and pose like a Gap employee, This is the way it is ALL THE TIME! And? We all love wearing white shirts and khakis in unison. We are oh so very happy! And fully prepared for world domination by easy-wear clothing manufacturers!
#2 My makeup always looks like this.
I am wearing semi-expensive perfectly applied makeup that I DID not buy at a drugstore. Also! My makeup stays intact even after running the 5K for a charity (photos available in my Facebook album) and during marathon great sex sessions with my hot (photo cropped) husband!
#3 I am not a lush.
Even if 95% of my Facebook updates reference wine, vodka, or karaoke night at El Torito.
#4 I am not flirting with my high school boyfriend.
Look, we get it. He loved you when you had feathered hair. But come on. You “Like” that he went to the Kool & the Gang concert? We’re totally onto you.
#5 I have so many friends!
Yes! We all saw those pictures of you at the Lady Antebellum concert. It’s hilarious how you all circled your plastic cups around each other’s necks and pretended to kiss. All the guys thought that was so hot. And you have so many friends! We especially love those big-haired gals from your days temping at Hot Dog on a Stick back in ’86. Please friend me! I want to pretend-kiss you too!
#6 I am very successful.
I started my own company. It’s called “Spends All My Time on Facebook, Inc., LLC.” I expect it to go public any day now. Also! I consult! Because I am a social media expert.
#7 I have reached the pinnacle of enlightenment.
I share inspirational quotes with my Facebook brethren to motivate them to be more like me because I have manifested my destiny of reaching 50 comments on my last Facebook status update.
#8 I don’t have a body from the neck down.
What? Bodiless people are so much skinnier.